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May 10th, 2010

Dear Miss Information,

I am attracted to BBWs (Big Beautiful Women). My fiancée lost close to fifty pounds in anticipation of our wedding. We're getting married in a few weeks and I find myself getting cold feet about the lifetime of monogamous (not to mention skinny-bodied) sex that lies ahead. My attraction to her has decreased significantly, and while I want to be supportive of this weight loss, I just can't seem to fake it. I haven't told her that her new body turns me off because I don't want to make her mad. She's getting all this positive feedback from everyone. Why ruin it? I'm not asking whether I should call off the wedding. I will love her no matter what her weight. I'm just asking how to cope with this change. — Missing Her Old Self

Dear Missing Her Old Self,

Try not to look at this as a loss. Look at it as an evolution. Marriage is often thought of as the beginning of boring sex. Now, just when things are supposed to get old, you've got a brand-new woman, exterior-wise, anyway. It's like cheating, but without the consequences.

But I'd rather cheat with someone fifty pounds heavier. I know, Missing Her Old Self. But you might as well learn now that marriage is built on compromises. I'm sure your bride-to-be would rather be with someone who's cheering her on and being more supportive. Losing weight's a bitch. You think she doesn't know that you don't approve? Not saying something is saying something. Everyone thinks they're a master at hiding their emotions but no one is. The truth leaks out in other ways: tone of voice, body language, facial expressions. I can tell what kind of mood my boyfriend is in by the way he leaves the shower curtain.

Change is difficult, and you've got two biggies going on at once: the until-death-do-us-part and your partner's dramatically altered physical appearance. Sometimes one gets made worse just by virtue of it happening at the same time as the other, a kind of guilt-by-association. Are you taking this harder than you would be otherwise because of all the stress associated with the wedding?

Is there a way for you to flip it around and get curious about her new body? The way it looks, feels, and responds during sex? If that's not doing it, come up with other ways to motivate your dick. Dig deep. There's a lot more to sex than physical appearance. Now's the time to explore other kinks. Is she more confident now? More willing to try something new? Take advantage of that.

Are you masturbating? Keep it up (ba-dum-dum), and remember that there's no law against fantasizing during sex. It doesn't mean you're a bad person or a cheater. I like to walk to work listening to Young Jeezy and pretend I'm on my way to a meeting with local gang bosses instead of a visual design and brand strategy review. Does that mean I'm a bad employee and a sociopath? As long as you get the job done and keep quiet about it, no one will have any complaints.

Readers, do you think it's okay to think about someone other than your partner during sex? If so, are there any caveats? If no, why?
 

Dear Miss Information,

I have a crooked penis. It works like it's supposed to and I'm happy with the size but I'm still embarrassed. I just got out of a long term relationship. We were both virgins when we met. She's never complained but I'm worried the next girl I have sex with will find it weird or perhaps even painful. I've been reading about jelqing but it sounds like pseudo-science and possibly dangerous. Is there anything realistic and safe that I can do to correct it? — Curve Ahead

Dear Curve Ahead,

Why fix what ain't broken? There's a reason why Gonzo is my favorite Muppet. He (or more specifically, his nose) reminds me of a college boyfriend who had similar issues and I'm fully convinced that his penis's gangster lean was what made the sex so fantastic. It took some getting used to visually but it more than made up for it with its ability to hit all the nooks and crannies.

You're right to be skeptical of jelquing. For those of you not familiar or too lazy to Google, it's the term given to a variety of "stretching, milking and massaging techniques" all intended to boost the size of the penis. Some say it works. Others say it's bullshit. I'm not going to come down on either side but the laws of common sense and physics say it's rarely a good idea to pull at something valuable and fragile. If I tug on a $100 bill, I won't get a $1,000 bill. I'll get a shredded mess no cashier in her right mind will take. (There's also the word itself. Jelq. It sounds like the noise condensed soup makes when you plop it out of the can. How depressing is that log of congealed Cream of Mushroom?) Come on, Curved. You can do better. You don't want your penis associated with that.

There are doctors who will perform surgery on people with Peyronie's disease, if that's indeed what you have. There's also injections and prosthetics, but again, it's not really recommended if everything's functioning as it should and you can urinate, get erections, and have pain-free sex.

As far as explaining it to your next ladyfriend, I would wait until after the first kiss but before insertion to tell her that your penis comes with special features. My college boyfriend didn't say anything about it. I had to bring it up, and I can't say I endorse that approach. It's your elephant (or maybe just the trunk?) in the room. You have to address it, even though you feel embarrassed. Tell her to give you a heads up if certain positions feel uncomfortable and that you'll do the same. Don't forget that oral might feel different for her, so easy on the pelvic thrusts until she gets used to the equipment. You don't want her to gag.

We all have something that makes us different, so try not to be self-conscious. You have a curved dick, but the last guy she was with may have had a big gut or a birthmark or a lopsided ball sac. The fact that people pay good money for curved sex toys should be proof that this perceived flaw is in many ways an asset.

Readers, do you have a unique set of naughty bits? Ever been with someone a little left (or right) of center? Tell us about your experiences.

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Comments ( 29 )

Dear MHOS,

Did you ever tell your fiancee that you preferred big chicks? I can tell you that if you've heard millions of messages during your entire life telling you to lose weight it's sometimes hard to hear the voice of someone who loves your flab. That being said - was your fiancee always a heavy woman, or was the fat that attracted you a temporary fluke? If she gained weight during a depressed period or due to a medical condition and now is losing it, then she probably feels like she's returning to her old self - her "residual self-image", if you will.

Der Truffle commented on May 10 10 at 12:39 am

C'mon, Curve Ahead, relax. Plenty of us love a curved member. I know I do, especially if it curves up! Any curve is fun so long as you still know how to work the thing.

Also, advice on fantasizing about another woman when you're just about to get married is horrible. Fantasizing is not horrible but as a means to get off all the time is only going to spiral downward quickly. It's really easy for this BBW guy to tell his fiance that he loved her with 50+ pounds and he'll learn to love the new body just as much. People who lose wedding weight usually don't manage to maintain the loss and she may find it easier to maintain if she gains back 15-20 pounds and that would be a happy medium. Just learn to love all the NEW curves on her body all the little things you couldn't feel before.

I am not the columnist, no idea why I'm babbling. Shutting up, now.

Jelissa commented on May 10 10 at 12:42 am

I hope MHOS doesn't get bit in the ass over this. Yeah, you'll love her no matter what, but if the sex life goes down in flames, so will the relationship. Yeah, sex isn't all about looks, blah blah blah. But when it comes right down to it, if the looks are "far enough" outside of what you need to turn-on (whatever that is, and however broad or narrow your tastes), then your sex life will go down the tubes. If you can't keep an erection with her because of her appearance, nothing else will matter. I'm opposite of MHOS, I can't get turned-on by BBW. If I had a mate transform into a BBW during a relationship, well, the relationship is over, because the sex is over. Thankfully that's never happened. But if it did, there's nothing I could do about it. I've tried with BBW before, I just can't stay turned-on with them no matter what. Maybe when I hit my 40's my attraction circuits will re-program, but I severely doubt it.

Jay commented on May 10 10 at 12:55 am

as der truffle mentioned, if her weight was just a temporary thing, then you're screwed. but if her natural size is bigger, than she'll return back to that after the pressure of the wedding is off. 95% of diets fail, so you're probably in good shape :)

statistics commented on May 10 10 at 2:27 am

What do you think?

statistics commented on May 10 10 at 2:27 am

Foxtrot Alpha Indigo Lima. The dude isn't attracted to thin girls and you're telling him to rewire that? Maybe the better advice, especially given that the wedding is so soon, is he needs to come clean. It probably means the end of the relationship, but she should enjoy her body and he should find someone he doesn't have to work so hard to like.

DTS commented on May 10 10 at 5:43 am

she will gain all or most of that back, so don;t worry.

dgkd commented on May 10 10 at 6:22 am

I'm a BBW, and I'm working on losing the weight. Part of the payoff in my mind is people being more attracted to me, and feeling more sexually wanted. I suspect your fiancee has similar hopes. You need to talk to her before the wedding, before she ends up in a marriage where she feels undesirable and unattractive. It's not going to be a pleasant conversation, but neither is trying to live with it.

I find it interesting that people's advice to someone whose partner has gained 50 pounds is to encourage them to lose the weight, but that nobody would dream of suggesting he start taking the fiancee out to fattening dinners all the time for her to gain it back (not that I'm suggesting it either.)

commented on May 10 10 at 6:42 am

Great, now I'm envisioning gang bosses in a darkened alley working on a marketing campaign with PowerPoint slides. Talk about your bullet points!

JCF commented on May 10 10 at 8:55 am

Speaking as an overweight guy, love DOESN'T conquer all. People are attracted to whatever they're attracted to. That's how they're wired, and trying to change that wiring is a longshot at best. (Just ask all those closeted rightwingers.)

Being a newlywed shouldn't be about forcing yourself to find your mate attractive. And unless the fiancee has starved herself to the point of anorexia, she's probably healthier than she's been in years.

She also can't be completely in the dark about her boy's attraction to flesh. On some level, she had to know that it was a turn-on for him, but she decided to lose the weight.

This is the kind of problem a long-term marriage might survive. But one that's just starting out?

MHOS - Encourage her weight loss. Be there for her. But cancel the wedding and find the big girl of your dreams - because your fiancee WANTS to lose the weight and keep it off, and that will never happen if she's married to you.

Loomis commented on May 10 10 at 9:43 am

Just say you penis is like a boomerang... it's bent in the middle and always comes back.

moops commented on May 10 10 at 11:08 am

I used to date a guy with a crooked penis. I haven't slept with him in nearly twenty years, but I still remember that it felt fucking amazing. Something about the angle hit all the right spots. It was totally great.

GC commented on May 10 10 at 12:06 pm

Ms Info, I love you, but I think your advice to MHOS is terrible. He can't change what he's attracted to, and the time to get these sorts of things out in the open is BEFORE the wedding, not after. It doesn't sound like he's told his fiancee about his preference - so he should start by doing that. I totally disagree with your opinion that his fiancee probably already knows because people are perceptive about their mates - that may be true, but it's never good to assume these things, it's always better to communicate honestly. Also, body issues are so fraught that it's possible she can only hear the negative feedback loop inside her own head, and has been totally oblivious to her fiancee's preference. Anyway, he should start by being honest with her. "Honey, I'm so glad you're at a healthier weight, but I honestly loved your curves..." etc. Then they should talk about whether a "compromise" weight is conceivable - maybe she gains back 25 pounds after the wedding - would she be ok with that? Would he? It is likely, as many posters have said, that she'll gain the weight back anyway, but hoping for that outcome should not replace an honest conversation, and "fantasizing that she looks like someone else" is not great advice to give to someone BEFORE he even gets married. Of course fantasizing is ok, but actually being attracted to your partner is a lot better.

ss commented on May 10 10 at 2:24 pm

To the first guy--- if you love her so much, have you thought of her health at all? If she was a BBW to start with and had at least 50 pounds to lose, she was probably putting her life at great risk. Obesity leads to all sorts of health problems which can lead to reduced quality of life and often early death. This 50 pounds may not be your ideal physically, but she is so much healthier for it. Why can't you focus on that?

A.B. commented on May 10 10 at 3:58 pm

@ss- asking someone who has worked hard to lose that much weight to put half of it back on is highly cruel. And she would be risking her health for it.

You're an idiot.

A.B. commented on May 10 10 at 3:59 pm

Loomis is right. I'm also a moderately overweight guy. I used to be a morbidly obese guy, then I was a normal-weight guy, then I got a demanding job and a leg injury and stopped running for a while. Working on getting back to where I feel best. I'm doing it for my health and satisfaction. If my girlfriend wanted me to gain my weight back because she couldn't find me attractive at my goal weight, I imagine I'd tearfully and respectfully say it was time to part ways. I wouldn't hold it against her, in fact I'd admire her guts for telling me so, but it would mean I wasn't the guy for her.

R. commented on May 10 10 at 5:04 pm

My boyfriend has a curved dick and it makes me very, very happy. He's told me that when he was younger he was horribly embarrassed and worried about being "different," but then he started having sex and realized that it's either a non-issue or a bonus feature depending on the girl. I agree with the above posters that it seems to hit spots that others don't, plus it curves well down my throat for deep-throating. As Erin said, all those G-spot toys are curved for a reason!

mpb commented on May 10 10 at 5:33 pm

@A.B. - a 25 pound weight difference does not pose a significant health risk - that's why it would be a compromise. And if she didn't want to put the weight on she would certainly not have to, but she has a right to know about her fiancee's body type preference before they get married, so she can make these kinds of decisions for herself. For all we know, she lost the weight thinking it would please him, and would be excited to learn that he loved her curvier figure. Either way, no one should marry someone that they have to close their eyes and pretend is someone else - every single time - in order to go through with sex. If I was this man's fiancee, I would want him to be honest with me about his preference, even if it meant an end to the relationship. Ms. Info's advice was basically sentencing this woman to a lifetime of sex with someone who was only pretending to be attracted to her. There's nothing healthy about that.

ss commented on May 10 10 at 6:18 pm

Some of these comments are making me jealous that I don't have a curve : (

pb commented on May 10 10 at 7:17 pm

@A.B. Oh please.

If my partner was SERIOUSLY unattracted to me because I lost weight and asked me to gain it back, yes, I would have to part ways with him. I would expect this to come out in the wash BEFORE the wedding. You can't stay married to someone that doesn't give you delicious bonerade everyday. It just doesn't work, no matter how hard you try.

Dee commented on May 10 10 at 9:20 pm

I have an upward curve. It never occurred to me to think it was odd.

Michael commented on May 10 10 at 11:31 pm

I absolutely think it is a terrible idea to force this man's attraction to his newly-trim wife. Perhaps she lost the weight in a healthy manner and feels better and would like to continue her habits. If their sex is already a struggle at the beginning of the marriage, it certainly will not get better if he is simply not attracted to her. Be honest and tell her and give the both of you a chance to find someone you are truly attracted to.

VB commented on May 11 10 at 5:26 am

I find it kind of bizarre that nobody is addressing the elephant in the room on the first letter: This is entirely the husband's problem AND fault! How did this weight loss just "sneak up on him"??? You don't lose 50 pounds overnight, or even in a month or two!

He's waited...and waited...and waited....and waited...while she lost allllll that weight, and NOW, just before the wedding, now he decides it's a problem??? What an asshole! It sounds to me like he's got cold feet and is looking for an excuse.

M commented on May 11 10 at 11:43 am

I agree with M. As a BBW who's been losing weight for months, I know there's no way he didn't see her body changing. I think they may need to part ways--I just can't see the emotional fallout of this being good for either of them. The battle to lose weight to become more healthy and attractive loses her the sexual interest of her fiance? The realization that it's either his sexual desires or her self-confidence on the line? Too high stakes for either of them, especially just starting out. Delay or cancel the wedding, my friend.

Madam Ori commented on May 11 10 at 5:25 pm

People get help for exhibitionism and voyeurism, this guy can get help for his BBW fetish. I know first hand what extra weight does to knees and feet. Looks always fade. It's trendy to be picky and inflexible but it's what's inside that matters most.

Eric commented on May 11 10 at 10:27 pm

MHOS: Just tell her you love her at any size, but that you thought she was hotter "with curves." The fact is, if she's thrilled about losing weight, hearing this from you isn't going to hurt her feelings; she's getting enough positive reinforcement from everyone else she knows plus the culture at large re: her weight loss, anyway. But you have a right to let her know what you think, and she has a right to hear it. I'm sure it will make her feel better when the inevitable happens: she gains back the weight within a year or two, max. Statistically that's what gonna happen, so your kind words will probably make her feel less disappointed in herself.

As far as the whole marriage-doubt issue goes, that's a whole other issue altogether. But the early years are supposed to be the hottest so if you've got nuthin' now, God/dess knows what it's gonna be like in 3 years...

stokely commented on May 12 10 at 2:09 pm

MHOS: I've dated my fair share of curvy/chubby/thick/BBW types. It's definitely my preference too (though not an absolute requirement). Speaking from experience, there may or may not be a way for MHOS to convince his fiancee that he finds her more attractive with the weight on. When I've let my preferences be known, I've had responses that range from "All right!" to "I like that you find me attractive, but please don't use any specific words to describe my body type" to "No, you actually don't find me attractive, you're just telling noble lies to make me feel better" to "If you find me physically attractive, there must be something drastically wrong with you, you weird pervert." It really depends on how negative her body image is, and how willing she is to modify it after sustained positive feedback. Sometimes change has to come from within, and there's only so much you can do from the outside.

That said...I did find ways to LET IT BE KNOWN what my preference was. If MHOS is planning to marry a girl and can't even discuss something as basic as what he finds sexy, I have to wonder about this match from the get-go. If he hasn't told her how he feels about her new body, did he ever tell her how he felt about the old one? If we're talking about marriage here, it's about time to sack up and communicate like grown-ups, or the attraction issue will end up a moot point anyway.

I can't help thinking that if the genders in this situation were reversed, we might be reading "Honey, if you're not feeling attracted, it's time to move on! Chemistry is a necessity!" I KNOW I've seen that advice dished out in this space to ladies writing in with similar concerns about their attraction to their otherwise worthwhile men. I do think men and women alike have a certain capacity to develop new physical tastes, if there's something else about their specific partner -- personality, sexy imagination, adorableness, etc. -- that's clicking. (The hottest sex I ever had was with someone who wasn't my usual physical type, and suddenly I found myself checking out other girls with her attributes.) But sometimes the crotch wants what it wants too. Let's just acknowledge that that can be true -- and legitimate -- for BOTH genders.

Finally, a note about the health angle: You cannot extrapolate levels of physical fitness solely from weight. I've known women who weighed 200+ and ran marathons. Yes, 50 pounds is a lot of weight to drop, and there's a good chance she's better off health-wise now (assuming she lost the weight in a healthy way to begin with). But you can't make the absolute assumption that more weight always = health risks.

steve commented on May 12 10 at 6:59 pm

This discussion is awesome. Why? Because where I live, seemingly 60%+ of the eligible women 30-40 have body types ranging from average to quite overweight, and I like skinny/yoga/lightly muscled girls. Took my half my adult life to really figure it out, but that's what I like. Asian, 5'2", flat chest, tiny ass? Great! So I'm sympathetic to the writer's problem, coming from the other angle.

As for the health issues, correct--some people are healthy with some meat on 'em, and some in fact do run marathons or bike 50 miles in a day. Everyone's body is different.

For my part, I generally avoid relationships with women who are outside my 'range', so to speak. I have to be true to my desires.

prefer skinny commented on May 13 10 at 2:00 am

MHOS: here's a surefire way to get your woman to pile those extra pounds back on - call off the wedding...
I sorta understand though, my type is definitely tall and slim. A friend of mine I'd slept with recently gained 30 and when he re-propositioned me I said uh-uh. I used to have a little extra myself but lost it because it wasn't turning ME on. It's not a double standard, it's a standard!

And as for the curve, bring it on...

Loci commented on May 13 10 at 10:11 am

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