The Remote Island by Bryan Christian Palin camp may get SNL time to respond to Fey sketches. Wahlberg camp still mum on their demands. Plus: Dexter, Brothers and Sisters and Gwen Ifill reacts to Queen Latifah.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You tend to put the needs of others before your own, and that is dumb. Do you really want to be stuck at work tweaking spreadsheets on the next federal holiday? Make a resolution to be more selfish this coming year. There's nothing wrong with saying no to things you don't want — in fact, it's more honest, and your holistic well-being will thank you.
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Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
So what's with all the coming in late and drunkenly pissing in the kitchen sink? I mean, really. Things are starting to get a bit Girl, Interrupted. Now is the time for you to find the perfect general practitioner/addiction specialist/shrink and get some therapy or anti-crazy pills or whatever it is you need. Soon enough, you'll be able to put all that crap behind you and rejoin the world of the well-adjusted.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
This month's new moon is set to infuse you with oodles of energy. Harness the get-up-and-go and use it become more actively involved in your community. Join a needlepoint club. Play the accordion at your local nursing home. Whatever you choose, it will be a great opportunity for you to meet new and interesting people, which will ensure that you will never again find yourself stuck home alone on a Saturday night. Even if it means spending Saturday night with the elderly and infirm.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
I had a chat with Uranus, and this coming week — not to mention all of 2008 — will be ripe with professional opportunities. This is not, however, an excuse for you to sit back and await the bucks to amble over to you. Even the slightest effort will put you on the path to riches, so draw up a handy to-do list of the things you'd most like to accomplish this year, and take that first step.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
You Tauri are nothing if not practical, which is a lovely and dependable thing to be. You can see a situation for what it is, you know what it takes to get a job done. But here's a warning for you pragmatic types: starting this week, the unexpected will pop into your life, which could lead to wonderful opportunities and unplanned adventures. But you'll need to be flexible, so work on your brain yoga.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
Sub-prime mortgage rates got you down? Don't fret: the stars predict tons of new growth in your financial sector. And don't worry if you don't win the Lotto or inherit a small island this week. Inheriting millions might be easier than actually working, but then you'll become an irresponsible socialite, drinking and drugging your life away, surrounded by lap dogs and yes men. You'll enjoy getting wasted on your ninety-foot yacht more knowing you earned it.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
We're all responsible for our own happiness, Cancer. We're born alone, we die alone, and we have a few precious years in the middle to enjoy each other's company. This week, if you're single, you'll meet someone who will rock your world. If you're already attached, you and your lover will feel like it's your first date again. Either way, you'll experience a thousand small deaths in the most orgasmic of ways.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
Every year, you make the same old New Year's resolution, and every year, you eat the roof off the gingerbread house and steal the peanut-butter truffles your boyfriend received for the holidays. Get it together this year! Take a cardio-salsa class at the gym, and the combined energies of two powerful planets will push you through an entire gym routine free of asthma attacks.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
It's really frigging cold out, and your snow boots, thermal underwear and face mask make it really frigging difficult to project the full spectrum of your hotness. But believe it or not, this will be the most romantic month of the year for you. So go on that blind date with your friend's second cousin, attend that performance art thing you were invited to, and force yourself to meet that cute stranger's gaze even though it's terribly uncomfortable.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
Have you been flipping through Pottery Barn catalogs? Drooling over knick-knacks at Target? Taking trips to Ikea solely so you can pretend you actually reside in the various permutations of living spaces they have set up in their showroom? Your nesting urges have been preparing you, all this time, for the New Year. Now is the best time to transform your house into a practical, ergonomic, ultra-cool pad of debauchery.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Quick! Lower your blinds! Pack your bags! Set your lamps on an automatic timer and skip town in the middle of the night! Now is a great time to take a trip anywhere that's not here. Don't go overboard, though. Money is tight now that the post-holiday credit card bill has arrived. Perhaps a romantic long weekend in a sleazy motel down the Jersey shore? Just a for instance.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
The new moon is set to bring you all sorts of fabulousness this month. This includes, first and foremost, a new source of income (though if you stumble upon a cash-filled bag like in No Country for Old Men, walk away). In addition, others will begin finding you especially irresistible this week. It could be the cash, but it could also be your unstoppable charisma. Yeah. That's it. It's the charisma.
