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REGULARS
posted 1/22/2007
JANUARY 22 - 28
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
I make a habit of eating an entire Ritter milk-chocolate bar every day, and despite the tight feeling I get in my chest afterward, it's the best part of my daily routine. You too should indulge this week. Make all those decadent desires a reality, and ignore the specter of tooth decay and friction blisters. Now is the time to eat chocolate and get it on with as many people as humanly possible.
promotion
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
This week, you'll be anxious that something is going to put an end to the unfettered access to good sex you currently enjoy. Isn't that just like you? Instead of worrying about bad things that might happen in the future, focus on the lovely things occuring in the present. Take a cue from the people who do those slow, tongues-out humping dances at clubs and relax.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
A surprising sexual activity will be suggested this week, and you'll be giddily game, even though this particular activity is likely to be more peculiar than you normally go for. Beware feelings of embarrassment that may ruin the fun. Just remember the band Foghat, which recorded "Slow Ride" — we've all chosen to forget how ridiculous they were and just focus on the few seconds of joy that song brings.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
You're the undisputed champion of experiencing orgasms that boggle the mind, but you may be surprised at how much better these orgasms can be when administered by someone else. Relinquish control over those final endorphin-filled seconds this week. Just like that José Gonzalez cover of The Knife's "Heartbeats," it may not be what you had in mind, but it's good in its own way all the same.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
While not as rife with all the hot sexual repression and guilt of Christianity, those Eastern religions do have a point when it comes to detachment. This week, you'll sort out your problems, sexual and otherwise, by taking a step back and trying to calmly study their writhing for signs of how to proceed. Don't blindly accept whatever wisdom they impart, however — keep in mind that some of that stuff in The Tao of Pooh is just sick.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
Like Will Oldham in "The Mountain Low," you'll be prone to sexual desires that are terribly romantic and totally impossible this week. While you may not actually want to fuck a mountain, the very sight of someone will stir you to almost metaphysical heights of desire. Given that they're otherwise engaged, you may have to make do with unrequited love. At least it makes for better songs.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
You'll be all set to sensitively discuss with your partner your less than stellar sex life when they'll say something like, "Yeah, perhaps I've been distracted by all that homemade porn I've been making lately." Be prepared for unsettling news this week, and you'll make it through unscathed. Secrets will be revealed unceremoniously, so get ready.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
This week, someone needs to be the appointed leader in all things sexual. As much as you may want to maintain an egalitarian structure, a dictatorship will work better. If it's you who's the tyrant, remember to use your power wisely and benevolently. If you end up the serf, know that your labor is the true soul of the machine.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
Did you know Robert Frost wrote a poem about a path diverging in the forest of pubic hair that you'll come upon this week? Well, he did. Be ready to make an either/or choice. Just like all good poems, your options will concern depraved sex acts and wildlife themes.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
Just like it's hard to imagine how people exchanged photos of themselves displaying all their tattoos before the internet was invented, this week you'll wonder how you lived before you discovered the sexual innovation that will suddenly appear on your repertoire. Be sure to rest and catch up on your personal hygiene in preparation for this epiphany. When the iPhone of your sex life is launched, you don't want to greet it with three-day body-hair growth.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You may think you've passed the point of no return, but while changing horses mid-stream is ill-advised, changing laps mid-coitus will yield powerful results this week. Instead of drowning or getting bitten by water moccasins like horse-changers do, swapping sex partners will keep things running smoothly and efficiently.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
It's a Bow Wow Wow week of sex for you! Not that it'll involve dog biscuits (though it might), but lead singer Annabella Lwin will want to direct a wild seventeenth-century king to have sex with you with a gun in your back. Exciting! If you run into trouble finding someone to play the part of king because the candidates are all in prison for some reason, buy one of those gun-shaped dildos, growl "L'Etat, cest moi" and go to town.
