Pickupedia by Hooksexup Hooksexup's new wiki lets you share your favorite pickup lines — personal and overheard, successful and not — with a fine community of skeeves. *the dating issue*
REGULARS
posted 2/12/2007
FEB 5 - FEB 11
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
I spent most of my adolescence playing keyboard in my room, so when I actually had a date for Valentine's Day, I used my long-unspent allowance on an elaborate gift that featured tons of crepe, a bear and flashing lights. You'll feel a strong temptation toward the grand gesture this Valentine's Day, but avoid such dramatics. The simple things, often found inside those jeans you wear, are really all you need to give.
promotion
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Like listening to your lover's Killers rip-off band play at a sports bar, this week will feature a lot of things that aren't fun but must be done. Don't procrastinate. Bear down, get through it and let the frustration out pelvicly. But if they try to put on their demo while you're doing it, you'll be forced to leave. There are limits.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
You are in no hurry this week. You prefer to stop and smell the pre-come, to take a long stroll through the gardens of oral sex. This will run squarely against the impatient mood of the person you're sleeping with. This pressure to hurry the hell up threatens to wreck the week, so find creative ways around it. Make them smoke pot, or force them to listen to some Barry Manilow. Whatever you do, slow the expectations down.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
Wouldn't it be nice to listen to your ecstatic moans mix with the chirping of birds? To feel pine needles working their way into your darkest regions with each thrust of pleasure? Given the fact that it's February, the answer should be: absolutely not. Ignore the cravings you'll feel this week: it's freezing outside and any attempts at sex in non-heated locales should be reconsidered. Substitution will not only keep you from frostbite but will also be more powerful than the real thing. Get some fake snow, some inflatable woodland animals and a sound effects record. You'll be glad you did.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
Offers of kisses shouldn't elicit counter-offers of commitment ceremonies, Gemini. You'll tend to want to over-commit this week, greeting the smallest signs of affection with proposals of undying love and fidelity. Or love anyway. Take the time to think about what people are offering and respond in kind. Not only will it prevent embarrassing episodes, it'll mean that you're paying attention to what you and your lover really need.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
When you see people around you with long, depressed faces this week, don't blithely ignore them and continue sipping on your coffee! Fixated on certain schemes, you may be prone to ignore the suffering of others, but know that none of those sexual shenanigans you're imaginging can occur without you first lifting the downcast spirits around you. People don't want to try out sex swings or water sports when they are depressed, so help them feel better.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
Just like that guy who constantly "made" people make out at nightly house parties of yore, you need to recognize the importance of instigation this week. The crowd you're in at the moment is not likely to get things moving of their own volition, so step up to the plate and be the first to drop your pants.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
Sometimes when you reach that special split second of happiness — in pursuit of which you spend most of your life energies — you freeze up. Arm muscles are no longer able to finish the job, hips cease their necessary movements, crisis looms! Don't be embarrassed. Croak out whatever instructions you can so that your partner can assist. If it happens to the person you're having sex with, be prepared. Don't ask a lot of questions, just get in there and help.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
This week will require you to choose between archetypes. Do you want to sleep with the distant, somewhat embittered veteran Eddie Murphy, or would you prefer the fresher, more-accessible-yet-still-feisty young Eddie Murphy? This is more than deciding whether you'd rather have sex with Axel Foley or a cartoon donkey. What's going to be more fun for you: someone who's seen it all and doesn’t have anything to prove, or someone who's still trying to impress everyone? Take a few days to think it over.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
I personally find that too much discussion has a tendency to get tedious. You often end up saying that most un-sexy of phrases: "I see your point." It may be hard to avoid long, involved discussions this week, and to be fair, there is a lot to figure out. Just try to keep your sex life as gloriously non-verbal as it should be and keep the discussions restricted to those non-sex items that need resolution.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
It seems like it'd be big fun to be a monk or a nun, as long as you got to have periods of extreme debauchery once a month or so. Bottling up all that self-denial — only to periodically release it all over the place — sounds like a nice life. While you've been pretty far from ascetic lately, the time is still ripe for a week of out-of-control indulgence. So go ahead and satisfy every whim you have the sexual stamina for. You've been good, and you deserve it.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Sometimes, things aren't phrased in ways in the ways we like. Ludacris, in his current song "Woozy," admonishes a lady to look him in the eye and make "them nasty faces." R. Kelly joins in and says he's always wanted to go down on a girl that reminds him of himself. Don't allow the peculiar phrasing of sex talk throw you this week. The sentiment expressed is what you should be looking for, and if it seems like fun, go for it.
