Dating Confessions by You "I'm wearing sexy underwear while talking to you online so that I feel confident enough to tell you that I'm into you."
Scanner by Emily Farris Today on Hooksexup's culture blog: We bring you more Dita Von Teese from the German Playboy.
Screengrab by Various Today in Hooksexup's film blog: Holiday special - 35 people, places and movies we're thankful for.
The Remote Island by Bryan Christian Michael Phelps indulges Anderson Cooper in some watersports and Dexter makes a 'bitch move.' Plus: the secret of Tina Fey's scar, revealed!
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
Someone you know may be trying to steal your stuff this week. You're wandering about, thinking people can be trusted — or hoping they can, like Bjork in Dancer in the Dark. But this week, the movie of your life is being made by a Scandinavian type, so you can bet you'll come home to find all the money missing from your little coffee can. Sad, yes, but start singing some deconstructed musical numbers around midweek and the time will pass that much faster until you're executed by hanging. Seriously: if you're single and bringing someone home for the first time, hide your checks, credit cards and receipts. If you're in a relationship, consider doing the same.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
Up 'til now, people coming on to you by tapping you on the shoulder and trying to push your head toward their crotch has been all fun and games. This week, you're liable not to be in the mood for such gas-station-attendant bluntness, no matter how hot people look with dirty hands. Pay attention, especially on Tuesday when you'll be complimented and wooed and treated special. If you go with that feeling instead of dwelling on your dissatisfaction, you'll feel wonderful by week's end.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
You may need to invest in a crash helmet and stay away from chocolate this week, because you'll have a little too much in common with that Mike Myers SNL character who had to be tied to a jungle gym so he wouldn't harm himself and others with his enthusiasm. Like most ADD-addled youngsters tethered to playground equipment, your brain is remarkable. This week, use it to find answers to some of your most perplexing sexual questions. The answers are in front of you, even if one of them involves going back to that jungle gym and putting it and your tethers to better use.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
I kind of used to know this guy who was liked for his spontaneity. He would suddenly run off while you were talking and call back from the distance, telling you to join him. All this for a great sunset or something. He seemed mystical for this reason. Then one time, he stayed with me in Berlin and after having supposedly left to go back to France, showed up at like five a.m. wanting breakfast. He had spent the night on a bridge having a true conversation with some German. All I know is he woke me up and wanted breakfast. This could be you this week. "Endearingly free" becomes "annoying jerk" fairly quickly. Just keep that in mind.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
Painful silence at the breakfast nook this week. Only the sounds of spoons scraping in bowls and lowered gazes as you have some family tension. This gives way after mother says something seemingly innocuous but with some oblique but obvious hostility in it. You look at her briefly and slam the spoon down with a force both violent and pretty hilarious. On Wednesday you get picked up by your hot young lover and speed away happily from all that familial tension for some sex in the hatchback — or at least at someone else's abode.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
Sheesh. Been watching too many thrillers recently, haven't you? Thinking of sex as permanently associated with southern California, murderous secrets, actors on the way down after Oscar wins and swimming pool intercourse. Just realize you're one short step from Cinemax erotica and try to do everything less stylized instead of letting it drift into lurid fantasy. The real world is way creepier anyway, and you're looking for the thrill of danger, not a new goth club to belong to. This week, get back to the basics of sex (e.g. missionary, condoms, lube, one sex toy that does not entail spikes) just because you can.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
You have something in common with the bad guys from Little House on the Prairie this week. You start the week irritated with people you sleep with, only later, through the kindness of Laura, her kindly mom and the Highway to Heaven guy, you find out that the problem is you're missing something. It isn't that you just like being mean to settlers or stealing horses — you just need love and understanding. Around Wednesday you'll be rewarded for your sniffling, teary requests for forgiveness. Just don't take said forgiveness as a permit to be an asshat once again on Friday.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Boy, people don't appreciate all the shit you do for them, do they? Here you are, trying to help them out with things like magical morning sex and all they do is jump down your throat or, when they're in a good mood, act like they don't care any more about you than that stupid co-worker they like for God Knows Whatever reason. While you might be wise to suck it up on Monday and Tuesday, no one likes a sucker for long. If you want respect and the same adoring attention as Mr. Copy Boy at the office, stop catering to your lover's moods. Declare Wednesday the day to do anything and everything you want.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Everyone may snicker at you for having everything just so, but Monday is going to be a good day for you. We know — chaos and uncertainty leave you feeling crazy in the sack. But sometimes crazy lovers are the best kind. So, at the very least, surprise yourself and your lover with a new sex toy. Not only will you thank us for the suggestion on Tuesday, but also you'll be inclined to call in sick to work in exchange for marathon morning sex and an afternoon of museums or movies or an extended Happy Hour. There's no shame. Really.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Early this week you're like a cerebral Rocky, in the proverbial boxing ring, singing "Eye of the Tiger," hopping around and taking great pleasure in every landed metaphorical punch to your Apollo (a.k.a. your lover). We know, we know, your lover is being sort of a bitch, but if you ever want to have sex with him or her again you'd be wise to throw in the towel before the match begins and walk away. Some metaphorical punches are impossible to recover from. Heed our words and your lover will erase his or her bad behavior from your mind on Wednesday and Thursday.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
This week, you seem to be taking those surprisingly legal yellow pills they sell at gas stations. You want everything done extra quick, sex included. You want it and like it, but you're a bit too eager to get it over with, which makes the other person get performance anxiety and take even longer. You'll come in contact around mid-week with a smooth operator, so that'll be your chance to change horses, if you like, as you may be in such a hurry because you're tired or bored with your current lover. Just pop a few more of those pills and pop in the Johnny Paycheck cassette and think about it for a second before doing anything.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
There used to be a commercial for Welch's Grape Juice that must have only aired in the South because none of the stars we know who live above the Mason-Dixon Line know about it. Anyway, the commercial featured a little twangy tot who said something like "Don't you ever get tired of drinkin' the same thang, the same thang, the same thang?" Not a bad a question, especially when applied to your sex life this week. There's only so much of the same routine that you can take, and you're reaching your limit. Don't blame your lover — it takes two to fornicate. We hate to sound like Dr. Phil, but you'd be wise to talk with your bedmate about this sexual malaise. Chances are, he or she feels your pain and would love nothing more than a weeklong adventure.
, featuring curious yet marvelous infusions of cucumber and rose petal.
