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Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
Sweet Aries, don’t be angry at the stars for taking a hiatus. At least we’re back in time to give you a heads-up: your best day this month is the 28th. The 24th might have ended with you drinking out of a bottle on the floor of your closet, but this week you will find good health, better fashion sense (it will be too warm for Ugg boots), and mind-blowing monkey sex.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
With Mercury planet of communication, transportation, negotiation and commerce in retrograde until the 30th, things are moving pretty damn slow. There isn't much you can do but be patient. Update your address book, get a haircut, watch Lawrence of Arabia. By the time the credits roll, it will be Wednesday the 28th, and everyone will beg you to take them home.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
True Geminis have hit the astrological jackpot this week. With both Venus and Mars in your sign, your pheromones radiate sex, security and leadership. If you’re tired of being on the bottom in the bedroom, now's the time to grab the reins. Your only worry this week is the prospect of one close friend leaving your daily life. We’re not talking death; just be prepared for someone you care about to announce a big move. Or a new love for Christian boy bands.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
All work and no play makes Jack a dull, sexually repressed boy. Your tenth house of promotion, fame and reputation has been on fire since the 19th, but you should be career-focused, not career-obsessed. Until the 30th, your professional life will be a crapshoot. And what’s the best way to play a game of craps? With a drink in hand and a pretty boy (or girl) to pat your ass and blow on your dice. Ride out the month. May will be better.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
This past weekend might have been shit on the sex front, but what do you expect when you tell the woman you're with that her new pants give her a J. Lo ass? We know you didn’t mean it that way, but think before you speak. (And, if you’re drunk, consider not speaking at all.) That said, one bad weekend isn’t much to complain about. With Venus and Mars together, love is still in the air for Leos. And so, for that matter, is travel. Combine the two before the week is out.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
We hope you're focusing on your job, modest Virgo, because key planets have moved into the powerful north-south-east-west angles of your chart. Your time spent doing bitch work with a smile fifty hours a week is finally going to pay off. Unfortunately, you may struggle romantically for a while. Uranus is doing its best to sabotage any current love interests, but don’t panic if the planet succeeds. Some things were simply not meant to be, and your friends have an even better match for you.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
"We need to talk" is something you might hear or say this week. A new moon solar eclipse in Aries spotlights your seventh house, a.k.a. the house of partnership. It looks like good news, though, even if there's upheaval in the short term. Despite the chaos in your life, and probably your bedroom, you'll be sparkling on the 28th. It's a good day to have whatever conversation or "conversation" — you need to have with your partner.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Been in a sexual rut? Watch out, because you're fixing to get back in the proverbial saddle. And if you haven't been off your horse, things are going to get even hotter. The eclipse in your sixth house means some weirdness is at work. It's a good thing you can forget all about that and get down to what you're really good at stinging and getting stung.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Keep your head in the game, especially in bed. People can tell if your mind is elsewhere. If you have no one to have distracted sex with, that's because your potential partners sense you're too preoccupied to satisfy them. So relax. You're going to get a windfall as Jupiter comes out of retrograde later in the week, and then you'll be able to fully concentrate on the task at hand.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Did you have fun last month? We hope so. The stars were certainly lined up in your favor. But before you ice yourself down and settle in for a dry spell, there's more! The eclipse will keep things exciting for a while yet, with a particularly scintillating adventure on or around the 26th.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Saturn's stuck in your sixth house, and you're stuck in the 10-items-or-less lane behind someone with 8,000 packages of frozen crab cakes. This has been quite a year for you, but this week there is relief. The crap you've had to put up with will still linger, but someone you meet will make it all seem a little less crappy.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
What were you doing back in April 1996? Making out in the back row at Fargo? Fantasizing about members of the Eastern European Olympic teams? 'Cause the stars look an awful lot like they did eight years ago. So get ready for more of that, whatever it was. Odds are, the 30th will be a sexual perfect 10. Or dziesíç, if you prefer.
Horoscopes are prepared by the Hooksexup staff in consultation with astrological charts, and are for entertainment purposes only.
