Pickupedia by Hooksexup Hooksexup's new wiki lets you share your favorite pickup lines — personal and overheard, successful and not — with a fine community of skeeves. *the dating issue*
REGULARS
posted 6/20/2005
JUNE 20-26
promotion
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
Boy, I wish we knew each other. This week you're full of energy, using your passion to make things happen. This is the time to organize that dance party the town elders clearly forbid. If your town doesn't forbid dancing, organize a big nasty orgy! Sex on rusty nails! Role-reversal bukkake with a boy in the center — also on rusty nails! Your preacher father may challenge all this tetanus-baiting amorality on Thursday, but don't be discouraged. You have a dream, and your passion will thwart the voice of doubt.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
In junior high, I had a math teacher who was all sunshine and rainbows. We all secretly hoped to see her cheerfulness get crushed. Then it happened: some kid wrote something gross about her on the chalkboard, she cried and ran out of the room. Don't be like us this week. The person you're with is in a great mood, and although you'll be caught up in it as the week begins, the midweek Full Moon may inspire you to wish ill on their happy face. Avoid driving a wedge — you'll end up being the one who's crushed. If you can manage to get behind their enthusiasm, they'll get behind you.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
This week, pay a little extra special attention to yourself. Go off into your little cave to rub two sticks together intensely (or rub something intensely, anyway). You should make this more than a week of masturbation, though. Think about treating someone like they're the lady of the manor and you're the beleaguered but secretly enthusiastic servant. She calls out to you, "Trevor! Come bathe and perfume me!" or "Trevor! Rub this lotion into your hands and massage me vigorously. You shall do this for hours, Trevor, do you hear me!" Your altruistic attitude will pay off once you return to society.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
Your life is like an episode of Supernanny this week. Even though you feel like you're doing everything right, someone close to you is a toddler who has become disruptive, mean and generally out of control. Be firm. State rules and praise achievements. When they act up, get down on their level, speak in an authoritative voice and put them in the naughty spot. It sounds silly, but they'll be easily trained, and before long you'll be playing in the backyard together and tearing up at how far you've come. Literally.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
You start the week with more enthusiasm than you had this weekend. Water-cooler groaning about the beginning of another work week won't be your thing. This continues through the week, so don't get blindsided on Thursday when people start expecting a lot from you. It's best to humor them, at least until the weekend, when you'll be in sync with someone who'll finally be in the mood for fun.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
As this week begins, you set out to find a treasure and end up running from an evil gang of criminals. The pirate who left the treasure has made lots of booby traps, and you'll have to use your math skills and piano-playing ability to get past them, so be prepared. Okay, this is just the plot to The Goonies, but it applies to you this week. Seriously. Wednesday and Thursday will present traps to be overcome, so be ready to use your skills. By the weekend, you'll not only find the treasure and save your house, but you'll also get laid in the dank recesses of the cave! Hopefully by Martha Plimpton, who is super-hot.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Okay, here's the deal. The planets want you to plumb your deepest emotions, to consider the whys and wherefores of your taste in sexual partners and Buñuel films. You don't want to. You want non-stop good times, to push that nagging desire to "evaluate" out of your way and head for the dancefloor. Best thing to do: go for the good times during the week and try to figure out some things this weekend. Just remember that you can dig forever, so don't get into a rut with the self-analysis. And it's okay to think Belle du Jour is hot — it beats the hell out of Secretary.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
It might seem strange, but here's what you should say to seduce people this week: "And the window blinds are filled with rays of sun and all your secret fantasies, thou will be done. Inside of your walls will dwell a Capricorn that will feast your body all night, and if we keep this up a love child will be born." It's from an R. Kelly song, but you can tell them it's some poetry that you wrote. Weirdness will be your ticket to adventure. Trust me on this.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You're all over the place this week. Monday makes for a great mood, followed by some weirdness on Wednesday and Thursday. Friday, you'll be back on top of people . . . I mean on top of things. Just be careful not to forget about the person whose lap you're on. The weekend may bring a rude reminder that you've been a bit too self-centered lately.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Hunt down a red leather jacket, because you're going to be a rebel this week: smoking cigarettes in non-smoking areas, stealing pickles and mustard packets from restaurants. Like they say in Rebel Without a Cause, "You gotta do something." Luckily, you'll have both the rabidly loyal Sal Mineo character and the pantingly turned-on Natalie Wood character vying to get into your pants. Just be careful with their fragile senses of self. They're drawn to you out of their own instability, so you may have to take responsibility in social situations and steer them the right direction. At the very least, don't get them shot or anything.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
When the weather is warm, a young person's thoughts turn to loading PA equipment into the van, setting off on tour and getting some "strange" (as it was known in my high school). You don't necessarily yearn for a set list and gig in Winston-Salem this week, but sitting around at home is not appealing. You'll want familiar people around you, but you need a change of landscape to get your sexual juices flowing. (I think they used to say "sexual juices" too. What vulgarians!) Just watch out: your groupies will object to your love-the-one-you're-with temporariness. Dedicate a song to them from the stage, pay that little bit of extra attention to make each one feel special. Such is the way of the rocker on the road, so heed!
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
You're kind of like the part in the karate movie that involves the imparting of wisdom. Some old man says lots of vague things, somehow events conspire to play out a certain way, and after a near-lethal fuck up, you learn a lesson that makes you look older, wear black clothes and lose your sense of humor. In other words, by the end of the week you're going to know a lot more about the bodily fluids of someone who whacks you with a stick and laughs at your inability to put your face through a board. No matter — by week's end, bid that cryptic tutor farewell and go find your equal for a violent climax.
