Horoscopes by Neal Medlyn Scorpio: Make like a red-breasted wood thrush when considering who to mount. /advice/
REGULARS
posted 6/27/2005
JUNE 27-JULY 3
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
promotion
Dear Diary: I have lots of important feelings as this week begins, and I'm super-psyched to share them with people! I had better go ahead and do it now, because there will be a lot of annoying-ass people in my life who are going to make me wanna totally slap them! Grr! But maybe if I'm not too afraid to open up with someone other than my diary this week — in spite of all these annoying dillholes (grr once more!!) — I'll establish an ally that will help me through, and also will do it with me in the butt, the way you know I totally like. Love, Me.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
You'll emerge from your cave of privacy this week. Beginning Wednesday, new things will happen in your life, making you more outward. You'll get into public nudity or leaving the blinds open so your horny neighbor can masturbate watching you, or something. You've been thinking about yourself a lot recently, but now that you're back out in the world, don't forget to pay attention to the people around you. They won't put up with being ignored.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
My cats, since the death of one of their number, have become very insistent on being petted. You'll start the week the same way, allusions to the meeting place of your legs included. My cats also have been hiding under the bathtub a lot, which you may feel prone to do. A little sensitive and in need of skilled stroking, you may be surprised on Thursday when a secret comes out. Best thing to do would be to leak the secret yourself before anyone else gets the chance.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
You start the week like Bill Clinton, incredibly good at charming people with your diplomacy and ever-so-subtle interest in them. Is that a sexual gleam in your eye? they'll wonder. This will obviously yield many opportunities for you. Just watch out for Wednesday, when you'll feel the sudden temptation to say something undiplomatic like, "Will you please hurry up and come already? I have like twenty meetings to go to!" That won't be a good idea. It's hard to be attentive and kind all the time, but if you want to be fondly remembered like Clinton, it's best to go down with the diplomacy ship.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
It's not that you haven't been adventurous of late, you just haven't been sufficiently ambitious. You've picked up plenty of people, flirted with buckets of friends and made good use of mankind's innovations in birth control. What you need to do now is have a Big Plan, something that's a challenge, something you have to pore over blueprints and rehearse in your basement headquarters to get exactly right. I can't tell you what that is, but think on it this week, and assemble a motley-but-crack team of misfits to aid you.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Like the prince who became the Buddha, you've taken a ride outside your castle and seen the suffering all around; after feeling contemplative for a while, you're ready to find some spiritual things out. You don't have to put little red strings around your wrist, chant or pray. One time I dropped acid and somehow ended up having sex, and I was pretty sure I became Catherine of Siena and was getting some from Jesus. My point: however you want to do it is fine, but try to focus on feeling something ineffable and important this week.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Feeling isolated and separate from other people? Not you! Maybe you've been down recently, but not now. Gone are the issues between you and that person. You may want to calmly review what went wrong, but don't spend too much time on it. I had a friend who never did anything with their lover because the two of them could never get past rehashing their last fight before another fight came on. So forget the postmortem and get to having fun. Otherwise, Friday could plunge you back into strife, and you'll be sad you missed the opportunity.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
I'm always nervous when I have friends like you. You've got so much tact and insight, people don't even know when you're working them to get what you want. Luckily, you will only use your powers for good. And if in your do-gooding, you just happen to get fondled and groped by three or four people at the same time, so be it. No one's getting hurt, now, are they?
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
You may be mistaken for the guy from the Mountain Goats this week. Suddenly you're incredibly articulate, coming up with all sorts of devastating things to say. People will want to get on top of you and bring out the secret sex techniques they keep in the cellar only for special occasions. On Thursday, they may get overwhelmed by work and other such annoyances. Just tap them on the shoulder, say something wonderful (as you tend to) and undo their pants.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
Man, I just read this book called Who Will Run The Frog Hospital? and there's a part in it where the main teen character repeatedly blows off her not-so-attractive foster sister. It sure is sad. Poor European foster sister! Likewise, I'd feel sad for your friends this week if I knew them. You've been neglecting them in favor of your increasingly pornographic personal life. Remedy that this week by socializing with them. You may feel like your wasting your time on Thursday, but stick it out. Just think, she's from Europe! I hear they have to learn all sorts of crazy sex tricks in elementary school over there!
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
Some sort of chemical in alcohol is making people around you tricky. You sit there together seemingly having a conversation, but upon closer inspection they're giving you their Charlie Rose interview: not paying attention to anything you say and holding forth for their own entertainment. Best thing for you to do will be to say something like "I see your point about the European Union, but I was thinking about screwing your brains out." The rest of the week will go much better after this.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
Temptation! Everywhere you turn! Sexy people are causing you all sorts of hot flashes, but alas! They're monks and nuns! Well, maybe not literally, but they're that inaccessible for reasons all of human society seems to agree on. This won't stop your feelings this week, but sometimes, no matter how much you'd like something, it just can't happen. Try to prick the conscience of the person you're with instead.
