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REGULARS
posted 7/4/2005
JULY 4 - JULY 10
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
promotion
This week, imitate the voice of the robot from Short Circuit or learn all the words to LL Cool J's "I Need Love." A little showing off will yield results, and those are some examples that worked for me in seventh grade. Seems silly, I know, but people haven't been paying enough attention to your subtle wit. Showing off got me laid, and it can work for you too! Of course, it took five years, but still . . .
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
If I were you, I wouldn't go see this documentary called March of the Penguins. You'll be very sensitive as the week begins, liable to tear up at all those penguins walking across frozen Antarctica to try and have sex. With Wednesday's New Moon, it looks like a week for second chances. This could mean the return of a former tortured relationship. Just put away the stuff you don't want to get smashed before the two of you start in again.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
Despite their prodigious orgasmic abilities, the person you've been sleeping with is starting to seem like a little brother, making borderline- mean comments and then disavowing any evil intent when you call them on it. "What are you talking about? I was just messing with you when I said you were a dumbass." Their nagging ways, paired with their insistence on tagging along — to the gym, the movies, the corner store deli — are going to be particularly annoying this week. So if you're not yet ready to find a new bedmate, take time away when you can.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
Be sure and wear cute clothes this week — you're going to be somewhat unexpectedly recognized for your achievements and general wonderfulness. Maybe the boss will pat you on the shoulder with a "job well done!" or perhaps the person with whom you lay in bed will tap you on the shoulder to say, "Can I just say, you are the best person with whom I have lain in my entire life. Good work." As the week wears on, spread this incoming love to others. At the very least, it will help ensure you get another person's sexual thumbs-up in the near future.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
While Who Wants to Be a Hilton is very, um, informative and engaging, you might feel listless as the week begins. So read something. Something old, maybe filed under "Literature" at Barnes and Noble, maybe something which a liberal-arts professor once told you was the product of something bad, like capitalism or the United Kingdom. In the same way that your brain craves something more serious this week, your loins are in need of something just as thoughtful.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You'll start the week emotionally frazzled, likely to scream at the wrong person. Try to keep calm. On Wednesday, skip out on work and other social obligations. There may be voices in your head — or in your bed — telling you it won't help, but some room to breathe and a short chance to get away from little annoyances will make all the difference.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
This week, combine activities in creative ways, the way people do when they're on speed. Instead of sweatily typing out a sequel to Infinite Jest on your computer and repainting your walls in half-inch-thick bands of different-colored paint, try multitasking during sex. For example, see how many body parts you can pleasure simultaneously.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You're great to be around this week, so enthusiastic about life and people. You'll make kitten mewling sounds and root around on your partner's body searching for "milk" and they won't scream and run away because you're so vigorously sunny. They'll be somehow both charmed and freaked out, and we all know this is a volatile sexual cocktail. Make the most of it mid-week, when you'll be at the peak of your sexual powers for the month.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Someone's trying to use old information against you this week. Well, they'd better enjoy their emotional blackmail while they can, because Wednesday's New Moon ushers in a period of sexual and personal success for you that will render them powerless. Remember that everyone makes mistakes, and obsessing about things you can't change will keep you from moving forward.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
All that languid Enya sex you've been having will have to stop this week. Instead, try doing the sexual equivalent of feats of strength. Pick your partner up and fling her onto the bed from across the room. Bend him in half like a bar of iron. Shout and grunt. The exertion will do you good. Don't know if you noticed, but those languid types get pretty saggy.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
Read the Tao of Pooh this week but skip the Te of Piglet. (In the latter, the author, who seemed reasonable and smart in the Pooh book, suddenly becomes a grumpy old curmudgeon bemoaning I-don't-know-what-all.) This week will be a lesson in going with the flow. If you start messing with your finances or trying to boss the person you're with, "that shit will snap right back in your face," as Lao Tze puts it. So try to go along with things and not interfere too much. By Thursday, you'll be a wise master with naked pupils assembled at your feet.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
You don't want to listen to that friend of yours who keeps trying to get you to join some sort of team or listen to pop. You feel like it might violate some sort of indie-rock ethic which was handed down to you by college radio. Unfurrow that suspecting brow and give the things of this world a shot this week. There's unexpected greatness to be found in the world outside the Black Dice. Sometimes normal things hold weird wonder, including the missionary position.
