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47
Jan 16th, 2008


 

Dear Miss Information,
It's my biggest fantasy to watch my girl bang another man. She gets hot when we talk about it, especially in the bedroom, but she keeps saying she's too scared to try. How can I get her to cross over that imaginary (but very real) line? — Two Minus One


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Two Minus One,
Dude, CALL JOHNNY DEPP. Seriously. Who would refuse a threesome with that man? He's so universally hot even my grandma and my IKEA garbage can want to fuck him. Actually, that's a lie. I don't think Johnny Depp is that comely. The facial hair is a cross between Lovesexy-era Prince and a homosexual catfish. Yuck.
You say very little about why your girlfriend is scared. Have you asked her, or did you stop at no and move on? The next time the topic comes up, see if you can draw out a few more details. Preferably this won't be done while you're in the heat of the moment, in bed. It'll sound like wheedling. Do it sometime when there's less pressure. Possible reasons just off the top of my head are:
1) She's afraid you'll view her differently afterwards. Instead of a girl you watch Netflix with, she's become some kind of crazy sexpot.
2) She's worried she'll fall for the other guy. Even worse, you'll fall for the other guy.
3) She's seeing it as a one-time thing, but you're harassing her to do it all the time.
4) She tried to get into it, but it just felt awkward. She didn't want to do it but was afraid of letting you down and went ahead anyway.
Talk to her about best-case/worst-case scenarios, and keep in mind that you can approach this in steps. You don't have to go from zero to double penetration. You can have makeout parties, heavy-petting sessions, and so on. Hell, you guys might find you get everything you need and stop there. No need to go all the way.
Final word of advice: Let her take the lead picking the guy. Keep in mind that the world isn't teeming with people willing to do this. It may take some time. Meanwhile, see if you can get her to amp up the dirty talk or start exploring another fantasy. There's a chance this one will never happen.
 

Dear Miss Information,

I went on a date with a really great gentleman. We had dinner, which included a large bottle of wine. Since I'm not much of a drinker and I was pretty out of it, he suggested he drive me home and we spend the night at his house. Long story short, I ended up sleeping in his bed. Nothing happened, we just kissed. Since then, I've been distraught. I feel as if I've ruined the chances of a serious relationship, and made him see me as a floozy rather than the nice, mature woman I am. I'm newly divorced and not used to dating, but I want to get it right this time around. How can I have a serious relationship with someone I go home with the first night? — Regretting the Vino

Dear Regretting the Vino,
Was there some all-night sex session that I missed? Did I miss a few lines about watersports and hamster bondage? You went on a date, drank some booze, and made what the overwhelming majority of non-celebutante adults would consider to be a responsible decision not to drink and drive. Then you took the goody two-shoes act a few steps further by refraining from sexual intimacy before you're ready, something that's hard to do when you're all liquored up.
I don't think the relationship is ruined, but all this nervous, high-strung behavior could put it in jeopardy. You made a mistake. Alcohol will do that to you. And Hooksexups. And first dates. And dating after you've been single a long time. Two New Year's resolutions I want you to make, Vino. The first is regarding ass, the second is regarding alcohol:
1. ASS: I will go on dates with my eyes and ears open. I will make decisions in my best interests, and not take things so seriously all of the time. I will not offer myself up for anyone's judgment, or assume that said judgment is correct or relevant, without taking all other factors into consideration.
2. ALCOHOL: I will not drink so much the next time. I will alternate alcoholic beverages with non-, and eat a big meal before or during the event. I will recognize booze-pushing behaviors when they occur ("Let's do a shot!" he says, ordering before you can resist) and engage in clever deflection ("Awesome!" you say, "I'm going to give mine to that grizzled old Vietnam vet at the end of the bar.")
There was a time for taking a guy's word as law. That time was called high school. Developmentally, you're still there, because you've been out of the dating game a while. But things are different now. You can go all the way without being a ho. It takes a lot to be called a ho these days. Trust me. If you're not comfortable with a certain behavior, just take an analytical approach. "Hmm. I don't feel good doing that. I'm not going to do that again." Then that's it. End of self-flagellation.
Dear Readers: Here's a question I didn't have space to get to in this week's column:
At what point is it okay to give the single parent you're dating advice or input regarding how to raise their child? The reader in this situation wasn't talking about anything serious — the kid was throwing a tantrum in a grocery store and the father wasn't (in the dater's opinion) doing enough to shut him down. Three months? One year? Engagement? Marriage?
Leave your comments in the Feedback section. Work it out.
 
 

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©2008 Erin Bradley and hooksexup.com

Comments ( 47 )

Never. Seriously.
ER commented on Jan 16 08 at 1:03 pm
Agreed with FP.
LW commented on Jan 16 08 at 1:07 pm
After you marry them and adopt the kids... Or when they ask for advice and you are sure they really want to know. Definitely postmortem. Of if the issue is affecting you. ie. the kid is destroying my house, abusing my pet dog etc etc. But probably best just to avoid the situation rather then comment about it.
xls commented on Jan 16 08 at 2:12 am
I think you can offer advice at 3 months, IF you think the person you are with will not go ballistic and will take the advice in the spirit it was intended. In other cases, it can never be offered. Depends on the dynamics of the relationship.
GL commented on Jan 16 08 at 4:07 am
I'd say "When you feel comfortable doing it" i.e. the intimacy between you makes it possible to say something about it. That moment can come days or weeks or years after you first started dating, depending on how much you feel you can give each other advice on anything. If she had a doubt, they're probably not that far into the relationship yet. That said, any advice should always be imparted in a non-judgmental, caring manner. People are often very insecure about their parenting (men especially, I'd have to say, since they're not conditioned from childhood to take care of children) and may take it the wrong way, however intimate the relationship.
LG commented on Jan 16 08 at 8:18 am
When you have looked after the child on your own, successfully. (That is, both you and the child are satisfied, and the next time the child doesn't tell her father "Don't leave me with her! She's mean!) Then rather than telling the father what to do, you can just do it. Oh, and what xls said.
ajc commented on Jan 16 08 at 8:20 am
... but that may not actually be the issue. If the couple were out shopping together and the child had a tantrum, the father would feel stuck between his obligation to his date and to his child. Criticising his discipline in those circumstances will not only not address the issue, it will again put the poor guy in the position of choosing between his child and his date. Instead, later ask what would make those sorts of situations easier to handle in the future. Maybe he and the kid could sit in the car together while you finish shopping. You aren't always going to be the centre of attention. Or maybe next time you don't try to do adult-centred things at all when he has his kid. Maybe you do kid-centred stuff, or you go off with your own friends and see the dad when he doesn't have his kid.
ajc commented on Jan 16 08 at 8:27 am
Being a single father of two, I would have to say that the relationship would have to be a rather serious one for someone to tell me about what to do with my kids. Definitly more involved then just a couple of dates....year maybe But that is just my two cents....
rg commented on Jan 16 08 at 10:56 am
Never give your opinion about their children unless you are asked. In this case a simple "Wow, thats some tantrum." If they say "Yes, but I don't know what to do about it." There is your opening. I say even in marriage... I never give my wife opinions on her children unless asked.
LB commented on Jan 16 08 at 11:31 am
Never, ever, ever. At least not until you have given the kid a kidney, and he has saved you from a burning car. Some parents do suck, and some probably could use advice, but trust me-- _you_ don't know what that advice is. When you see a kid, all you see is that moment, not all the work and strategy and knowledge of the child that the parent had to employ to get the kid to be at least _that_ civilized.
ebw commented on Jan 16 08 at 11:31 am
Wow. All of this really reinforces the notion that dating people with kids is a bad idea -- apparently it's a part of the person's life that I have zero right to have an opinion about. Yikes. Is there seriously no place in a relationship for a respectful discussion about parenting? I would have thought that once a person has a relationship with the child (not just the parent), then a calm talk about values and parenting strategies (after the fact, and without the kid present) would be a reasonable expectation. This might happen after three months, or a year, or maybe never. But if this wasn't even a possibility, I'd just leave. The parent is not ready for an adult relationship if s/he isn't willing to even discuss it.
kk commented on Jan 16 08 at 11:55 am
If you can't handle a tantrum, you probably aren't ready to date a parent. Parents know what works best for the kid. They've been there since day 1, you're the newcomer. They've worked damn hard to reduce the amount of tantrums the kid has, but all you see is that sometimes the kid has tantrums. Maybe intervening would have escalated the situation - the father has almost definitely tried to intervene before, and if he's not doing it now, it probably had disastrous results. Sometimes you just have to ride it out. BUT ... while public tantrums are common kid behaviour (and as such, just need to be accepted,) watch for out for the less common stuff, maybe something the father hasn't dealt with before, and try to help out with that. Note - help means gentle suggestions, not commandeering the situation.
LKM commented on Jan 16 08 at 12:30 pm
So you people who say 'never' you'll 'never' put enough trust in the person you're banging for them to suggest that maybe junior shouldn't have a soda right before bed ? or that maybe a different approach to a common problem might be the answer ? Obviously there will always be some questions that always have the same answer(i.e. spanking, etc)... But I think that it's a little disrespectful of the person whom you chose to be involved with to basically say eventually we can share a checking account, or maybe have more kids, but you'll never, ever be able to contribute to this one thing. That being said, I think the right 'timeframe' would be when the parent feels comfortable enough with the other to have a conversation about being open to the others thoughts and ideas. You don't necessarily need to give them carte blanche, but allowing them to be heard is a fair expectation
AJL commented on Jan 16 08 at 12:35 pm
How do you react to a proposal by a California Assemblywoman, Fiona Ma, D-San Francisco that would require the state attorney general to create a searchable Web site to identify people convicted of one felony or two misdemeanor domestic violence crimes? A Megan's law for daters--a woman meets a guy in a club, adjourns to the restroom and uses a text message to determine instantly whether her suitor has a history of dating violence! Dating is tough enough without one more hitch. I know that women must be on guard, far more than back in the 60s and 70s but I think this proposal is wide open for abuse. This story was in the Sacramento Bee newspaper.
MBD commented on Jan 17 08 at 1:34 am
Never give a parent advice about how to raise his or her child until that parent requests advice or plainly states that you should consider yourself part of the parenting team. Period. There's no better way to create resentment and a whole host of other relationship problems than to offer advice. The really bad thing about offering parenting advice is that the advice-giver usually has little or no understanding of the dynamics between the parent and the child or the dynamics of the day that preceded the "temper tantrum in the grocery store." Has the kid been picked on all day by a sibling? Has the kid been sick? Has he been cooped up all day? Has she been disappointed by some event (like her other parent not showing up for his/her weekend)? Is the child sleepy and fussing and has just now broken down, but will quickly recover from the tantrum after a few moments? Rarely does the dating-non-parent know these details. Better to keep your mouth shut. Or, if you must, ask the parent if there is anything that you can do for him/her to help out during the tantrum. (For example, taking the grocery cart and leaving the aisle so that parent and child can have some space to solve the problem--without either parent or child losing "face" before you during the scale-down...)
AS commented on Jan 17 08 at 1:54 am
When they ask for it.
RK commented on Jan 16 08 at 2:39 pm
Children do this . If you are a parent, you will witness this many times in your life. Most parents recognize this and will offer a sympathetic look or smile. If you don't have children, your advice will probably go unheeded. Act accordingly.
ty commented on Jan 16 08 at 3:11 pm
As soon as you begin sharing child care duties - not as in, you look after the kids one afternoon, but as in you're an active part of ensuring that they're cared for. Then it's time for a discussion about how the parenting arrangement will work - and what both of your views are about parenting as part of that discussion. Recognizing that the biological parent ultimately has veto power, and not being overly forceful about your views.
snm commented on Jan 16 08 at 3:35 pm
Not until the parent asks for your help with the child. If the parent invites the three of you to spend time together, then that's all you get to do. However, if the parent places you in a situation where you develop a relationship with the child that is exclusive from your relationship with the parent, then diplomatically attempting input is acceptable.
jg commented on Jan 16 08 at 3:50 pm
>> At what point is it okay to give the single parent you're >> dating advice or input [...] Ok, so this is a complex question. Let's start with what you've told us. The fact that you don't know the answer to this question means one of two things, either (1) You're relationship with Dad-Date is relatively new, or (2) You guys are not talking enough. If it's (1), you have a couple of choices: (a) Treat Dad-Date as a stranger. Do Nothing. (b) Treat Dad-Date as you would a friend with a child. ie. In most cases, leave them the hell alone. Unless something is seriously wrong, Or is seriously affecting you. For example, if you think Dad-Date is doing a lame job, but it doesn't really affect you, probably shouldn't go there. However, if you were upset or embarrassed by the child's behavior, it's ok for you to say something to express that. So: "Hey Lover, I don't want to be around the two of you, if Child is going to behave that way." This is not a statement of his parenting. It is a statement of your comfort, and your purpose to not allow yourself to be put in that situation. (c) Treat as if you are a baby-sitter. In other words, you have temporary responsibility over this child, but you're not equal partners. In which case, do not interact with The Dad, interact with The Child. For example: "Hey kid, We don't behave like that in the supermarket. Knock it off." (d) Treat as if you are an equal partner. In which case, see solution to #2). If it's #2, ie. You've been with this guy for a while, you are living together, or are seriously considering it, you are responsible for the child's well-being on some regular basis, etc., then: You need to sit down with your man and Figure This Out. There's no Right Answer. There's what responsibility You Want to have over this child, and what responsibility He Wants You To Have. (There are other factors potentially too: What the child thinks, what other relations (the other parent, grandparents, etc.) think, that may have bearing on this as well.) But point is, you need to negotiate this. Sit down with him (when the child is not present; you can include him later, if you want, but start this discussion with just the Dad), and say things like: * If I disagree with you about something relating to your child, how do you want me to bring it up. Immediately? That night? At our weekly summit meeting? Should there be a code word? * Do you want me to have responsibility for this child? If so, I'm going to disagree with you about parenting stuff sometimes. How should we resolve those differences? Is your word law? Do you (or him) get to veto things? Do you act as a united front when in the presence of The Child? * I've been noticing a lot of temper tantrums from The Child lately. It bothers me. Does it bother you? If so, can we talk about ways to alleviate that problem? etc. Good luck!
Lulu commented on Jan 16 08 at 3:52 pm
Never, never offer advice in the middle of a difficult moment. After the fact, you can say something like, "Let me know if I can help you in a situation like that, otherwise I'll stay out of the way." If you are a parent as well, you'd probably only offer empathy because you'd understand that tantrums happen to good people and those good people deal with them in the best way they know how. Sometimes the best way is to do nothing at all. But if you had a similar personal experience and had come upon some new, effective way of dealing with it, you could share the experience. You can not step in to discipline the child yourself until and unless the parent invites you to do so.
CH commented on Jan 16 08 at 4:12 pm
Regarding when to give advice to the dating single parent on child rearing : only after they have asked! The ask could be in the form of a statement like "I don't know what to do about ..." or "Nothing I try seems to work!" but offerring unsolicited advice to someone about how to rear their child is generally not appreciated. In the situation of the store tantrummer, later that day you could say something along the lines of "I was thinking about Bill's behaviour in the store and it reminded me that my mother/sister/aunt used to (fill in with words of advice) when my brother/neice/cousin behaved that way and it seemed to end the tantrums." But offerring unsolicited advice to them during the stressful time of the tantrum will likely not be well received.
RL commented on Jan 16 08 at 4:15 pm
1) Not in front of the child(ren) (*) (for not to confuse it/them) 2) When the situation is comfortable for both of you (* This also holds true for parents.) I think it's not so much the question of _when_ but rather of _how_ to give an advise (no matter on what subject). First, make clear for yourself why you felt uncomfortable in that situation. Then tell the parent about your perception of the situation, about _your_ felings at that time, and how you would have acted in his place (and why). On goes an adult discussion ... Of course you need to have a certain mutual trust for opening up your feelings. This would then answer the question about the right time: when you are ready to openly talk about your feelings (in that situation in the store). The only exception would be when the parent acts abusively, in which case you should act immediately.
cas commented on Jan 16 08 at 5:48 pm
I agree with the writers who say don't offer advice unsolitcited, but do offer to help ("Is there anything I can do to help"). Later, when you're alone with your date, I also think it's appropriate to talk about the situation, even to the point of asking, "Do you want suggestions, or should I just leave this alone?" I dated a woman with older children, and we strategized all the time about how to deal with them in various scenarios. I think one of the keys is to convey (honestly) to the parent that you care about the child, too (and if you don't, stop dating the parent).
REM commented on Jan 16 08 at 5:58 pm
I have brought up the idea of seeing my girlfriend in bed with another man (I am 36 and my girl is 31) and once I mention her college boyfriend as the lucky guy, she gets excited. We have seen some porn, including youporn.com with amateur couples with another man for some very hot sex. Her fantasy is to be picked up in a dance club and bring the guy home for drinks, fool around on the sofa, strip, shower and play around in the bathroom naked when she pulls him into the bedroom. Then I am to sneak in and watch them as she has oral sex with him but no intercourse. Is this a hot fantasy or what?
DLG commented on Jan 16 08 at 6:25 pm
Re: parenting advice to a date. NEVER. The child already has two parents and doesn't need another one, even if you end up marrying the dude. Let it go, and if you don't like his relationship with his kid, let him go. They come as a package and nothing wrecks a relationship faster than unsolicited advice over parenting issues. Exception: you're practically engaged and he's asked you for advice. In which case I'd only be honest about my concerns in a specific non-judgmental way, and suggest that maybe he should consult a professional.
VK commented on Jan 16 08 at 11:20 pm
"At what point is it okay to give the single parent you're dating advice or input regarding how to raise their child?" If you have to ask, then it is too early. It doesn't sound like 'advice' as much as it sounds like a criticism of how the parent handled it. If the parent considers it a problem, then there is plenty to talk about. If you consider it a problem but the parent doesn't ... then you are just criticizing the parent. Lets just say that after the tantrum, and after the child is no longer present, the parent says something like, "that was a mess" or acknowledges that it was difficult or awkward. You then might say something like, "when I was a kid, dad used to 'x'.... and x should be something funny. Then you can chat about dealing with children, etc. Basically it sounds like you think that the parent should be stricter, and you can sort of forget about it. Depending on the age, there are some little tricks that work for a while -- for example, there is a certain age where a child will always chose the second alternative (for about 2 months, until they catch on), and you can make them think something is their idea by letting them choose what you want them to do (there are a number of variants on this). When they get older, the problems get to be more fun. Like what to do when they wreck your car or experiment with alcohol or you find a used condom under the back seat. These are like the answers on an essay test -- there is no right answer and creative responses are always interesting. If you can discuss these things with a sense of humor and empathy, it is always appropriate.
TW commented on Jan 17 08 at 4:50 am
Re: Drunk Floozy So you had a date and a nice time. DOn't put so much pressure on yourself that this next person has to be a serious relationship. Fucking enjoy yourself and enjoy some fucking.
SD commented on Jan 17 08 at 5:34 am
I remember when my mom and stepdad first met, I was 10. For the first few months, he kind of stayed away from us kids, but when he started to be around us more, he immediately jumped in to telling us what to do and suggesting things to my mom (he has 2 kids, so it wasn't completely untested stuff.) I could always tell when things were his suggestion because his parenting style is wildly different from hers. I hated him and I resented him and I fought with him because I didn't feel that his behaviour was appropriate (especially since my brother has some additional challenges that weren't taken into consideration.) Him and my mom have been together for 15 years now (longer than my mom and dad ever were) and there is still major tension between us, and I will tell him off when he 'parents' my younger siblings. So if you jump in too early, you don't just risk offending the dad, you risk permanently alienating the kid.
LKM commented on Jan 17 08 at 12:03 pm
Never. Nevernevernever. I love my stepmother, especially because she has been in my life since I was a child and in all of that time she never tried to punish or 'raise' me. If I or my sister did something that bothered her she would tell us the same way she would tell another adult. My father acts the same way to her children. It's possible she and my father exchanged parenting advice when we weren't around, but they have different parenting styles and I think that all of us have better relationships because they accepted that they were important adults in their step-children's lives, but not extra parents.
EJ commented on Jan 17 08 at 4:42 pm
Regarding when to give advice on child-raising, I think it's always going to be hairy, but it becomes your business when: 1) you think the child's well-being is at risk 2) you believe you're going to marry or otherwise commit to the parent, and this child will be your responsibility too. I don't see any way to give criticism on child-raising in anything less than a very serious relationship. If you're not so seriously with someone, and you like them a lot but not how they raise their kids, chances are you won't stick around long enough to have a heartfelt conversation about temper tantrums. Parenting style can be a deal-breaker too.
KC commented on Jan 17 08 at 6:44 pm
Avoid places with kids! Shop somewhere else! Stay away from kids and people with kids!
SV commented on Jan 18 08 at 11:28 pm
If you're dating someone you think is a crappy parent, stop dating them. It's a favor to you and to them. Either you're an arrogant jerk who doesn't understand kids, or they're a crappy parent. In neither case will this work out well.
ml commented on Jan 19 08 at 10:24 am
For "guy who wants to watch his girl bang another guy but she's not all that into it"... This is the problem with fetishes. You get so self-centered or fetish-centered that you'll eff up everything pressuring other people to dig it like you do. It's like trying to make someone like Chinese food when they just don't. Either play with your fantasy as fantasy till it burns itself out, which it eventually will, or get a different girlfriend. She doesn't want to do that, get that, a-hole? You have a couple of choices: she will leave you for the guy you make her eff or she will leave you because you made her eff that guy. Or you knock it off and realize that not every masturbation-fantasy you have must rule your life.
ml commented on Jan 19 08 at 10:43 am
Regarding the question about giving "advice" on how your partner should care for their child: Being a single mom myself nothing offends me more than people giving me "advice" on how to discipline my child. The main reason that this pisses me off so much is that no one is stepping in to help, they just want to tell me what to do and be somehow grateful for their advice. In the writers situation, i do not think it is a matter of time being with the single parent that gives them the go-ahead to start doling out parenting advice, especially if they are not a parent themselves. What this person needs to do is to sit down and clarify with the parent how they would prefer this person to act to wards their child. Also, depending on the age of the child, this person should talk to the child about how they feel them playing a disciplinarian role in their life. Also it would help tremendously if this person helps out as much as possible with the care of the child and the care of the parent, their partner. Then they could back up their advice with action, and show that they really care and not just don't want to be embarrassed in public by a misbehaving child, which sometimes is just inevitable and you have to deal with it.
m.c. commented on Jan 19 08 at 5:00 pm
I have two grown kids and the last woman who I dated off and on has two adolescent boys. The younger boy seems like he's bi-polar or something. For the longest time I admired her for being such a solid person in their lives. She worked a state job and provided a solid home for the boys while their father is a recovering alcoholic on disability. I tried to get involved as little as possible in the boys
CS commented on Jan 20 08 at 10:09 pm
So if you are dating someone with kids, you have no rights at all? The kids will affect you too, both good and bad, and why, oh why is it such a terrible thing to discipline the kids if they overstep your boundaries? Why can't you say "calm down, the screaming is driving me nuts"? Are children holy little creatures that must be shielded by any outside influence? In other parts of the world it takes a village to raise a kid. Concerned and mature adults' attention is seen as a good thing for the kid. You can't ask someone to be around your kid and then not allow them to respond to them. IF the parent truly doesn't want another adult's input on their child - then don't date. Or never introduce your date to your kids. That way you get your kids ALL to your self.
blf commented on Jan 21 08 at 12:15 pm
It is never okay to tell someone how to raise their kid. No matter how tactfully you put it, they're still going to be put on the defensive. I'd say the best thing to do in this situation really depends on where you are in the relationship. You can try to distract the kid from whatever is causing the behavior. Either take him outside, (definitely something to do if you've been dating for a while) "Hey Johnny! Why don't you and I go outside and look at the cars/people/birds in the sky?" Take him to another part of the store, "Hey Johnny, look at this freaky-looking apple/lobster!" Or just ignore it and put some distance between you and the screaming brat.
mmm commented on Jan 22 08 at 1:47 am
Engagement. That's assuming that you yourself don't have any experience in raising a child. If you have a child of your own, then maybe 6 months or so would be ok. Sometimes there's more going on then you realize with a parent's reaction to a tantrum. Maybe the parent knows from experience that if he does very little, the tantrum will last only a few minutes. Giving in will only lead to many more tantrums. I have a 4 year old myself and the idea of someone without kids trying to tell me how to deal with a tantrum in a grocery store is just ridiculous.
JL commented on Jan 21 08 at 2:00 pm
I'd say that if things are at the point where you are in the store with him and his son...you are in a position to say something. Tolerating a child's bad behavior will lead to stress in the relationship and now is the time to learn about compatibility. After all, if you don't care for how he raises his kid and he doesn't care for your input or opinion or feelings on that matter, then better to know sooner than later.
JG commented on Jan 21 08 at 2:43 pm
I would tread carefully when it comes to offering advice - especially if you don't have children yourself. Many parents are sensitive about this topic, especially coming from someone who doesn't have experience raising children. However, I don't think you should ignore how it affects your relationship and should communicate that rather than telling him how to raise his kid. It's a package deal (the kid and the dad) and you have to decide if that's what you want and can live with.
MO commented on Jan 21 08 at 11:29 pm
The best thing you can do for a temper tantrum in progress is ignore it. The fact that your reader thought dad could shut the tantrum down automatically disqualifies her from giving parenting advice. You can defuse tension before a tantrum starts, or clean up afterwards. But, anything you do to stop a tantrum while it is happening is like trying to stop an eruption by throwing ice cubes into a volcano.
jh commented on Jan 21 08 at 11:47 pm
In regards to your question about how long you should bbe dating a single parent before you can give them parenting advice - are you a parent yourself? if not that can kinda piss off people who may think 'what the hell do they know anyway'. Also i think it depends on how it was going to be executed. If you were going to pick the child up and go 'come on honey lets go sit down outside while daddy finishes the shopping', that would come across much nicer than if you were going to pick the kid up, slap it on the ass and say 'shut the hell up', or even addressing the parent by saying 'you're doing it all wrong moron and you're making a scene'. Good luck with that!
LB commented on Jan 22 08 at 12:33 am
Isn't the issue more with the child than the parent? If "the dater" has a relationship with the child, that's one thing, and they can then deal with the situation directly (this is more likely one year in than 3 months but there's nothing magical about engagement or marriage that makes it appropriate then). If not, then maybe take it up later with the father in the context of "it makes me uncomfortable when your kid writhes on the floor at the grocery store." 'imho
rew commented on Jan 22 08 at 4:58 pm
You can never parent your potential stepchildren? Ever? Puh-leaze. Casual dater's should not police each other's children much but any kind of serious relationship demands that some concessions be made. If nothing else children are subject to the basic rule that they are required to obey reasonable instructions from any non-stranger adult. They have to obey their teacher, the babysitter, the sunday school teacher, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. This includes stepparents and serious potential stepparents. This is a normal part of life. This doesn't mean that if you date someone you are allowed to make decisions about discipline that run counter to their principles. But just like you would with children that are mutual progeny a peace and compromise must be negotiated between everyone's ideas about discipline and reasonable behavior.
DBR commented on Jan 23 08 at 4:19 pm
re: the kid. NEVER.
LM commented on Jan 25 08 at 1:34 am
Never tell someone how to parent their Kid. If they ask you for advice --- remember you may end the relationship.
pps commented on Jul 02 08 at 12:34 pm

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