Sex Advice From Juggalos

BY JUSTIN JUUL

“Dirty Byrd,” 25

I’ve got my eye on a Juggalo, but I’m not a Juggalette. Should I just give up?
No, that’s fine. My friend Cliff is with this little tiny girl who keeps to herself. I think she actually works as a librarian. It really doesn’t matter. There’s no, like, hard criteria for it. I guess if you’re part of the family it’s easier, but nobody’s going to turn you away for being an outsider.

What's the best way to pick up a Juggalo?
I don’t know if there really is a best way. We’re all pretty perverted, I guess. We like tattoos and piercing and all that — goth-looking girls, you know.

What’s the craziest thing you’ve seen at a Juggalo event?
Oh shit, where do I start? I was at a Miss Juggalette Pageant one night and I saw a girl get onstage and shove a twelve-inch kielbasa up her neden hole. Juggalos can’t dance, you know? So I guess they got to do something.

Wait, what’s a neden hole?
Oh, we call vaginas nedens.

Do Juggalos have sex in clown makeup?
I don’t — my girl’s not into that kind of shit — but that’s actually a pretty big thing with Juggalos. I was talking to one of my homies the other day and he was like, “Yeah, we got all painted up and made a porno last night.” So it happens, definitely. I remember back in 2003, 2004 there was tons of it around, just like bootleg Juggalo porn. People all painted up. It was pretty crazy.

I've been getting serious with a guy. The more I get to know him, the more I realize he’s super Christian. I'm not even a little bit. Should I end it?
No. If you love a girl, then that shouldn’t matter. Unless she’s, like, all gung-ho and trying to convert you. Then maybe you can kick her to the curb. Most things are cool with Juggalos. I’ve seen dudes with 300-pound girls with facial hair and it’s all good. Big, fat, bald, retarded — it’s all good with us.

I was really into this girl. Recently, I looked through her iPod and noticed it was nothing but Ke$ha and Lady Gaga. Is "terrible taste" an okay reason to break things off?
No. But it’s a good reason to just make fun of them.

My girlfriend hooked up with one of her girlfriends and I got mad. She said it didn’t count as cheating, but I’m pissed. Isn’t it cheating no matter who it’s with?
I guess if it was a drunken bar night, it wouldn’t be that big of a deal. Girls do stuff like that, you know. But if you come home and they’re all over each other on the couch, you’d probably be within your rights to get a little pissed. If they ask you join in, that could be another story, I guess. But I’m not too into lesbians to tell you the truth, so I’d probably be a little angry.

Comments ( 45 )

This is absolutely the best demographic of people for the column. Seriously not sarcasm- this was hilarious. I couldn't tell what I was laughing at.

snm commented on Jun 25 10 at 12:13 am

Woah, I feel like I know so,so,so much more about Juggalos than I did before.

megarie commented on Jun 25 10 at 12:33 am

fuckin' a, why would i want to know how to pick up a "juggalo"?

lp commented on Jun 25 10 at 12:53 am

@lp - to find out where that particular strain of hep c originated from?

sr commented on Jun 25 10 at 1:39 am

having an ipod full of gaga and ke$ha is more than enough reason to be booted... :)

Mishlynn commented on Jun 25 10 at 2:58 am

Juggalos seem like very open-minded, sweet people. Who knew?

hotpinkskirt commented on Jun 25 10 at 9:40 am

Dammit, I was expecting hypocritical "we are so non-conformist, regular people suck" lame-ass attitude, and instead we get normal, sensible people. How am I supposed to make snap-judgments based on people's appearance and interests if you keep throwing me these curve balls?

Moops commented on Jun 25 10 at 9:46 am

who knew they were so tolerant and into face painted orgies

josh commented on Jun 25 10 at 10:49 am

It seems that Juggalos are a lot smarter than their idols. "How do magnets work" indeed.

Solomon Grundy commented on Jun 25 10 at 11:16 am

The Concert Incident Wes talked about sounds fucking hilarious

Ryan commented on Jun 25 10 at 12:36 pm

Fuckin magnets, how do they work?

Kyle commented on Jun 25 10 at 12:42 pm

I hung around with the Juggalo crowd for about...6 years. Just kind of faded out of it. Amusingly, they one thing that they hate more than anything else are people that are judgmental, and it always amuses me that they're typically more open-minded, intelligent, and even polite than the majority of the people that pass judgement on them. It's typical, really. People always trash what they don't understand, and in this case, it's the judgmental individuals' loss.

Spike commented on Jun 25 10 at 12:58 pm

If anyone is seriously thinking about breaking up with someone because of terrible music on their iPod, may I submit for your consideration the fact that I work out to TERRIBLE music that I would be humiliated for a boyfriend to find out about. And it's all over my iPod. But it does get the blood pumpin.

gagagagaga commented on Jun 25 10 at 1:44 pm

HOW DO THEY WORK?

MAGNETS commented on Jun 25 10 at 2:07 pm

These people are great PR for Juggalos

Ben commented on Jun 25 10 at 2:35 pm

WHERE BABBY GET MADE HOW?

Juggalo2 commented on Jun 25 10 at 2:48 pm

Magic all up in this bitch!

MAGIC commented on Jun 25 10 at 2:51 pm

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
*wipes away tear*
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

surfer commented on Jun 25 10 at 3:00 pm

this makes me proud to be a juggalo lol

poof-bitch commented on Jun 25 10 at 3:07 pm

I used to be into ICP in middle school, considered myself a juggalo, but I have never got along with any random juggalo I have met except about 3. All the other ones I have met are obnoxious, annoying, and don't shower.

j commented on Jun 25 10 at 3:34 pm

But this article was some good PR indeed...

j commented on Jun 25 10 at 3:35 pm

wow. they may be different, but they have some really mature points of view on some of these topics.

bounce commented on Jun 25 10 at 4:11 pm

NONE OF THEM EXPLAINED HOW MAGNETS WORK.

Rob commented on Jun 25 10 at 5:43 pm

ARE YOU A SCIENTIST?

Much more down to earth than I expected. Seems like good people.

KS commented on Jun 25 10 at 6:13 pm

I wonder how many thousands of tards they had to sort through before they found the 3 with semi working brains.

Poe commented on Jun 25 10 at 7:50 pm

"Family" in this case just means "Paint your face, buy anything ICP puts their name on, and stop thinking for yourself."
MAGNETS! HOW DO THEY WORK?

Girraffes. Magic. commented on Jun 25 10 at 9:04 pm

It's amazing how many supposedly adults walk around and pretend it is Halloween all the time. Grow the fuck up and do something productive.

D commented on Jun 25 10 at 11:03 pm

What I think of all this is.. I need to keep you in my prayers and hope Jesus Christ can show you a better life :-)

Rob commented on Jun 25 10 at 11:06 pm

Protip: Asking a juggalo for relationship advice is like asking a car mechanic to examine your anus.

A Fuckin' Scientist commented on Jun 26 10 at 12:49 am

my mechanic loves giving me a tune-up. isn't he supposed to be checking my anus with his dipstick?

lammy commented on Jun 26 10 at 2:12 am

how does shitty subculture that steals from goth for their expectations of girls and has no decent music work?

sephiroth commented on Jun 26 10 at 7:37 am

I poop on this Juggalo phenomenon

Gimpy McPhlegmbath commented on Jun 26 10 at 8:39 am

fuckin relationships how do they work?

snoo commented on Jun 26 10 at 9:13 am

How come every single one of them answered the question about a super Christian GUY as if it were a girl? Did y'all at Hooksexup change the pronouns on them to make 'em look dumb? Because that's bad form right there.

V commented on Jun 26 10 at 11:39 am

Who knew furries were so thoughtful and open minded?

bonkus commented on Jun 26 10 at 1:16 pm

Sh*tty music like lady gaga? Wow. Last time I checked gaga can actually sing unlike these morons who are complete imbeciles. H*ll bent on destroying music as we know it also everyone of their so called fans I've met has no real knowledge of music and just tries to take some pseudo high road about the argument. Lame.

robert commented on Jun 26 10 at 1:17 pm

@bonkus: F***in' miracles....

Me commented on Jun 26 10 at 4:22 pm

Santa Claus created all of us equal!

Jake commented on Jun 27 10 at 1:01 am

What do you think?nothing 4 2day....

Name.lfrd commented on Jun 27 10 at 1:11 am

What do you think?nothing 4 2 day.....

Name.lfrd commented on Jun 27 10 at 1:17 am

i was fuckin this slut up in her dirty ass threw the rubber out the window as the car passed funny thing tho i didnt see you standing in the grass and it stuck to your fuckin mustache..... IN YO FACE!!

juggalotus commented on Jun 27 10 at 12:38 pm

(sigh)
I was full on expecting to be ripping on these people, but alas they seemed rather sensible. I'm admittedly a bit disappointed. I suppose that since the band they seem to focus on so intently is absolutely retarded one expects them to be as well.
Still...
Obsession of such a group of complete morons does allow for the sanity and reason of the followers to become suspect.

notapunk commented on Jun 27 10 at 4:23 pm

wow, okay, apparently I would rather hang around with juggalos than a random sampling of portland hipsters. who knew?

mj commented on Jun 28 10 at 6:38 am

I like turtles

Zombie Kid commented on Jun 28 10 at 8:18 am

Sex Advice From Juggalos

BY JUSTIN JUUL

“Dirty Byrd,” 25

Comments ( 45 )

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