The Art of Surprise

Now, if somehow you and your lover end up banned from the neighborhood Whole Foods, or just get sick of cleaning pudding off the bed frame, all is not lost. Your favorite gender-mags contain a whole host of other tips you can use to shake things up. There are far too many to enumerate them all, but here are some gems: 

"34 percent of guys say they wish a girl would surprise them with oral when they walk in the door." The other two thirds might think it's alarmingly compulsive, but we think that's a chance worth taking. Go on, "ambush him." If he freaks out, at least you've got those salty snacks on hand.

"Slide your hands down the front of his pants and graze his goods when you can tell he's had a hellish day... He really doesn't want to answer questions like, 'Are you okay?'... but your caress still sends the message that you're picking up his vibe." Translation: for you girls too shy for the stealth hummer, you can still just mutely grab his junk. It's a guaranteed way to feel like a sexbot without having to kneel on the kitchen floor.

Boys shouldn't discount the art of surprise either. From the good folks over at Maxim, we learn that "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking." Now, that's a statistic with an encouraging subtext if we've ever seen one: a whopping one in five women don't care if you "attempt anal sex" without asking. Hell, they might even like it! The article doesn't specify if this "surprise" is only welcome mid-intercourse, or if crowded elevators and ATM lines are also fair game, but we suggest you go for it.

Basically, this April, your love life is going to be like a make-your-own-smoothie booth at summer camp — nonsensical, laborious, and very messy. We're pretty certain that there aren't enough nights in the month for you to wear out all these zany tips, but, if you find yourself in a rut of fruitless sex, chin up. May is just around the corner.