All About Your New Vagina

Today on YourTango, a 37-year-old tells you all about her new vagina... and explains why she actually needed one.

I just recently picked up a new vagina. It's brand new, shiny, and never been tested by man. ...I feel like a new woman, a virtual born-again virgin.

My injuries were due to an emergency forceps birth, which caused significant muscle damage.... So, the need to be rebuilt, along with receiving a supportive bladder sling apparatus, was of medical necessity. My bladder now has a small nylon hammock (L.L. Bean, Cape Cod stripe, I imagine) that helps it from leaking during sneezes, coughs, and movies starring Steve Carrell.

[M]y surgeon repaired and tightened the damaged muscle tissue. As Borat would say, she removed the "sleeve of wizard."

My problem areas were things like Yoga classes, where in candlestick position my hoo-hoo would bellow and squeak... Also, I could eject a tampon 10 feet during a sneeze, a skill only useful in Dutch porn movies.

[In six weeks, she'll be able to actually use the vagina for sex.]

The way things are at present, no man's apparatus, even of the Fisher Price variety, could ever fit down there.