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 ay, Straight, or Taken? is a crass and witless dating show. It preys on cliches and stereotypes and is populated by camera-hogging hardbodies. Also, it is so much fun.
The premise — so kicky that the pitch meeting must have lasted as long as it takes to read this clause — is that one single girl must choose the straight guy from a trio of beefcake prospects. If she guesses right, she and her hottie are off on a pleasure-filled vacation certain to overflow with fruity cocktails and body shots. If she guesses wrong: sorry, thanks for playing. To help her choose, she goes on a "date" with each contestant, practicing yoga, or learning kung fu, or running across hot coals.
Basically, it's the same cringe-inducing scenarios played out by the same plastic contestants that are the lifeblood of all crass, witless dating shows. Except unlike those games (guilty pleasures like Elimidate, Blind Date, Next, or MTV's latest lie-detector lamefest, Exposed) in Gay, Straight, or Taken?, the viewer plays along. "It's the game you already play in real life," reads the teaser. "Now play it on Lifetime." I rolled my eyes when I heard this. But it's exactly what makes Gay, Straight, or Taken? work. Most single women (not to mention gay men) consider themselves experts at sniffing out a stranger's sexuality, even with little to no evidence. And here is a show that tests our hard-won gaydar. It's To Tell the Truth for the twenty-first century.
In the debut episode, which aired Monday night, a blonde named Jenner (yes, Jenner) must choose between a doofy personal trainer, a dreamy Italian bartender, and a spiky-haired club promoter. Jenner
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Like watching Jeopardy! as a lifetime know-it-all, and getting every answer wrong.
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spent thirty minutes vacillating between the three, but as soon as the men sauntered onto the cheesy Malibu pool set, I knew which was which. Not guessed, not figured — I knew. How did I get to be such a clever, clever girl? Some combination of intuition, years logged in theater and my own penchant for being, well, just a terrifically gay-friendly, enlightened human being, I guess. The club promoter was so clearly gay. The bermuda shorts, the gelled hair, the nervous reluctance to flirt. . . gay, gay, gay. After he pulled back awkwardly during a dance lesson with Jenner, I blurted to my viewing companion, "Look, even his eyes are gay." Well, turns out, dude was straight. The next episode, I swore up and down that another guy was gay, and this time, I was double-sure. Nope, foiled again! I couldn't believe it. I was dumbfounded. It was like watching Jeopardy! as a lifetime know-it-all, and getting every answer wrong.
Of course, that's exactly what's supposed to happen. Savvy editors and focus groups and the cackling corporate overlords at Endemol USA (how evil does that sound?) have assured that the show will unfold in this crafty way. As in any good mystery, at some point, every man is a suspect. His car is incredibly clean. Does that mean he's gay? He dances comfortably and close. Does that mean he's straight? No, wait, that means he's gay! (Or taken? Shit. Dunno.) Add in the complicating factor that two of the men are intentionally trying to throw you off their scent, and you've got a real mindfuck on your hands.
As a sidenote, the show still stands up for repeat viewings, because you have the added dramatic irony of knowing who is lying. It's fascinating to see how each man pulls it off (or doesn't); who takes a sip of water when he's nervous, who overcompensates by flirting too much. It's kind of like discovering the silent movie you just watched actually had sound. By the way, I'm not suggesting you purposefully watch Gay, Straight, or Taken? more than once. But on the off-chance you're strapped to the futon with no remote in sight, I'm just saying — there's an upside.
Gay, Straight, or Taken? doesn't have any greater moral purpose besides being a slick piece of entertainment. But it does offer a bit of cheap sociological insight, which is that no one can ever really tell who's gay, straight, or taken. Sexuality is too complex and nuanced. Every hard-and-fast stereotype is upended by an exception. The way we relate to the opposite sex often has as much to do with personality as with preferences between the sheets. Alfred Kinsey, who presumably knew more about this than me or you or Endemol USA, believed that homosexuality wasn't black and white so much as something that existed on a scale, from 0 to 6. The truth is, we're all a little gay. I can tell by our eyes. n°
| ABOUT THE AUTHOR: |
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Sarah Hepola has been a high-school teacher, a playwright, a film critic, a music editor and a travel columnist. Her work has appeared in the New York Times, Slate, The Guardian, and on NPR. She writes the Scanner blog for Hooksexup and lives in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. |
©2006 Sarah Hepola and hooksexup.com.
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