Sex Advice from Reggie Watts

The comedian and musician on touring with Conan, and why you shouldn't try to be funny while "making love."

By Ray Rahman

You tour a lot. During your travels, which city or region have you found to be the sexiest?
I’ve had a lot of sex in Seattle, probably more than any other place. But it doesn’t necessarily pop into my mind as the sexiest place. But, I’d say that Australia is a sexy place. The women who I’ve been with there are sexy in this really interesting way. They are more aggressive; they take charge. And that’s incredibly refreshing, because generally in the United States, people aren't as direct about sexual matters. What ends up happening here, as a guy — most the time, at least — is that you end up doing all of the, “Hey, how about this? Hey, I like you.” And there’s a response to that, but you have to actuate it. Australia is more straightforward, kind of like the United States in the early or mid ‘80s. But that’s Australia for you. Just living in a time warp.

You recently toured the country with Conan O’Brien. What’s the kinkiest thing you’ve seen him do?
It’s less kinky and more gross and weird, but I’d have to say it was Conan licking Jimmy LaBamba’s face. He would do this during the show on many, many nights. Just one man licking another man’s sweaty, bald head. It’s not the nicest thing to see. I could only watch it a couple of times.

Who’s better in bed, Reggie Watts the musician or Reggie Watts the comedian?
You’re not going to send a stealth reporter to go on a date with me and verify these claims, are you? If I had to chose, I’d say the musician. Being comedic in the bedroom definitely has its place, but, really, sex is a time for a great connection with someone. And sometimes humor naturally comes out of it. But, I try not to be in that mindset when I’m in the bedroom, because it’s time for a great experience. Even if it’s just a one-off thing, I try to be present for it. Generally, it’s not smart to actively try to create comedy while making love.

My girlfriend thinks that porn is cheating. I told her I quit, but I didn’t. I hate having to lie. How can I tell her to stop taking porn so seriously?
That’s a hard problem. If it’s possible, try explaining what it is about masturbating to porn that you like so much. You know, if there’s a specific type of porn. Or if you have your favorite producers. Or directors. Or series. Or actors, which is most likely. Because in essence, it is a part of who you are. If it’s something that makes you happy when you’re by yourself, then you should definitely figure out at way to make that work. But I’ve never had to explain to a girl why I like porn, or even found myself in a situation where a girlfriend discovers I’m watching porn. I’ve just always been pretty good at being discreet about it.

When's the best time to watch discreetly?
Anytime that there’s nobody around. Anytime you feel inspired. I think it’s important to stay away from a specific time, though. Because it’s more inspirational when it’s not scheduled.

What are some good pick-up lines that a guy can use without getting laughed at?
Well, I could manufacture some on the spot right now, but I don’t think they’d be very helpful.

Give it a shot.
“I love your particular organization of molecules.” Or, “You have amazing geometry.” Any other line is basically just, “Hi.”

My boyfriend’s family is really conservative, but I’m super liberal. I’m about to meet them for the first time. How can I ensure that everything goes smoothly?
For me, being political in that way — describing yourself as either liberal or conservative — is counterproductive to being a human being. It’s just pointless. Keep the conversation about shared human experience, rather than ideological exercises, because there’s no winning there. Unless sexually, you dig that sort of thing, and your boyfriend is into that, too. If you want to keep things smooth when you meet conservative people, the important thing is to keep it human. Learn about the family’s history. Keep it anthropological, like you’re an anthropologist learning about a culture. You have to stay as neutral as possible to really learn what’s up.

The guy I’ve been sleeping with is in band and is about to go on tour. He’s not my boyfriend, but I don’t want him to sleep with other people while he’s away. What’s the best way to tell him?
There’s really no cool way to do it. You just have to go straight ahead and say, “I really like hanging out with you. I’m not looking for anything crazy serious, but I am interested in only seeing you for a while.” Something like that. It’s hot, and it’s truthful. Then you’ll get either the response, “Hey babe, I can’t promise anything. The road’s a crazy place,” or you’ll get, “Yeah, I feel the same way, let’s give it a shot.” But that’s the only way to figure out that situation. There are no laws in that situation, and you have to create an understanding, so communicate it straight-up.

I’ve been having a lot of one-night stands. How often do I have to change my sheets in between each girl?
It depends on the frequency of one-night stands. There are variables, like whether or not it’s literally every night. And sometimes you have sex on top of the bed, or a non-bed location altogether. If you’re really into the one-night stand thing, then you could consider rotating the places that you have sex. If you’re doing it on a bed with the sheets exposed every time, then, in a perfect world, you’d wash the sheets every time. It’s a respectful thing for the next person, and also for yourself. It says, “I care about this situation.”

What’s a dealbreaker for you on a first date?
Being crazy-intense without a connection, or without a reason for the crazy intensity. Also, being rude to a member of the waitstaff.

So do you take into account how much they tip?
In my history of dating, I generally end up paying. And I like doing that, and I usually tip fairly well. Well, on the low end of well, not, like, extra well. But yes, niceness to waitstaff indicates a general awareness of the world around you, and that’s a pretty important to me. Other things, like knowledge or experiences or stories, they don’t come out until you see somebody a few times. But the way they treat waiters tells you tons in a very short amount of time.

My girlfriend just dumped me and moved out of the apartment. That’s fine, but now the bookshelves are empty and the walls are bare. Got any quick interior design tips to help ensure that my visitors don’t think I’m boring?
The important thing is to develop a philosophy of why you’re living a particular way. In fact, you can design a room to be very minimal and get away with it. You could just say something suave like, “I’m going to start over a book collection — one book at a time.” Or, “I’m taking my time finding pieces of art that I really want to hang on my walls.” To create the image you want, you don’t necessarily have to spend a lot of money. You can just expend the resources of your imagination. If someone comes in and says, “Wow, it’s really bare in here,” just say, “Yeah, I’m just really into not having things right now.”