What would you give for one night with Heroes Hottie Hayden Planetarium? Your first born? Your soul? How about $5000? What if I told you Hayden could be all yours, for one night, and all you had to do was go bid on eBay?
Now what if I told you I was sort of lying a little bit?
Okay, so truth obfuscating over, you can bid on Hayden Panatootle’s precious time on eBay, but it’s not at night, it’s not alone, and she won’t be all yours. Sorry!
What you will get is a whale watching tour with Hayden Panatone for you and five of your (asexual) friends. Also, Jeff Pantukhoff, world-renowned whale researcher will be there to fill in all of those pesky details about whales, and distract Hayden’s attention from how witty and charming and single you are.
You’ll also get a VIP dinner at Beso, hosted by Eva Longoria-Parker, photo opportunities with Hayden, and a $1000 American Express Gift Card.
There are a couple of other items available, including the always creepy, “Hey, buy cloths I wore!” auction for Hayden Pentacostal’s wardrobe from a line of Candie’s ads. But let’s be fair… If your five friends “magically” don’t show up, and then Jeff Pantukhoff “magically” gets knocked overboard, who’s to stop Hayden Packmule from falling in love with you? Date the cheerleader, date the world, my grandfather always said*.
Scroll all the way to the bottom for linkage to the VIP auction, which is, totally hilariously, marked with “Free Shipping.” Thanks eBay, because I really needed that whale watching tour sent to my apartment.
[eBay]
*Not true.