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The Modern Materialist

Test Drive: Privacy Mouse

Posted by Steph Auteri

 

Way back in the beginning of time (March), I did up a post on the USB Smart Privacy Mouse, available from USB Fever ($19.99). I've since gotten myself a sample, which I plan on raffling off to one of you fine readers.

But first, a quick test drive, so you know what you're getting into.

Back in March, I touted the privacy mouse's abilities to aid you in outwitting your boss, as it allows you to assign "hide" and "appear" designations to your open applications.

First step: Install the driver, which takes all of five seconds with the accompanying CD. After that, you can plug the mouse in to the closest USB port, at which point the Quick Button icon will pop up in your toolbar. After double clicking it, the following dashboard will pop up:

 

These are the applications I had open on my computer. After giggling at Fleshbot's tagline, I set about personalizing my settings.

At this point, I returned to Fleshbot, where I sometimes like to look for new, free porn, often available over at RedTube. (Don't judge people! I used to write adult content!)

 

I scrolled down through the posts, confident in the knowledge that, if my husband were to suddenly arrive home from work, all I would have to do is hit the mouse's side button with my thumb, and he would never ever know that his darling wife sometimes looks at free Internet porn.

I read about nude calendars, erotic photographers, and Buck Angel. I read about Catwoman porn, porn organization, and the world's hottest weather girl. After awhile, I heard a key in the lock, and I rushed to finish reading a post on sex blogs.

The door in the other room opened. "Hi honey!" I heard him shout, as he dropped his keys on the kitchen table. I scanned my screen: "...roundup of some of the hottest moments from the sex blog scene..." I heard him sweet-talking the cats. I scanned my screen: "Walking pantyless near the ocean? Better not try that in the winter!" I heard him walking toward me.

::click!::

He leaned over to kiss me hello. "Were you productive today, bunnykins?" he asked me (don't ask, punks). "I got a lot done," I replied. "What are you working on now?" he asked, glancing at the screen. "This is just another review collation for that publisher," I replied. "Good," he said in that way I hate, because I know he's just checking up on me to make sure I didn't watch Project Runway repeats all day.

He headed off toward the bedroom, to change out of his work clothes. I moved to shut down Fleshbot for the day, though it didn't matter either way. When you click to hide a certain application, it doesn't even show up in your toolbar!

In the end, I thought it was a pretty nifty gadget to have, though — more than anything else —  I was excited about the fact that the glowing scroll button turned from blue to purple whenever you moved it:

Are you sold? If you'd like to win the one free privacy mouse I have available, let me know, in the comments, what you've got to hide. 

Related: Outwit Your Witless Boss


+ DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT

Comments

Alex said:

Seeing as I'd love to win the privacy mouse, it looks like it's time to fess up as to what I've got to hide.

Aside from the obvious pornographic materials, I frequently shop for presents for my family members online, and too many times I've had my sister or parents walk in the room and comment with "Oh hey! I always wanted that" in response to seeing their desirable on the browser screen.

Also, being a college student, I have to sit through many-a lecture-hall course. I rather enjoy browsing Hooksexup and other blog-esque sites instead of listening to the professor drone on about Interpersonal Communications or Economic Policy. Being able to hide my windows when the professor comes strolling up the aisle would be wonderful.

July 25, 2008 3:12 PM

Jenn said:

Does it come with a built in excuse for your boss as to why you bought yourself a new mouse?

July 26, 2008 2:45 PM

Alex said:

I suppose one could always tell the boss that the mouse is designed for maximum comfort on the hand that uses the mouse. Or if you don't feel like lying, you could always point out that the scroll wheel changes colors, and that you thought it would bring some atmosphere to the office.

July 27, 2008 2:44 AM

eurrapanzy said:

sadly, i don't have anything to hide, at the moment, except maybe potentially nsfw modern materialist and scanner posts.  but the hide key could be used as a shortcut key to get to key programs, like winamp or thunderbird without navigating the programs list.

July 27, 2008 9:54 AM

About Steph Auteri

Steph Auteri is a freelance writer and proofreader who has been published in Publishers Weekly, New York Press, Playgirl, and other bastions of fine writing. She maintains a professional site -- stephiswrite.com -- and also blogs about freelancing over at Freelancedom.com. You can keep up on her day-to-day by visiting her Twitter page, https://twitter.com/stephauteri.

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Alex Zalben is a writer living in New York City. He's written for McSweeney's, Modern Humorist and PulpSecret.com. As one-fifth of the sketch comedy group Elephant Larry, he has been written up in the New York Times, Chicago Tribune, and pretty much every other major publication. Their blog was named one of PC Magazine's Top Blogs for 2007, and they recently won an ECNY Award for their viral short, "Minesweeper: The Movie." Alex did not know love until he bought his first Mac.

Steph Auteri is a freelance writer and proofreader who has been published in Publishers Weekly, New York Press, Playgirl, and other bastions of fine writing. She maintains a professional site https://www.stephiswrite.com, and also blogs about freelancing over at Freelancedom. You can keep up on her day-to-day by visiting her Twitter page.

Diana Vilibert is a freelance writer, among other things. Born in Lithuania, she now lives in New Jersey, where she doesn't have to walk to work ten miles in the snow, barefoot, uphill both ways. Diana cannot afford most of the products she writes about because she buys too many pairs of heels to make up for her shoeless childhood. She's written for MarieClaire.com, Janemag.com, and CosmoGIRL!.

Shaun Seneviratne is a dude just like anyone else. Just your average guy that raps Bone Thugs-n-Harmony to strangers on the subway at 4 a.m., doesn't chew his food because he believes it's a waste of time, and sleeps next to a scale replica of the Ghostbusters headquarters. He can rest easy knowing Egon, Peter, Ray, and Winston have his back. He currently lives in northern New Jersey, plays bass in Rapid Cities, and recently started a tumblr.

Laureen Mahler is a writer and editor who lives in California, where the sun never sets and everyone rollerskates to work. She coedits Beeswax Magazine and spends the remainder of her time as a freelance writer and letterpresser. She truly believes that someday she will master the ultimate multitask of blogging while letterpressing, though that might mean that she'll need a second pair of arms.

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