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The Modern Materialist

Merit Badges for Adults

Posted by Laureen Mahler

[$8, Artezn]

Way back when, I had a brief, ill-fated stint in Girl Scouts that can be summed up with a few highlights: I was sent home from a troop meeting for making construction paper boobs during craft time, I accidentally set fire to our troop leader's sleeping bag at camp, and I managed to never earn one single merit badge. Damn those green-clad wenches!

But guess what? Now I can earn my own adult merit badges, for things that actually matter in real life:    

[$25, goodEGG]

Gave up caffeine? Jumped on the wagon? No matter what your vacated vice, the Quitting Cold Turkey badge is the perfect reward. Good job, you!

[$8, Artezn]

Did you exercise superior foresight and bike instead of drive to the bar recently? Nevermind the hedge that you pulverized, or the sprained ankle that you managed to get when you forgot that sidewalks have curbs. You deserve a prize for your premeditated responsibility!

  

[$25, NaNoWriMo]

This set of 10 merit badges includes patches for such mature accomplishments as Socializing, Procrastination, Caffeine Abuse (an excellent precursor to the afore-mentioned Quitting Cold Turkey badge), and The Eureka Moment. 

 

[$12, PodPost]

Mail a letter recently? How adult of you! Show off your not-yet-lost interpersonal skills with this handy badge set. And it comes in a sequential set of three, so if you can't find any postage, you can still feel somewhat successful.

Related: Another Excuse to Regress, Be Rewarded for Your Time


+ DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT

Comments

Mary said:

These are great!  Thanks for sharing.

February 11, 2009 11:52 PM

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about the blogger

Alex Zalben is a writer living in New York City. He's written for McSweeney's, Modern Humorist and PulpSecret.com. As one-fifth of the sketch comedy group Elephant Larry, he has been written up in the New York Times, Chicago Tribune, and pretty much every other major publication. Their blog was named one of PC Magazine's Top Blogs for 2007, and they recently won an ECNY Award for their viral short, "Minesweeper: The Movie." Alex did not know love until he bought his first Mac.

Steph Auteri is a freelance writer and proofreader who has been published in Publishers Weekly, New York Press, Playgirl, and other bastions of fine writing. She maintains a professional site https://www.stephiswrite.com, and also blogs about freelancing over at Freelancedom. You can keep up on her day-to-day by visiting her Twitter page.

Diana Vilibert is a freelance writer, among other things. Born in Lithuania, she now lives in New Jersey, where she doesn't have to walk to work ten miles in the snow, barefoot, uphill both ways. Diana cannot afford most of the products she writes about because she buys too many pairs of heels to make up for her shoeless childhood. She's written for MarieClaire.com, Janemag.com, and CosmoGIRL!.

Shaun Seneviratne is a dude just like anyone else. Just your average guy that raps Bone Thugs-n-Harmony to strangers on the subway at 4 a.m., doesn't chew his food because he believes it's a waste of time, and sleeps next to a scale replica of the Ghostbusters headquarters. He can rest easy knowing Egon, Peter, Ray, and Winston have his back. He currently lives in northern New Jersey, plays bass in Rapid Cities, and recently started a tumblr.

Laureen Mahler is a writer and editor who lives in California, where the sun never sets and everyone rollerskates to work. She coedits Beeswax Magazine and spends the remainder of her time as a freelance writer and letterpresser. She truly believes that someday she will master the ultimate multitask of blogging while letterpressing, though that might mean that she'll need a second pair of arms.

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