At the risk of turning into Cosmo for the day, we're going to set the record straight about some things, since all of them are getting out of hand.
5) We are freaked out if you want to cook us dinner... on the second date. Back when Washington was copping his first feel under the cherry tree (ah, young love), it was not frowned upon for a woman being courted for marriage to prepare a meal for her chaperoned suitor. This trend, it seems, peaked most especially in the 1950s, arguably one of America's most conservative eras. So why is it that women these days are afraid of cooking so early on in a "courtship?" The country has grown ever more progressive, yet small tokens of affection have increasingly been put off to a more secure point in the relationship. If you find yourself dating a guy who might balk at a minuscule hint at romance on the second date, get out now.
4) Wanting to have a serious conversation in bed, especially after sex, is acceptable. We know it's been a long day, you worked late, and this our first chance to talk. Too bad-- wait till the next opportunity to bring up your unintended pregnancy, marriage plans (for me!), and anything else with the exception of STD's. Yes, after sex is a great time to bring those up... or, you know... before, whichever's more convenient for you.
3) Men love breast implants. And we can tell, ladies, because your boobs don't move-- and part of the appeal of boobs is that they can move. But more importantly than that, it's a real turnoff to learn a) you're seriously lacking self-confidence and b) you think you'll attract more/better mates with those things. You won't. Which kind of guys do you think are more likely to appreciate fake tits? Confident, successful, "keepers" or keg-standing douches? (Remember, kids: organic beats processed any day.)
2) The thinner, the better. Ladies, skinny or otherwise, it's not a biggie (really), but when we start to pay more attention to your ribcage and vertebrae than your hypnotic eyes and sensational personality, we will force a waffle cone of rocky road ice cream on you. You'll thank us for it when you realize how much healthier it is to avoid looking as grossly thin as Paris Hilton.
1) Men give a rat's bunghole what shoes you're wearing. Certainly not unless they are gnarly flip-flops exposing even gnarlier toes or a pair of hot high heels. If you asked us what our girlfriend's shoe closet looks like, we will look at you like you are a martian or, worse, a Ron Paul supporter.
Feel free to add numbers six and up in the comments...