Who is Owen Dias and why doesn't he want people to have sex?
Five days a week since 1986, Dias has parked himself on that fire hydrant (see above) with his trusty sign and taunts of "No sex!" and "No sloppy seconds!" (Not even Scanner's Sloppy Seconds, Owen?)
Owen and his sign define unlawful sex as anything other than a “virgin man and a virgin women” in marriage (read: he or she who has masturbated or looked upon another in lust is no longer a virgin). If you’ve had any other type of nooky, he says the only way you can get right with the Lord is to stop having sex for the rest of your days.
Best of all, Dias is certainly an expert on the evils and perils of sex because... wait, he's a 71-Year-Old Virgin?!
“I’ve never had sex in my whole life,” the 71-year-old boasts in his round, rolling accent that sounds vaguely like he’s from the Louisiana bayou. “Never masturbated in my whole life either. Since I came out of my mother’s womb.”
Ewww... we never want to read "masturbated" and "my mother's womb" in the same sentence again.
A chunky teenage kid with braces snapped a photo. “It’s hilarious,” the kid said, “and true.” Dias was obviously pleased: “A young kid that thinks it’s also true.” Of course, the kid also announced he was from Maryland.
We all know what that kid will be doing in two or three years, especially since he's from Maryland...
Via SFWeekly.
Related: Sloppy Seconds: Could We Possibly Love Steve Carell More?