They're literally calling him, in reputable print publications, "The Butt Bandit."
The unknown ass goblin has been terrorizing the town of Valentine (oh, man, this one's just writing itself) with all sorts of bizarre (and perverted?) attacks on local shops and residents.
Beginning more than a year ago, some man has been skipping from one business to another at night, pressing his naked behind - sometimes his groin, sometimes both - on windows. Store owners, church workers and school janitors have had to wash lotion and petroleum jelly off the windows he selects.
Ugh-- what is he doing with this lotion and petroleum jelly? Yes, he probably put it on himself so that he could leave an imprint on the glass... but why those two particular products? Oh. Wait, we already know the answer... and we really didn't want to know. We're all for public nudity, streaking, and being in touch with one's natural form. But we don't have to stand for somebody rubbing themselves all over the place, particularly if they've just had sex or jerked off. YUCK.
Valentine, in remote north-central Nebraska, promotes itself as "The Heart City." Downtown sidewalks are painted with hearts, and locals encourage people from around the country to send their Valentine's Day cards to the local post office so they can be mailed out with the word "Valentine" stamped on them.
"This is not normal behavior for Valentine," Cherry County Attorney Eric Scott said. "It's not funny or something people want to be exposed to."
Actually, it's rather amusing when you think about it in the context of the town's name, but maybe not... after all, we're not the ones who have to deal with it.
Via Otago Daily Times. Photo via this link.
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