Our new friend Andy, who before offered us a male perspective on female birth control, now wants to know if Facebook has helped your sex life. We also think he might be trying to pick you up.
The past two weekends I've been out until sunrise, doing research. And the most awkward part is the ensuing period of reflection, phone tag and moderate self-doubt, wondering whether to call or text, how to best express my desire to have a great sexual experience, with no strings, in a consequence-free environment (something I can only imagine a lot of women are looking for as well...right Emily? [Ed note: AMEN!]). And it's tiring to spend my Sunday evenings playing phone tag with five or six women, picking up only to be inundated with stories about "crazy artist friends" and "adorable puppies" and "(insert crap I need to listen to when I mistakenly play grabass with a financial analyst)."
Enter Facebook. No women wants to be the one to have to pursue; a double standard perhaps, but with all the double standards men have inflicted on you for thousands of years, it's only fair. That said, with a Facebook page, it's really not much of a pursuit. Women and men on that site spend a fair amount of time staring at the pages of complete strangers, secret crushes, friends of friends, etc...my thoughts are, why not direct that crush to someone you already know smells good and tips well? The way I see it, this site can be like match.com in reverse; you get an idea of physical and conversational acumen, and if you want more, you go to their page and read about hopes and dreams, and that stupid shit. Or if you're me, you go straight into photos to find the bikini shot from that wild weekend you spent in Peurto Rico (if you didn't want me finding it, you wouldn't have posted it...sinner...).
Last weekend, as an experiment, I went out with my phone turned off, told a woman it was dead, and instead gave her my last name to look up on Facebook. From there its easy—she has a chance to engage in sober reflection on the evening, whilst ostensibly perusing my profile in search of my "shirtless dancing on the table at the beer garden after getting dumped by my girlfriend" photo. I, in turn, accept her friend request, and get to see her "that one time I did coke in Panama and spent three days surfing with some Australian named Chet" photo. So we even have something to talk about.
If you've got stories of Facebook working for you, I want to hear them. If you don't, you should go out and make some. And if you find yourself in Greenpoint, Brooklyn at 4:30 am on a weeknight, dancing on a table with some dude in a gorilla suit, well, you will most likely find your way into my next piece...
–Andy
Andy lives in Brooklyn, where he spends the majority of his time conversing with strangers about subjects that make them uncomfortable. He's in a band called Field Theory and works as a baker.
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