Thanks to the valiant work of Scanner readers and pretty much the entire rest of the internet, "Mister Splashy Pants" was the hands down winner of Greenpeace's contest to name a humpback whale. Pat yourself on the back, everyone, for a job well done. We can rest easy now, knowing that our whales are safe from boring-ass names like "Humphrey" and "Manami."
To everyone who voted for Mister Splashy Pants, now that you've named him, it's time to save him - he might have a great name but he and his friends are still in danger. The only way to be 100 percent sure that 'Splashy' doesn't get harpooned is to stop killing all whales in the Southern Ocean Whale Sanctuary.
Woah, harpooned? Jesus Christ, Greenpeace, if we'd known that those were the stakes we'd have named him "Mister Armored Blowhole" or something!