Dear Ashley,
I know you don't know me, but I'm hoping that you'll take a few minutes out of your busy new schedule to hear what I have to say—you know, a sister-to-sister kind of thing. Hell, I already feel like I've known you for years. And we actually have a lot in common. For example, you're an aspiring hip-hop star. I too, know what it's like to want to be a hip-hop star; I can still do the entire rap from TLC's "Waterfalls." Quite well, I might add. Also, we've both been broke and down and out in the past. You slept a with politician for money and I've joked loudly about it at the bar, drinking on my last dollars, just quite drunk enough to think that maybe if someone heard me and offered I might maybe except probably not because I'm not that kind of girl but maybe I could be if I were drunk and desperate enough but probably not?
Anyway, listen. I know Joe Francis offered you ONE MILLION DOLLARS to show the world your boobies and tell your story to Girls Gone Wild "the magazine," but, sister, he is exactly the kind of guy you want to stay away from. Plus, I have other plans for you.
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