Still haven't gotten enough news on the Emmys today? Well then mister-slash-missus, you're in luck. We've just received a report from our own intrepid correspondent, embedded deep in the confines of her apartment, where she watched the carnage unfold live on TV. We take you now to Salon Sarah Hepola, who not so long ago was our own Scanner Sarah, and who will undoubtedly be seeking therapy to work through the trauma of last night. (We just hope she doesn't go to this guy; he's got problems of his own.)
In a year when "The Wire" ended its five-season blitzkrieg not with a whimper but a bang, in a year when even my sixtysomething parents knew about "Gossip Girl," in a year when "The Shield" found its groove again, when sci-fi geeks continued to evangelize on behalf of "Battlestar Galactica," it's bracing to look at the 2008 Emmys nominees for Best Dramatic Series.
Because no category captures the squareness, the frustating unfairness of mainstream awards shows like this collection of six nominees. First we have "Boston Legal," the pointless legal comedy where underappreciated character actors go to win awards. Next is "Dexter," a gimmicky torture porno dressed up as wry art. Third is "Damages," where the only meal Glenn Close is having is the scenery. Fourth is "House" -- perhaps the worst of the lot -- a maddeningly improbable operation room-mystery that is little but an excuse to watch Hugh Laurie pull off an outstanding American accent. Of course, there is "Lost." If you saw it last season, congratulations: You officially have more stamina than I do. This category is bullshit, my friends. The only show that deserves its spot in the sunshine is "Mad Men." In fact, it deserves to win, even if it were nominated against the shows I mentioned in the first paragraph, because dammit, it's just that good. The only pale comfort in this category is the fact that "Grey's Anatomy" is not nominated. I assume Katherine Heigl withdrew the nomination. Good for her.
A bit less depressing is the nominees for Best Comedy: "30 Rock" (17 nominations! High five!), "Curb Your Enthusiasm," "The Office," "Entourage" and, of course … "Two and a Half Men"? (Seriously? In the year when "Flight of the Conchords" debuted???) Well, four out of five ain't bad.
Some people hate the Emmys. I understand that. It's stuffy and middlebrow. It's a joke. The truth is, I'm not a huge fan of the Emmys -- not in the way that I'm a fan of the Oscars, or even the Tonys. No, I merely watch all awards shows -- it's like an OCD complex, in which you simply must lick a lightbulb, only in my case, the lightbulb is watching 3-hour black-tie wankfests. So I sat down at 6pm with a trusty bottle of wine and my laptop and my buddy Thomas. This is what I saw:
6-8pm: Ryan Seacrest and that lady who's married to the guy from The Apprentice host E!'s red-carpet show. I don't actually hate Ryan Seacrest. Does that make me a bad person?
There's little to report here -- Emmy fashion! Mariska Hargitay is smashing! Many older women in Hollywood look mannish, and I feel bad about observing this! -- but I shall share this clever exchange between Seacrest and that brilliant minx, Tina Fey:
Ryan Seacrest: Thanks for making us laugh. We need it.
Tina Fey: Thank you for not mentioning Sarah Palin
Ryan Seacrest: I was told not to, actually. … But I wanted to ask, would you have a drink with Sarah Palin?
Tina Fey: If she's free in mid-November, then sure. [mouths to the screen something like] I hope she's free.
END SCENE!
8pm. So the 60th celebration of the Emmys is hosted by five reality show hosts: Ryan Seacrest (American Idol), Howie Mandell (Deal or No Deal), Jeff Probst (Survivor), Tom Bergeron (Dancing with the Stars), Heidi Klum (Project Runway). I can only imagine the 100 actual celebrities who must have turned them down to reach this bottom-scraping point: Ellen, Whoopi, Stewart, Colbert, Gervais. I bet even Rosie got a call. I assume that, in the 11th hour, some desperate intern finally pointed out that reality television gets killer ratings, and therefore would be a charming draw for middle America. But asking these guys to host the Emmys is kind of like asking a cow to show you around the slaughterhouse.
8:10pm. Following the most awkward and brain-dead intro I have seen in some time, I honestly wondered if the writers' strike was still in effect.
8:15pm. We continue to feed Jeremy Piven's insatiable ego by awarding him yet another Emmy, which he will use to buy drugs and prostitutes later tonight. Jeremy Piven makes a cutting joke about the intro, and reminds me that even though I never get tired of telling hooker-and-blow jokes about Jeremy Piven, I still would totally sleep with him.
8:19pm: Gosh, Jean Smart is in a show! She wins an Emmy for best supporting actress! It's a show called Samantha Who? I cannot explain any of this.
8:27pm. A tribute to Desperate Housewives., a show that's finally earned its title -- the only people watching it really ARE desperate housewives.
8:35. Ricky Gervais + Steve Carrell + Jon Stewart + Stephen Colbert = a sandwich I want to be inside.
8:47pm: For whatever reason, some very smart person decided to let the nominees for best comedy writing create their own bumpers (is that what they're called?) to introduce the nominees. "The Daily Show" writers use pictures from crazy conventioneer freaks. Letterman has Dr. Phil read the nominees. One group (Conan?) has every writer's Mii avatar from Nintendo's Wii Sports. This is the funniest part of the show.
"The Colbert Report" wins.
8:50pm. Howie Mandell is talking again. Do you remember in the 80s when he did that schtick with the blown-up glove on his head? All right, well, I do, and this memory burns my skin.
My buddy Thomas is sitting beside me on the couch. "Do you think he dies that?" he asks.
"The soul patch?" I ask.
"Yes," he says.
"Yes, I do. And I'm going to live blog that."
8:51pm. Steve Martin gives an award. It's like they knew the shows was going to suck, so they just paid every funny person in America a million dollars to appear for five minutes. Martin quips: "As a kid I used to come home from school and get all dressed up and play 60th anniversary Emmy Awards show." (Love Steve Martin. Love.)
Question for the audience: Is Steve Martin getting work done, or does Steve Martin have veins pumped full of formaldehyde? Are these different things? I mean, that man has looked the same for 20 years.
8:55pm. The presenters and winners have obviously been told to stay off politics tonight, but Tommy Smothers (of all people), winning some kind of lifetime thingy-dingy, gets all indignant for a moment and talks about "watching ignorance in action." Truth, he says, " is what you get other people to believe." (Like that you need a lifetime Emmy.)
9:02pm. Josh Groban sings the television theme songs of yore. OMG, so many things to say here. First of all, name one current TV theme song you can sing. Did you just think of "The Hills"? Sorry, that's a Natasha Bedingfield song. "The Wire"? Tom Waits. No, classic theme songs -- a la "Gilligan's Island," a la "Friends," a la "Facts of Life," etc. etc. -- no longer exist. Why would you commission a tribute to remind people of this fact?
That said, Josh Groban is absolutely terrific during this montage. It's like the greatest karaoke performance ever.
9:07pm. I love you, Laura Linney. I love you, Catherine Keeneer. But I don't give a good goddamn about this miniseries category. (Laura Linney wins).
9:16pm. There is a tribute to "Laugh-In." If I were 50, this could be hilarious. (But I doubt it.)
"The Daily Show" wins for best comedy show. You know, Jon Stewart might be the only celebrity that, like, if I met him? I would just run away. My fantasies about him run too deep. He is threaded through my soul. The fact that I just wrote that last sentence proves that this wine works.
9:20pm. David Boreanaz presents an award. Why him? Why now? Do they know something I don't know? Anyway, Tina Fey wins the award for best comedy writing.
"Tina Fey is a beautiful woman who is very uncomfortable in her own skin," I tell Thomas.
"Yes," he says. "It's very appealing about her."
9:30pm. A tribute to The West Wing.Gah, this is like a funeral! By the way, have you read Aaron Sorkin's imagined meeting between Obama and Martin Sheen president person in the New York Times? It's the best Maureen Dowd column in ages.
9:38pm. Best teaser ever: "Coming up next… Don Rickles!"
9.45pm. Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart present an award to "Recount" for best miniseries. Sexual fantasies, Jon Stewart, blah blah blah. I know. I'm a fucking cliché.
9:49pm. HBO's John Adams keeps winning awards. I keep not caring!.
9:54pm. Tribute to M*A*S*H. How about a tribute to The Wire, the greatest drama in television history, you lazy fucks? Aggggh, I hate someone … but I'm not sure exactly who.
9:56pm. Don Rickles in the house!!! Kathy Griffin in the house!!! This makes up for the intro. Why the hell didn't Kathy Griffin host this show? Because people, she would have said YES.
10:08pm. Neil Patrick Harris makes crack about Howie Mandell. Have I told you that I heart Neil Patrick Harris? Don Rickles wins an award for some show called Mr. Warmth. Don't know, don't care. All I know is: RICKLES!!!!
10:16pm. So all the best shows on TV get crammed into the best writing in a drama category: The Wire and Battlestar Gallactica and Mad Men. This blows. It's like a brutal cage match between great champions in a fight no one is watching. I hate something. (But what is it??) Anyway, Mad Men wins. This is as it should be.
10:24pm. Paul Giammatti wins for best actor in a miniseries, has a great line: "Anybody can play the president!"
10:25pm. First Emmy win for Alec Baldwin!!!! Alec Baldwin should have hosted the Emmys! God, this man is funny. Is he funnier than Jon Stewart? I DON'T KNOW. This question will tie me up for days.
10:29pm. In memoriam clip reel. And no, Heath Ledger never did television.
10:38pm. There has been an upset! Hugh Laurie did NOT win best actor in a drama, it goes to the dad from Malcolm in the Middle, Bryan Cranston, who plays the meth dealer dad in Breaking Bad. If I had ever seen that show, I bet I would feel really gratified right now.
10:40pm. Tina Fey wins best actress in a comedy series! Yea! There is justice in the world! Great quote from La Fey: "I thank my parents for somehow raising me to have confidence that is disproportionate with my looks and abilities. Well done. That is what all parents should do."
Meanwhile, Lorne Michaels is looking more and more like Marlon Brando's Godfather.
10:55pm. 30 Rock wins for best comedy! Maybe one day people will actually watch this show!!
10:56pm. You know all the stars are out when Tom Selleck gives your last award. So, OK: Mad Men wins for best drama, as it should have. The wine is cashed, as it should be. All is right in the world. Now, on to my next obsession: Watching David Blaine hang upside down.
See you at the Oscars!