If it weren't for this darn VP debate, we'd probably be enjoying the CSI season premiere tonight. Normally, we couldn't be chuffed, considering that thanks to Spike TV, we are basically ensured of seeing every single episode of the show at some point before we die, so why worry about it now. But from what we can tell, Gary Dourdan has indeed been brought back for at least one more episode, after being unceremoniously let go last year thanks to his epic drug bust -- and frankly, we are fascinated by TV shows killing off maincharacters, so we're dying to know how this one goes down.
But all that will be resolved next week. In the meantime, to hold us and all y'all CSI fans out there over for the next seven days, we are treating everyone to another in our ongoing series of Imaginary Fights, lovingly researched and crafted by Jake Kalish, author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights. Our experiment this week: what would happen if the Vegas Crime Lab -- and Miami, and New York -- had to deal with America's favorite serial killer, Dexter Morgan.
DEXTER
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EVERYONE FROM C.S.I.
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Allies: Hottie half-sister/cop Debra; dead father; severe sociopathy
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Allies: 2 billion viewers worldwide in 20 countries; The Who |
| Necessary Falsehood: Serial killers are neither heroic nor cool |
Necessary Falsehood: Forensics experts are neither heroic nor cool |
| Tools of his trade: Big-ass knife, plastic wrap, duct tape (it really is good for everything!) |
Tools of their trade: Evidence baggies, fingerprint kits, quick-release sunglasses |
THE FIGHT
After Dexter stabs, drains, and field-dresses yet another evildoer (you can't recycle take out containers!), he stupidly leaves 1/8th of a speck of an angstrom of his DNA behind, and William Petersen immediately identifies him as the killer. But once Dex easily takes down Petersen and the rest of the CSI: Crime Scene Investigation crew, the cast of CSI: NY, CSI: Miami, CSI: WNBA, CSI: NIMBY and CSI: NAMBLA are called in as reinforcements. Dexter slashes through Lieutenant Dan and Morpheus, and starts working through all of the casts, but after knifing his way down to Louise Lombard, Brendan Fehr, and the guy from Veronica's Closet, he has to rest his knifing arm, and is apprehended by the dude from NCIS, which has now merged with CSI and the INS to become CSI: NCIS: INS.
WINNER: EVERYBODY FROM C.S.I.
JAKE KALISH is a freelance journalist and humorist whose work has appeared in Details, Maxim, Stuff, New York Press, Blender, Men’s Fitness, and Playboy, among other publications. He could totally kick your ass.
Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights is published by Three Rivers Press
PREVIOUSLY:
Imaginary TV Fights: Old "90210" vs. New "90210"
Imaginary TV Fights: Shatner vs. Shatner vs. Shatner