Here's the thing we've noticed about the new 90210 reboot: more people are paying attention to all the press about Shannen Doherty, Jennie Garth, and Tori Spelling -- whether they're coming back, if they're staying -- than to what's actually happening on the show. Should it really matter if Luke Perry won't come back when they've got all those other hunks on the new show. Well, maybe it does. Maybe it sounds to us like what people are really saying is they just want to know which series is better. Which one would win in a fight. ASKED AND ANSWERED, PEOPLE!
Behold, the latest in our ongoing series of Imaginary TV Fights, brought to you by famed cryptopopculturalist and occasional Netflix junkie Jake Kalish, author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights. Today's question: who would win in the Battle of Beverly Hills, Old 90210 or New 90210?
NEW 90210
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NEW 90210
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Kelly Taylor and Brenda Walsh: Young and beautiful, with nowhere to go but up
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Kelly Taylor and Brenda Walsh: A high school guidance counselor and music director, respectively |
Unrealistic aspects of the show: By Season 3, Gabrielle Carteris had teenage grandchildren and Luke Perry was struggling with early onset Alzheimer's |
Unrealistic aspects of the show: None, it perfectly reflects the high-school experience. We all looked like models and no one hid bottles of Oxy Cream in their bookbags. |
Secret Weapons: Perry and Priestley's mousse guns |
Secret Weapons: Other cast members carry around Shenae Grimes and Jessica Stroup to use as vomit launchers |
THE FIGHT
Confused by Shannon Doherty's stinkeye, horrified by Brian Austin-Green's hip-hop album, and starving from their dinner of a vitamin water and an alfafa sprout each, the lightheaded teens from the new 90210 cast are beaten by old copies of Teen Beat, lifted by their surgeon-sculpted nostrils and set afire by their Virginia Slims. They are mercifully put to death by Emporer Aaron Spelling, and Ian Ziering dances on their graves.
WINNER: OLD 90210
JAKE KALISH is a freelance journalist and humorist whose work has appeared in Details, Maxim, Stuff, New York Press, Blender, Men’s Fitness, and Playboy, among other publications. He could totally kick your ass.
Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights is published by Three Rivers Press
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Imaginary TV Fights: Shatner vs. Shatner vs. Shatner