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Imaginary TV Fights: Old "90210" vs. New "90210"

Posted by Bryan Christian

 

Here's the thing we've noticed about the new 90210 reboot: more people are paying attention to all the press about Shannen Doherty, Jennie Garth, and Tori Spelling -- whether they're coming back, if they're staying -- than to what's actually happening on the show. Should it really matter if Luke Perry won't come back when they've got all those other hunks on the new show. Well, maybe it does. Maybe it sounds to us like what people are really saying is they just want to know which series is better. Which one would win in a fight. ASKED AND ANSWERED, PEOPLE!

Behold, the latest in our ongoing series of Imaginary TV Fights, brought to you by famed cryptopopculturalist and occasional Netflix junkie Jake Kalish, author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights. Today's question: who would win in the Battle of Beverly Hills, Old 90210 or New 90210?

 

NEW 90210
 NEW 90210
Kelly Taylor and Brenda Walsh: Young and beautiful, with nowhere to go but up
Kelly Taylor and Brenda Walsh: A high school guidance counselor and music director, respectively
Unrealistic aspects of the show: By Season 3, Gabrielle Carteris had teenage grandchildren and Luke Perry was struggling with early onset Alzheimer's Unrealistic aspects of the show: None, it perfectly reflects the high-school experience. We all looked like models and no one hid bottles of Oxy Cream in their bookbags.
Secret Weapons: Perry and Priestley's mousse guns Secret Weapons: Other cast members carry around Shenae Grimes and Jessica Stroup to use as vomit launchers

THE FIGHT

Confused by Shannon Doherty's stinkeye, horrified by Brian Austin-Green's hip-hop album, and starving from their dinner of a vitamin water and an alfafa sprout each, the lightheaded teens from the new 90210 cast are beaten by old copies of Teen Beat, lifted by their surgeon-sculpted nostrils and set afire by their Virginia Slims. They are mercifully put to death by Emporer Aaron Spelling, and Ian Ziering dances on their graves. 



WINNER: OLD 90210

 

JAKE KALISH is a freelance journalist and humorist whose work has appeared in Details, Maxim, Stuff, New York Press, Blender, Men’s ­Fitness, and Playboy, among other publications. He could totally kick your ass.

Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights is published by Three Rivers Press


PREVIOUSLY:
Imaginary TV Fights: Shatner vs. Shatner vs. Shatner


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About Bryan Christian

Bryan Christian has worked as a writer for Epicurious, GenArt and ID magazine; a web producer for WWD and Condé Nast; and a cameraman for his friends. He's married and lives in Clinton Hill, Brooklyn.

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Lindy Parker has worked as a ghostwriter, editor, dance instructor and a purveyor of dreams, one beer at a time. She loves Charles Dickens and Gabriel Garcia Marquez and also, straight-to-video releases with Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. It's possible she reads more teen fiction than she should. She hails from Los Angeles, her hometown and soul mate, but she lives in Brooklyn, the fling she'll never forget.

Olivia Purnell left Ohio for sunny Los Angeles; then found that she couldn’t ignore New York City’s call, and brought herself to Brooklyn where she has worked with GenArt, BlackBook, the School of American Ballet, and finished an M.A. in Creative Writing from N.Y.U. She loves one-liners with sting and hates the stench of the subway in the summer. That said, she can’t get enough of either.

Jake Kalish is a freelance journalist and humorist whose work has appeared in Details, Maxim, Stuff, New York Press, Spin, Blender, Men's Fitness, Poets and Writers, and Playboy, among other publications. He is also the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights.

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Ben Kallen is an entertainment, health and humor writer who's been lectured to by Sidney Poitier, argued with by Lea Thompson and smiled at by Jennifer Connelly. He's the coauthor of The No S Diet and author of The Year in Weird, along with hundreds of magazine articles. He lives near the beach in Los Angeles, just like the gang from Three's Company.

Nicole Ankowski has lived in Ohio, Oakland, and on the high plains of South Dakota, but is now proud to call Brooklyn home. She wrote for alternative weekly papers in the first two states, and tried to learn Lakota in the last. (The vowels can be tricky.) She just earned her MFA in Creative Writing and has been published in Beeswax literary journal. She is unable to resist good writing or bad TV.

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