The Remote Island

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• "Heroes": Make Mommy Proud

  Was this Heroes, or an episode of Growing Pains? There was so much family stuff going on, it totally seemed like Carol Seaver was going to storm off to her room screaming "How come Mike gets to read minds and I don't?" Read More... Posted Oct 28 2008, 12:27 PM by Jake Kalish with | with no comments Filed under: Heroes, Jake Kalish

• Imaginary TV Fights: Duchovny vs. Duchovny

  Showtime has picked up two more seasons of Dexter, and HBO's looking for one more year of Entourage -- but as yet no word yet about Californication being picked up. Two months ago, we'd have thought that would have something to do with the show having trouble recovering from that happy ending the writers had Hank Moody land himself in at the end of Season One. But today, of course, we know that David Duchovny is, like Hank, something of a dog, and we can't help but wonder if the network or viewers aren't having trouble commiting to the show in reaction. We also can't help but wonder what Fox "Spooky" Mulder would think about all this. Sure, he had a thing for porn, but unlike Hank Moody, he was straight-laced, honorable, and loyal. Sure, he's also monomaniacal and obsessive, but would he ever treat Dana Scully the way Hank's been treating his Karen and Becca -- or heck, the way Duchovny's been treating his Missus? Seems unlikely. Seems to us like he'd wind up giving both Hank and Dave the old Federal-1-2, if you know what we mean.  And so, this week, in our continuing series of Imaginary Fights based on the recently unearthed writings of Zorastrian cryptopopculuralist Jake Kalish, author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights, we submit for your approval: a brawl between Fox Mulder and Hank Moody... for the very soul (and possibly the crotch) of Mr. David Duchovny! Read More... Posted Oct 27 2008, 05:24 PM by Bryan Christian with | with no comments Filed under: The X-Files, Californication, David Duchovny, Imaginary Fights, Jake Kalish

• Imaginary TV Fights: Dwight Schrute vs. Gareth Keenan

  Thursday night, everyone. Time again for another episode of the American version of The Office. They're now on episode 69, which is not only a sexy number but also signifies 55 more episodes than the original UK version ever had. A triumph of American know-how over those wimpy Brits? Oh oh, we just cahn't do any more episodes than 14... waah, waah, tally ho, we want our ba-ba! We're not so sure. David Brent's problems never got as soapy as Michael Scott's -- paternity, divorce -- and Tim and Dawn's romance had its ups and downs, but never anything as Ross-and-Rachel-y as Jim and Pam. Maybe there's still an honor to having fewer eps? Well, only one way to figure this one out: a knockdown, dragout fight between the two creepiest and most dangerous guys each show has to offer. And so, we ask our good palJake Kalish, world famous balloon animal husbandrist, noted cryptopopculturalist, and author Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights, to weigh in on the question. For the intercontinental honor of their shows, who would win: Dwight Schrute or Gareth Keenan? Read More... Posted Oct 23 2008, 05:30 PM by Bryan Christian with | with 3 comment(s) Filed under: The Office, Imaginary Fights, Jake Kalish, Dwight Schrute, Gareth Keenan

• "Heroes" Episode 5: You Got Something On Your Shirt

  More blogging about this season of Heroes from Jake Kalish, author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights, and reclining superhero whose secret ability is being able to see images from other times and places... through the magic screen in his secret lair!!! Oh, also, he's invisible; you knew that, right?: Gaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!! Sorry, having trouble composing my thoughts into anything more than primal screams of anger, fear, confusion, and worry. I'm like a lion cub separated from its pride. Who just had to sit through the worst television program ever. I'm serious. You know how I said last episode was a step forward? Well, this episode was Daphne the Speedster high-tailing it backward. Read More... Posted Oct 21 2008, 12:29 PM by Jake Kalish with | with no comments Filed under: Heroes, Jake Kalish

• "Heroes": No Day But Today (Thank Great Caesar's Ghost!)

  Remember last week when we said that the Heroes defection might be upon us? Well, it's definitely still on -- except for here on The Remote Island, where we're starting to get into the third season a little. Here with our weekly recap, Jake Kalish, author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights. Finally. BY FAR, the best episode of the season. And, not coincidentally, the first one without time travel. Read More... Posted Oct 14 2008, 11:30 AM by Jake Kalish with | with no comments Filed under: Heroes, Jake Kalish

• Imaginary TV Fights: Stamos vs. Stamos

  We know, we know: it's Thursday again, and we're all bummed that ER is ending right when John Stamos got there! But when you get right down to it, is it really John Stamos? After filling the medical booties of both George Clooney and Goran Visnjic, is he really the lovable galoot we all knew and loved on Full House, or is he just another close cropped, sensitive swarther? We bet Uncle Jesse, with his brawny musician arms and whiplash smile could totally kick ER guy's ass. Hey... Great idea! So here he is: Jake Kalish, author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights, with the latest in our own series of imaginary fights. This week: Stamos vs. Stamos! Read More... Posted Oct 09 2008, 05:30 PM by Bryan Christian with | with no comments Filed under: Full House, ER, John Stamos, Imaginary Fights, Jake Kalish

• The "Heroes" Defection May Be Upon Us

  We're actually just starting to get into Heroes again, now that they're giving Zachary Quinto something to do, they're ripping off The Fly so hamfistedly that it's practically a Max Fischer production, and, erm, Dania Ramirez. But not everyone's interest has been piqued... Read More... Posted Oct 09 2008, 01:32 PM by Bryan Christian with | with no comments Filed under: Heroes, Jake Kalish, tv critics, Dania Ramirez, bad ratings

• "Heroes": How Not To Put The Nuclear Back In Family

  Lots to get through this week -- no, really, like you have no freaking idea -- so let's get straight to Jake Kalish, author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights, with his notes... The episode opens with Soresh talking into his tape recorder about his “rash”, which has resulted in the secretion of some goo. Hey, buddy, I got one of those too, but you don't see me talking about it. Read More... Posted Oct 07 2008, 01:26 PM by Bryan Christian with | with 2 comment(s) Filed under: Heroes, Imaginary Fights, Jake Kalish

• Imaginary TV Fights: "Dexter" vs. Everybody From "C.S.I."

  If it weren't for this darn VP debate, we'd probably be enjoying the CSI season premiere tonight. Normally, we couldn't be chuffed, considering that thanks to Spike TV, we are basically ensured of seeing every single episode of that show at some point before we die, so why worry about it now. But from what we can tell, Gary Dourdan has indeed been brought back for at least one more episode, after being unceremoniously let go last year thanks to his epic drug bust -- and frankly, we are fascinated by TV shows killing off maincharacters, so we're dying to know how this one goes down. But all that will be resolved next week. In the meantime, to hold us and all y'all CSI fans out there over for the next seven days, we are treating everyone to another in our ongoing series of Imaginary Fights, lovingly researched and crafted by Jake Kalish, author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights. Our experiment this week: what would happen if the Vegas Crime Lab -- and Miami, and New York -- had to deal with America's favorite serial killer, Dexter Morgan. Read More... Posted Oct 02 2008, 05:24 PM by Bryan Christian with | with no comments Filed under: Dexter, CSI, CSI: NY, Imaginary Fights, Jake Kalish, CSI: MIami

• "Heroes": Sylar Joins The Super Fuzz

  "So I says to the guy, I says "Jesus, buddy, I don't care how you got up there, just get outta my face while I'm trying to destroy the world here." Right? Am I right?   Time for another installment of our Heroes recaps with Jake Kalish, author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights. This week: Sylar flirts with being a good guy, Hiro goes to the movies, and Parkman needs some sunscreen. I understand that traditionally, second episodes can be a lot of setup and very little payoff, especially in a plot-heavy series with double digit storylines. But, watching this show, it occurred to me that what they really need is a hero with the superpower of television writing, and quickly. Calling David Simon Man! Read More... Posted Sep 30 2008, 03:34 PM by Bryan Christian with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: Heroes, Imaginary Fights, Jake Kalish

• Imaginary TV Fights: Old "90210" vs. New "90210"

  Here's the thing we've noticed about the new 90210 reboot: more people are paying attention to all the press about Shannen Doherty, Jennie Garth, and Tori Spelling -- whether they're coming back, if they're staying -- than to what's actually happening on the show. Should it really matter if Luke Perry won't come back when they've got all those other hunks on the new show. Well, maybe it does. Maybe it sounds to us like what people are really saying is they just want to know which series is better. Which one would win in a fight. ASKED AND ANSWERED, PEOPLE! Behold, the latest in our ongoing series of Imaginary TV Fights, brought to you by famed cryptopopculturalist and occasional Netflix junkie Jake Kalish, author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights. Today's question: who would win in the Battle of Beverly Hills, Old 90210 or New 90210? Read More... Posted Sep 24 2008, 02:19 PM by Bryan Christian with | with no comments Filed under: 90210, Beverly Hills 90210, Shannen Doherty, Tori Spelling, Imaginary Fights, Jake Kalish

• "Heroes" Season Premiere: We Never Thought We Could Feel So Free

  One of the big questions of this year is "Will Heroes get its powers back?" After a lackluster sophomore season, creator Tim Kring has promised to amp up the show considerably this year, introducing way more about the dark side of Peter, Claire, and the rest (and, one presumes, avoiding all time travel to Boringville). Plus NBC pulled out all the stops promoting the new "Villains" storyline, throwing a gala bash and letting them open with a two-hour movie premiere. But did it work? We've yet again enlisted the aid of imaginary fights expert Jake Kalish to help us figure it out. I turn on my TV at 8:58, to see NBC and the Heroes stars giving an extended countdown to the show's premiere. Anybody want to celebrate themselves? Weakness: An inflated sense of self-importance. You're a TV show, not a New Year. Read More... Posted Sep 23 2008, 02:49 PM by Bryan Christian with | with no comments Filed under: Heroes, Imaginary Fights, Jake Kalish, season premieres

• Imaginary TV Fights: Shatner vs. Shatner vs. Shatner

  Sure, this weekend's Emmys got us all thinking about nice stuff like the rewards of a job well done, the power of television as a communication medium, and Tina Fey cleaned up real purty. But we know what you were really thinking about. You were wondering Jon Hamm couldn't have tackled Bryan Cranston and taken the award for himself. You were wondering why Neil Patrick Harris hasn't challenged Jeremy Piven to a duel. You wanted Kyra Sedgwick and Holly Hunter to shove Glenn Close out of the way and decide this like animals. We did too! Which is why we are now inaugurating a new feature on The Remote Island: Imaginary TV Fights. Fights that we all know could happen -- should happen -- on our televisions, but somehow never will. Maybe we can't get real-life actors to battle it out, but darned if we can't determine which of their characters would reign supreme in a full contact deathmatch. (You can't argue with science!) Our guide through this Alternate History Channel will be Jake Kalish, raconteur and cryptopopculturalist, whose book Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights is helping worldwide to settle the question "Who'd win?" Han Solo or Indiana Jones? Muhammed Ali or Bruce Lee? Voltaire or Voltron? We contacted Kalish in his palatial Aspen estate and asked him to consider the many untapped wells of violence and domincation that exist throughout TV history, and identify a few of the most intriguing ones. Here is the first: the many sides of William Shatner duking it out in a threeway battle of the stars! (Well, "star," anyway.) Read More... Posted Sep 23 2008, 12:25 PM by Bryan Christian with | with no comments Filed under: William Shatner, Boston Legal, Imaginary Fights, Star Trek: The Original Series, T.J. Hooker, Jake Kalish