Morning dawns on the Upper East Side -- Chuck's managed to wrestle Blair from Carter Baizen's lecherous clutches only to find that he's lost her to Nate. Sort of. At least, they haven't officially gotten back together, but they're taking morning walks in which Blair compares Vanessa to Jennifer Aniston. Bizarrely, Blair possesses an uncomfortable number of intimate details about Brad and Angelina's sex life.
Poppy Lipton's back in town, and she may or may not be played by the same actress as before (we find this character oddly forgettable). Poppy's unimpressed by Serena's low-res social vista, and Serena feels shamed by her petty high school existence. She enlists Lily's help to throw Jenny a bad-ass, super sweet sixteen as seen on MTV that will get Serena back in the game. However, this year Jenny's feeling a bit averse to the social scene that turned her into a lying, homeless shoplifter. She convinces Lily to cancel the soirée in favor of family night.
Vanessa's still on the outs with Nate, and Dan's weirdly judge-y about Vanessa bailing on Nate's family reunion, which we find hypocritical given that he was all for it at the time. Chuck cons Vanessa into spying on Nate and Blair's secret morning trysts. We don't have time to be freaked out by this because we're distracted by the fabulousness of V's winter coat, which once again is not in her character's budget. But, whatever. Why can't Chuck and Blair just get back to making out? We're already over this bizarre daliance with Nate.
Dan gets a fan letter about his New Yorker story which dominates his conversations for most of the episode. Rufus doesn't have time to be proud since he's spending most of his time trying to figure out how to pay for Yale. Evidently, Lincolnhawk royalties don't go very far in the Ivy League.
Back at school, the mean girls have jumped on the bandwagon, shaming Serena for her fall into social obscurity. Serena whines to Poppy who talks Serena into throwing the party even harder than before despite Jenny's objections.
We think we sort of missed something with Nate and Vanessa. What actually caused the break up again? She didn't want Nate to work in the mayor's office? Anyway, we're unclear about why Nate's spouting all this stuff about the break up not being about anyone else, and then turning around and having conversations with Blair about their "lovemaking."
Pause for a word from our sponsor in which we're weirdly excited about the Hannah Montana movie -- it's so dramatic when she pulls the Hannah wig off!
Serena's wearing a ridiculously fabulous dress that makes her boobs look awesome. We're jealous, a little. There's some sort of weird joke involving Lily's doorman reading Ann Coulter's book, but we're uninterested. Jenny's wearing false eyelashes to a party she thinks will feature chili and board games.
Jenny's less than thrilled to find all of New York society in the Van Der Woodsen living room, especially since no one seems to know it's her birthday. Jenny retaliates by sending a Gossip Girl blast to invite the great unwashed to the party.
Nate and Blair happen to be standing near each other. Vanessa reacts to this news by making out with Chuck. We're too weirded out for it to be hot -- not unlike our reaction to Beyoncé's infidelity movie. Nate calls Vanessa out on her bullshit and gives her an "against my will is against the law" speech. Blair pulls Nate away from Vanessa, and tries to seduce him in Chuck's bedroom. Nate rejects her. Blair's offended. The whole thing is weird.
The rabble are beating down the doors of the Van Der Woodsen Park Avenue apartment complex. That said, we're getting our first full legnth look at Jenny's outfit -- which is fierce.
Rufus and Lily break up the party and blame Serena for the fallout. Serena tattles on Jenny and flees the scene to fly to Spain with Poppy Lipton. Little J looks abashed which we can't understand given that Serena hijacked her birthday. Lily makes an oddly disdainful comment about crockpots. Jenny tells them all where to get off in a stirring it's-okay-to-be-poor speech.
Blair's nursing her wounds by feeding the ducks in the park. Turns out Nate asked Dorota to bring her so they could have their "first" kiss. What? First of all, they've kissed before -- a lot. Second, is Nate bipolar?
Back at the Van Der Woodsen apartment, Chuck and Vanessa are having a secret tryst of their own. Oh yeah, and Dan's fan letter is from Rufus and Lily's lovechild.
Previously:
OMG, Is Kristen Bell Really Gossip Girl?
Gossip Girl: The Grandaddy of Social Hangovers
Tonight's Gossip Girl SPOILERS: The Grandfather
Gossip Girl: Like Kissing Your Teacher
Gossip Girl: You're On My Heart Just Like a Tattoo