It's hard to go wrong with a school play in a teen drama -- you get all the characters in the same place, dressed in amusing outfits, and inevitably showcase at least one public meltdown onstage in front of everyone. After all, the school play is really the only plot device that's worked on the new 90210, and Joey and Pacey really brought down the house in Barefoot in the Park.
A couple of problems with this episode: First, evidently we've decided to skip forward in time and gloss over the implications of the last episode. Miss Carr is right back teaching at Constance Billiard even though she just celebrated her dismissal by dragging Dan into her pseudo-cougarish lair for a night of socially taboo passion. Also, Serena seems to have forgotten about the "let's get back together" voicemail she left Dan (while he was engaged in the aforementioned passion), and moved on to seducing the hipster-y artist guy that Headmistress Kweller's brought in to direct The Age of Innocence. Do people use the word "blowhard" anymore? Because, it applies to this guy.
Second, can we please bring Chuck back to the real world? We tire of these ridiculous down-the-rabbit-hole chases he's having with Elle, the courtesan. This time, Chuck finds her lunching with Carter Baizen. Yes, Carter Baizen is back, back again, and on the one hand we're like, at least it's not Trachtenberg, but on the other hand who is this guy?
Weirdly, we feel like Carter Baizen bears a striking resemblance to Stephen from Laguna Beach. Elle comes right out and tells Chuck that she's after Carter's money, but somehow Chuck thinks her intentions toward him are nothing but pure. He agrees to buy her a way out of the country, and bizarrely enlists Baizen to get a fake passport. WTF? This guy stole Chuck's childhood baseball, you're telling me he doesn't have another forgery contact he can call? Anyway, it turns out that Carter's actually a member of the creepy, Eyes-Wide-Shut gentleman's club and Chuck unwittingly hands Elle into their clutches. However, nothing comes of it -- seems they only wanted to chat with Elle and give her some cash. Predictably, with her financial needs met, Elle drops Chuck and flounces off to start a new life in Brazil. Really? Don't waste our time, Gossip Girl.
Back at the play, Blair's on the warpath to find out who tattled to Yale about her shady dealings with Miss Carr, got her bounced from the Ivy league and aired all her dirty laundry on Gossip Girl. Blair zeroes in on Dan since he's the only keeper of all the appropriate information, but, Dan's too busy with his own problems to pay much attention. He and Miss Carr are passing flirty notes through Jenny, one of which (together with her house key) is intercepted by Rufus, resulting in the single most mortifying moment of the episode in which Rufus opens the door to Miss Carr's apartment to find her decked out in sexy and lighting candles for a romantic interlude with his teenage son. That said, Rufus's interference only seems to encourage Dan further, and he drags Miss Carr into the prop closet to satisfy his manly urges.
Meanwhile, Vanessa's playing Cyrano (complete with hidden ear pieces) to help Serena win the heart of toolish director Julian, but the whole thing goes awry when Nate suspects Vanessa of cheating. Vanessa tries to explain, but Nate won't listen and decides instead to break character and tell Julian off from the stage at the end of the second act. Jenny lowers the curtain on the awkward silence, and the meleé continues backstage. Julian is revealed as the assclown his really is. Serena tries to put him in his place with: "I can't believe I ever had a crush on you."
Julian: "Serena, I'm gay."
To which we say: No shit.
Vanessa finally gets Nate to listen to the whole Julian-Serena misunderstanding, but Nate's shame over watching too much ESPN keeps him from falling into her waiting arms. Dan puts it together that Miss Carr is the culprit who ousted Blair from Yale, and gave Gossip Girl dirt on Blair and Serena. Dan gives Miss Carr a stirring speech on appropriate "adult" behavior and storms away. Blair happens upon the end of the argument and Dan hits her with the best line of the night: "Rachel's the one who's been messing with you, and we had sex in the costume closet so do whatever you want with that."
All's well that ends well: Vanessa shows up at Nate's apartment to watch ESPN, Miss Carr goes back to Iowa beaten to a pulp by the big, bad city, and Blair swirls her martini straw and contemplates her existence, just as Carter Baizen sits down beside her. Welcome back, Gossip GIrl.
Previously:
Gossip Girl SPOILERS: We've Got 'Em
Does Gossip Girl Need Fixing?
Gossip Girl: You're On My Heart Just Like a Tattoo
Gossip Girl Spinoff: The Cast of Lily is...Cast.