Before we get into the episode, a question: do you think if we wrote all our posts under the name "Blake Lively," people would start to believe these recaps actually were written by the blonde it girl? Apparently, anything's possible, given that Leighton Meester's cyber doppleganger seems to have even The Observer fooled. Anyway, on to the task at hand...
Nate's mind is consumed with his summer plans (travelling and romance with Vanessa), but his waspy cousin is giving him the hard sell about attending the family reunion. For reasons best known to themselves, Dan and Vanessa get on the band wagon and convince Nate to go and take them along for the ride.
Meanwhile, watching courtesan Elle disappear into the sunset seems to be all the encouragement Chuck needed to go running back to Blair. However, Lady B is getting her jollies elsewhere these days. We can't say we blame her there, but really, Carter Baizen? This guy is like Brandon Davis, but more bland and without the slightly cross-eyed expression. Chuck enlists Serena's help to save Blair from a fate worse than poverty. Serena blackmails Carter with some cryptic story about Greece and a police interrogation.
At the Vanderbilt family reunion, our hearts are warmed by the sight of Dan running around all rough and tumble with Nate. Vanessa's totally with us on this, until Nate's cousin's fiancé makes her wise to the family plans for Nate's politically future. You know how Vanessa hates a conformist.
Blair rings the doorbell on a strange townhouse and greets the unseen person at the door. Pause for a word from our sponsor in which we determine that no power on earth could entice us to see Adventureland.
Rufus and Lily are exchanging ex-lists over candlelight, and it is exactly like that scene from Sex and the City where Miranda forces Steve to tell her how many women he's been with and then finds herself surprised by the hugeness of his number ("Mirander, I'm a bartendah"), except in this scenario Rufus is Miranda, and Lily is Steve -- we wonder if they'll include the time when she did it with Trent Renznor in a closet in the new script for Lily.
Back at the loft, Vanessa confesses her fears about Nate getting sucked into the family agenda and becoming a Vanderbilt pod person. Nate assures her that nothing matters more to him than trekking acrossing Europe with her.
Chuck gets in Dorota's face in an attempt to intimidate Blair's whereabouts out of her. Dorota can be very scary when shrieking in her native tongue. Luckily, Serena knows that one always gets more flies with honey than with vinegar. Dorota spills the location, and Chuck and Serena troop off to save the day. Turns out Blair's sobbing in the hallway of the Dean of Sarah Lawrence in a valiant effort to finagle a spot in their freshman class. Unfortunately, "teacher-hazing" seems to be the unforgivable sin, and not even Chuck and Serena can pick up the pieces of Blair's shattered future. Sidenote: why is a pre-teen in a floor-legnth nightgown answering the door at the Dean's townhouse?
The next morning, Blair's parade of self-destruction includes a drunken appearance at a society brunch, and blabbing to Serena about Dan's roll in the costumes with the insipid Miss Carr. We're actually a little relieved that Blair seems pissed about the whole Elle debacle, and not just falling into Chuck's arms now that he's finally available for comment. Yeah, his dad died, his life was a shambles, blah, blah, blah -- have a slice of pie and leave the high-end prostitutes to their own devices.
Across town, while the Vanderbilts are embracing Vanessa as the future first lady, Vanessa's devising ways to keep Nate from their bourge-y clutches. Tragically, Grandpa Vanderbilt came to play. He's offering Nate an internship at the mayor's office, and Vanessa's pierogi tour of Eastern Europe suddenly seems trite.
Pause for a word from our sponsor in which we're weirdly stressed out by the home pregnancy test commercial during a show about high school girls.
Back at brunch, Chuck tries to lure Blair back to normal by hitting her with his best vulnerability speech. Blair's over it, and bails on the whole endeavor, only to somehow show up on the porch at the Vanderbilt family reunion. What? Nate gives her a pep talk that involves Audrey Hepburn and getting high, and sends her on her not-so-merry way. Back inside, Nate's grandfather is announcing the internship and, for some reason, speaking in the royal "we." Nate accepts the speech and Vanessa looks crestfallen.
Predictably, Serena is the next to crash the reunion to scream at Dan for the Miss Carr indiscretions. Thankfully, one good slap is all the fight she seems to have in her, and laughing, they trot off together in search of ice for Dan's bruised face.
Rufus and Lily are still fighting about the lists, and frankly, we're bored by the whole thing.
Vanessa limps back to the Humphrey loft to lick her wounds, and Chuck's back to moping and attempting to drown his sorrows in liquor until Serena arrives to stop the madness and send him back to Blair. Unfortunately, Dorota's minding the drawbridge and won't let Chuck across. Chuck agrees to go, but not before spying Nate's school blazer draped across the chair. Don't worry Chuck, we all know Nate and Blair chemistry is lukewarm at best, they won't be together for long.
Question: Um, where the hell is Eric?
Previously:
Tonight's Gossip Girl SPOILERS: The Grandfather
Gossip Girl: Like Kissing Your Teacher
Gossip Girl: You're On My Heart Just Like a Tattoo