For $7,000, he would gladly tie up my "give" and return me to my pre-childbirth state. Or even pre-sex! Dr. Matlock could put my hymen back, if I liked. "It's a very simple procedure. I can make you as tight as you want. Two fingers' width, whatever you say." He made an "O" by touching his forefinger to his thumb, and then made it smaller, smaller . . . He used the same convincing argument Dr. Norton had, about friction and pressure leading to a more "orgiastic" state. But I got to thinking if that's true, then why don't we stick things in our ears till we come, or in the crook of our elbows, then close our arms real tight? And as for the effect on men in general, we don't want them getting more stimulated upon entering us. We want them to last longer.
The sounds of a woman weeping came from the next room. "Hemorrhoids," Dr. Matlock said to me confidentially. "It happens sometimes with this surgery, if the woman bears down too heavily." ("You wouldn't bear down, Lisa," I heard him add with my E.S.P., "would you? No. Good girl.")
"I had a little bit of a problem with the catheter," another woman told me later. "I had to wear the damn catheter for six or seven days afterwards, and then when it came out I couldn't pee. I had to stay home from work and take a warm bath if I wanted to pee and, like, pee on myself. I had to go to the E.R. For several months, it felt like someone was rubbing on the stitches every time I had sex. Now I'm happy. At seven months I feel like my pleasure went up."
Board-certified OB/GYN Wayne Goldner questions the client's last claim. "How can I say this nicely? There is no surgery that's going to improve sex. A woman can have five kids and everything can be falling down and she can have fantastic sex, while another woman can have perfect anatomy and horrible sex. Great sex depends on your partner and effort and time and knowledge. Now, there can be a prolapsed bladder and rectum, or labia hypertrophy labia so long it gets pulled into the vagina during intercourse. Very, very few women have labia hypertrophy. In twenty years of practice I've never seen it." In other words, if someone has genuine problems from loose pussy or extra-long lips, insurance would cover the surgery and any OB/GYN could perform it. So why go to a plastic surgeon in Beverly Hills whose work is not paid for by insurance? Perfectionism.
"My husband was very happy with me," I was told by a woman who had been rejuvelized, "but after I had my child, my pleasure was not so great, and I felt like everything was hanging out down there. I'm a perfectionist."
Along with Dr. Goldner, sex therapist Elizabeth Oien voiced some concerns about the procedure. "The inner labia are richly endowed with Hooksexup endings," she explained, "so that area is a strong source of pleasure for a woman whereas inside the vagina we have very few Hooksexup endings." So to tighten up the vagina shouldn't help the woman at all, while cutting the labia could actually hurt her chances to become more "orgiastic."
Women's genitals, like their personalities, are more detailed than men's they have more convolutions, more colors, more mystery. The penis is so smooth. The terrain of the cock is barren. I don't mean that in a bad way I'm a big fan of the cock. But a stiff one presents a deserted horizon which Clint Eastwood could ride off into, were he a quarter-of-a-millimeter tall. Whereas the puss is a forest, a river, a mess in the best way possible. Penises get compared to cold hard things: battering rams, rocketships, it's a love "tool"; women's parts get called living things it's a monkey, a clam, a beaver. It's more difficult to understand living things, because they always change.
Most people don't even try to penetrate the mystery of the vagina, and it feels sorely neglected. But Dr. Matlock points out its different parts, talks about it all day long, praises it. "I feel so lucky that I found Dr. Matlock," said one of his clients. "He is such an expert. So clean, and he listens. I'm a very picky person even about my hairdresser, the way they touch my hair has to be confident." Dr. Matlock's touch is both comforting and titillating, and the puss, hungry for such close attention, such knowledge, confuses this with love. I must admit that mine, fucked and licked and fingered a million times and yet still never given this kind of attention frank, praising, well-lit attention got all wet during the exam. While everyone else turns their back on the puss or takes their turn in it in the dark Dr. Matlock shows you a video of himself touching a vagina model knowingly, and then you meet him and he takes the model out from under the desk and touches it again, and then he touches yours. He shines a bright, hot light between your legs and offers you power over a part of yourself you don't understand. We could, by harnessing his "laseroscopy" machine, control our vagina. That's the snake oil he's offering. In the hour and a half I spent with him, he never mentioned men. It was power he was selling me. And for just a minute, I forgot I was a spy I was ready to buy.
Lisa Carver is the author of the books Dancing Queen, Rollerderby, The Lisa Diaries and Drugs Are Nice. She's written for Hustler,Index, Icon, Feed,Newsday and Playboy, among others. She lives in New Hampshire.
then close our arms real tight? And as for the effect on men in general, we don't want them getting more stimulated upon entering us. We want them to last longer.
