The review had already been written before any of this stuff happened, so I didn't feel conflicted about what I'd done. Of course, had I actually written the damn thing afterwards, I wouldn't have felt bad either because sex can be so separate from everything else, including feelings, including critical faculties, including my own judgment which is usually pretty good.
But the review came out on a Monday. I was up all night that night, finishing another assignment, and 5:30 Tuesday morning the phone rang. It was Alex. I didn't know who Alex was when he first said his name, and then I put it together. I was about ready to go to sleep. Come over, he said. Come over right now. I'm going down to Washington in an hour, so you have to come here right now.
I probably would have but I was tired. Not too tired to go there and hang out for an hour or so, but too tired for his breaking and entering routine. Too tired to fuck.
I kept saying, I can't. He kept saying, You can. He said, I won't take no. I said, You're going to have to. I said confusing sex and love as usual If I say no, will you still like me? He said, It's not a matter of no because you're going to come over here right now.
I finally said yes to get him off the phone. But when I didn't turn up at his door twenty minutes later, he called me three more times so we could go through the same discussion again.
I saw your article, he said during one of the calls. It was great.
Thank you, I answered. I'm glad you like it.
Come over now. My ride will be here in an hour and I need to see you now. Besides, I'm running out of quarters.
Alex, you're crazy, I said.
I know I'm crazy, but you're crazy too.
Why are you calling me now? Why not call me at a normal hour?
Why are you awake now?
I've been up all night. What about you?
Same thing, he said. What he was trying to show me is that we are the same: we both don't sleep at night. And there is a camaraderie that I feel with all nocturnal creatures, which is maybe why I love my cat, maybe why I feel bad that Alex doesn't have his cat. But now he is mistaking me for one of him disguised as one of them. He doesn't realize that I've been up all night working while he's been up all night partying, mainlining, nodding off and drooling.
And I know something isn't right. When he calls me for the last time, I let the machine get it. I don't go.
now. I'm going down to Washington in an hour, so you have to come here right now.
