The Hooksexup Video Blog: Deep, Deep Inside The World of Online Video

I think the presidental campaign is starting to fly off the rails. Hillary Clinton cried again yesterday -- or did she? -- and Obama's got a new weird music video out. I think that we're starting to "jump the shark" here with this election, folks.

Here's the latest Hillary story or non-story, depending on your point of view:



Quotes courtesy of Slate Magazine.

Aw, Hill. Just let the tears come, buddy. Don't hold them in! Seriously. I can't deal with this topic anymore, and I don't even feel like making fun of her. ...Plus, they say that the tears of Hillary Clinton have a wee bit o' magic in them. ...Some whisper, in hushed voices, that her tears can cure cancer. Others say that her tears taste delicious, like fresh raspberry lemonade. Others say that a concentrated vial of Hillary's tears could bring peace to the Middle East, make Madonna relevant again, and create enough hybrid electric power to charge the cars of the future... for the next one hundred years.

Oh lord, I'm making fun of her, aren't I? Well, I'm a jerk, I guess. But Hillary, this one goes out to you:





By the way, here's a very short list of songs that I wouldn't want to have written about me:



Okay, I just threw that last one in at random. But seriously, how does Britney even deal with the "Cry Me a River" song? Imagine not just having a song about how you're whiny ho-bag, but then having it be a number one hit song, with a full orchestra, a choir, and a back-up gospel choir. Jesus! And I think that the gospel choir part would bother me the most, for some reason. ...If I were Brit, I would just run into local Targets and Wal-Marts, grab all the Justin CDs, and start stomping them to pieces with my feet. In fact, that's probably what Britney will start doing sometime next week... knowing her.

And now I've broken my "stop making fun of Britney" pledge and my newly created "stop making fun of Hillary" pledge.

I'm gonna stop now.

Hey! It's the good people of Improv Everywhere... the same people who brought you the fake U2 rooftop concert (featuring my friend Ptolemy as "Bono"). And now, Improv Everywhere is doing stuff again, proving, as always... that they have the ability to do weird stuff.

And so here... is five minutes of frozen time... in Grand Central Station. It's all sort of oddly beautiful and compelling.





Oh, and my favorite line? "They're not moving. I need help! Oh. They're moving." It's probably good that I was not actually there for this event, as I would have been even more freaked out than the actual eyewitnesses were, and probably would have started shouting, "It's a mutant attack like in 'X-Men 2'!" Or, "Ohmigod, I think they're zombies!" Or, "Jesus Christ! It's the end of the fucking world!" I can be reliablely counted on to freak out in a crisis like that.

Okay, this video is my fault, and I apologize. I had a date with this girl the other day, (By the way... Hey there, my date from the other day!), anyway, and so for some reason, during my date with her, I started doing my Anthony Hopkins as Hannibal Lecter from "Silence of the Lambs" voice, one of the only voices that I can do: "You're so ambitious, aren't you, Clarice? All those teeedious fumblings in the backseats of cars... While you could only dream of GETTING OUT, of getting ANYWHERE, of getting all... the... way... to the Eff... Bee... Eye!"

(By the way, this is the kind of thing that ends up happening if you go on a date with me. You have been warned.)

Anyway and this voice totally creeped my date out, which makes sense, 'cause it's an insane thing to do, and she was like, "Stop it. Please. You're creeping me out." But for some reason, I decided that my Anthony Hopkins voice was the best and most funniest thing that ever happened, and I started calling my friends and leaving messages in my voice... and then, the next day, I called my pal Jeremy on the phone, and Jeremy is awesome, because he's the only other person in the world that would think this is funny, and then he started doing his version of the voice, and I was like, "This is the funniest thing that's ever happened; we should so totally put this on the blog." And so I asked Jeremy to shoot a video of him doing it.

...All of which is a long way of saying that the below video-reactment of "Silence of the Lambs," using a Yoda puppet, and a Barbie doll, is totally my fault. It's kind of long and creepy, and that's my fault too. But I think Jeremy spent like fifteen hours making it, so let's all honor and respect his work. Enjoy!





And below is the original scene for comparison purposes. Thanks, Jeremy! And you still owe me that list of "good/bad movies"! And I apologize to my blog readership for me being such a weirdo.

There is certainly no bigger Barack Obama fan than myself. But this new video... I dunno. First of all, it's made by will.i.am from Black-Eyed Peas, whose name is misspelled. Plus his name is annoying, because I actually had to go look up how to type it. That's dumb. What if I called myself oLiV.e.r.MILL.er, and forced people to do Google searches to learn how to spell it? Blegh.

Also, the above video is creepy, and features one of my least favorite celebrities, Scarlett Johansson, whose claim to fame -- as far as I can tell -- is that she's skinny with big breasts. That's nice for her. But there are many girls in the world who are skinny with big breasts. But only Scarlett Johansson gets paid $20 million a year for it, which is weird.

Plus, this video has the big ol' random pu-pu platter of celebrities, whose common thread seems to be that they were available to shoot a video that day. Hey! It's Kareem Abdul Jabbar! And... that guy! And a girl! I think she's a model! Actually, okay, I only recognize Kareem Abdul Jabbar. But the other people in the video must be celebrities too, otherwise they wouldn't be in it, right?

Anyway, fellow Obamaniacs, we can do better than this video. I know that we can. Yes we can.

---

Pointless bonus thingy: Here's the end of "Lost in Translation," the only good movie that Scarlett Johansson was ever in. Some of us were tricked by this movie into thinking that she would be in other good movies. Nope! Wrong!

No, it's not "Lost," silly! Thank god for the writers' strike, for it appears that it has forced Fox into reviving the greatest reality TV show.... ever made.

Yes, it's...

THE RETURN OF 'PARADISE HOTEL'!!!

Yeah!





Oh yeah! For those of you how aren't familar with the show, "Paradise Hotel," (unofficial title: "Drunk Asshole Hotel"), is about a bunch of sexy people who have sex, often while being drunk. That's it. That's the entire show. You check into the hotel, and in order to last the night, you have to "find a roommate," (i.e., "have sex with someone.") Genius. And then new people arrive at the hotel, and someone has to get kicked out, and people cry, and yell at each other, and... swim, and have sex, often while being drunk.

It is perhaps not an understatement to say that the history of Western entertainment, and indeed, the history of Western Civilization itself has been trending towards this show. ...Fuck off, "Survivor"! ...See you in hell, "American Idol"! For this is a reality show about hot people... who have sex... often while being drunk. And then they yell at each other. It's entertainment in its purest form!

My only question: Why did it take us so long to think of this show? Isn't it, like, a no-brainer? Isn't it the most obvious show of all time? We should have thought of this hundreds of years ago! Like, Shakespeare could have been writing plays... about drunk people... who have sex... while yelling. Duh!

Anyway, maybe I'm getting too excited here, but the return of a show like "Drunk Asshole Hotel" will do that to you. And if you missed Season One, here are two retrospective clips below. And below that, there's a clip from the German* version of "Drunk Asshole Hotel." ...Note how the Germans all seem completely evil, and all evily smoke cigarettes. Also notice that you don't really have to understand any of the dialogue in order to enjoy an episode of the show.

(*A reader who is smarter than me has pointed out that this clip is Swedish, not German. Whoops! I apologize for any loss of humor caused by this incident.)







And, in German*. Das is gutt! Yah!

(*No! Wrong!)





Awesome. Anyway, the new season of "Paradise Hotel" starts tonight! On some channel or other, I forget which one.





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...I was debating with myself over whether to put up a video of London hipsters dancing to "Thriller" on the subway -- oh boy! another "Thriller" parody! jaded hipsters recreating 1980s stuff! -- when I came across this second video; actual authentic weird stuff from the 80s. ...It's the Japanese new wave band "The Plastics," performing their song "Top Secret Man" on SCTV, back in the day... Featuring: penguins! pancakes! pool toys! Sweet.





Oh, fine. ...Below is the "Thriller" video too. Honestly, I feel like such a prostitute sometimes. Okay, so yeah, it's a funny video. But it also reminds me of why I got sick of living in big cities, like London... or New York. Here's this weird, funny thing happening, and everyone's dominant reaction is, "Oh god; weird hipsters doing crap. Let me just ignore them and try to read my book on the subway." I guarantee you that if random strangers started dancing to "Thriller" on the streets down here in New Orleans, they would not be ignored. Everyone would either start dancing with them... or would beat the fuck out of them. And either way would be good.

My alternate title for this blog was the fairly predicatable "Food Fight!" Meh. Anyway, like I said... it's a history of modern warfare since World War II, told entirely using food. ("Sushi" = Japan. "Hamburgers" = America. "Kimchi" = Korea. Etc, etc... You dig?)

It's fun, and yet profoundly disturbing at the same time. Take that, Matzoh! Oh, wait. ...Those are the Jews. Yikes. Never mind.

---

Update: ...I was watching this video again, and it's bizarre that it took a video of animated food to make me realize this, but... modern wars can no longer be won. Crazy. If you watch the video, World War II is the last war fought with "conventional warfare," and the last war with an actual clear winner. Every war since then has used some modification of a nuclear threat and/or terrorism. And every war since then has been a stalemate.

Korea = stalemate.

Vietnam = stalemate, hypothetical loss for the U.S., although we could have possibly won if we'd been willing to absolutely decimate North Vietnam... which, to our very, very, very minor credit, we were not quite willing to do. (And if you ever want to get really freaked out, read some history books about Vietnam. President Nixon would get drunk, late at night, and order the army to nuke North Vietnam. And the generals would be like: "Sure, sure... we'll get right on that, Mr. President." And then they wouldn't. And when Nixon sobered up, the next day, he'd be like, "I didn't tell you to nuke Vietnam, did I?" And the generals would be like: "No! Of course not!" Anyway. Absolutely terrifying.)

Cold War = stalemate.

Middle East, fight over Israel = stalemate.

first Iraq war = technically a "victory," although it led to the current... stalemate.

Afghanistan = stalemate.

second Iraq war = stalemate.

...Totally fascinating, and I never really thought about this before. You can win a war tactically, now; but the use of personal terrorism makes it impossible to actually "win," even if you occupy the other country. And the possesion of nukes makes it difficult to even fight a war tactically, because if you go too far... kablammo!

Anyway, it's a good argument against not just the Iraq war, but against any future war... because, duh... even if we "win," we won't be able to win. Craziness.)

---

(Additional, bonus, fairly unrelated story about me: I was at this bar the other day, flirting with this random girl, and I got really bored, 'cause she was boring. So I just started quizzing her about random historical events. "Hey, when did World War II start and end? The Civil War? The American Revolution?"* These were the easiest questions I could think of. She couldn't get any of them right. So I left.)

...Here's news footage from 1970, in Oregon, of an eight-ton whale being blown up with a half ton of explosives... with fairly predictable bad results. Just because "Tom & Jerry" do it doesn't mean that it's a good idea, fellas! Not all problems can be solved with dynamite.

1) "Freddie Got Fingered," starring Tom Green. Trust me when I say that I did not have to agonize over picking the worst movie ever made. Please allow me to quote my old dating blog:


So there you go.





2) "Hello Again!" starring Shelley Long. I'll never know how I got roped into seeing this movie. I was pretty young at the time, and I think I didn't have total control over things like "What movies my family went to see." Anyway, if you've ever said to yourself: "Hey, remember Shelley Long's screechy, neurotic, unfunny character from 'Cheers'? Man, if only there was a two-hour movie version of that!" -- then this is the movie for you.





3) "Paycheck," starring Ben Affleck. This is an extremely new addition to the list, because I accidentally saw a half hour of it last weekend on "TBS." Wow. Okay, so, there's like this scene in the movie where Ben Affleck is being held captive in FBI headquarters, right? Are you with me so far? And he's surrounded by ten guys. So, the lead FBI guy, for no reason, lights a cigarette -- and this is the genius part -- he lights it directly beneath one of those fire-alarm sprinkler things. Even though this movie was made, like, two years ago, and no one has smoked a cigarette inside a federal building for the last twenty years. So, duh, the sprinkler goes off, and in the ensuing confusion, Ben Affleck escapes from his shackles, beats up ten FBI guys -- because they're all so startled by the water -- and escapes from the center of FBI headquarters.

This is the same level of thought that went into the entire movie. The movie, by the way, seems to involve time travel, and having your memory erased for three years, and it's one of those movies where even though Ben Affleck is just a "average joe" guy at the beginning, within five minutes he's completely adapted to the whole time travel, having his memory erased, being chased by FBI agents thing, and is making jokes and getting in car chases and beating people up. I can't even adapt to ordering something in a restaurant that quickly. Anyway, I'm sorry to talk about this movie for so long, but it was really bad.





4) "Star Wars: Episode II: Attack of the Clones," starring whiny Hayden Christiansen. Thank god, I've already beaten the badness of this movie to death in several other blogs. For example: here.







5) "The Real Cancun," starring a bunch of jerks. This was the equivalent of watching a two hour-long version of "The Real World," except that you had to pay money for the privilege. 'Nuff said. By the way, my going to see this movie was my friend Jeremy's fault.





6) "White Noise," starring Michael Keaton. ...And seeing this movie was my friend Tiffany's fault. It was one of those, "Hey, it's Friday night, we've got nothing to do, should we go and see a terrible movie or stay home and commit mass suicide?" kind of evenings. And so we saw this movie. It's a horror movie, it stars Michael Keaton, it makes no sense at all, and Michael Keaton dies at the end. I just intentionally spoiled the ending for you, so that you will never ever want to see it; which, trust me, you don't.





7) "The Thin Red Line," directed by "Captain Pretentious" -- Mr. Terrence Malick -- and starring Sean Penn and a lot of people doing pretentious voice-overs. This trailer features the one good line in the movie, said by the evil Sean Penn character: "...In this world, a man alone ain't nothin'. ...And there ain't no other world but this one." That's a good line, and Sean Penn does a good job of acting here. Everyone else does a bad job of acting.

I also hate this movie because it came out at the same time as "Saving Private Ryan," an actual really good movie about World War II (if you ignore the 'present day' scenes at the beginning and the end.) All my friends liked "The Thin Red Line," and hated "Saving Private Ryan," which drove me crazy. No, guys, no. This movie is terrible... It features five minute-long pointless shots of fish and trees, to show that it's deep. And it features voice-over narration like, "...Maybe there's just one big soul, and we're all a part of it." And the central message of this movie is, "War is bad, because people die." Thank you for pointing that out, Mr. Terrence Malick! Are you kidding me? Were my friends all stoned when they saw this? Anyway, I'm sorry to go on for so long, but I really hated this movie.





8) "The Matrix: Revolutions," starring, "Whoa. Dude. Spoon." I'm going to spoil this movie on purpose too, so that you'll never see it, although you've probably already seen it. Keanu Reeves dies at the end. And Trinity dies in the lamest, most pointless way possible. (Whoops! I fell on something! And it's sharp!) Keanu Reeves's character acquires magical powers for no reason halfway through the movie, and the directors never bother to explain why. This movie was so awful that it managed to make me sort of dislike the first "Matrix" movie, which up until that point, I had loved.





9) "Batman and Robin," starring the artist formerly known as George Clooney. Man, I bet George would like to erase this movie from his C.V., huh? ...Anyway, this movie features the line, "It's the hockey team from hell!" within the first three minutes. Also in the first three minutes: Batman and Robin (the Boy Wonder) fly into outer space for no particular reason, then float miles back to earth just using their capes, and land as if nothing had ever happened at all. Plausible-ish! And the movie doesn't get any better from there.

And also in the movie, the bad guy, Mr. Freeze, needs to raise a bunch of money in order to save his wife's life, and he has invented this amazing freeze ray. ...So, instead of -- I don't know, selling the freeze ray for a bunch of money and saving his wife, he decides to become a supervillain, and freezes the entire city. Oh. That makes sense. I mean, I know this isn't Shakespeare or nothin', but come on! That's just dumb.





10) "Contact," starring Jodie Foster, unfortunately. Let me put it this way. There's a scene in this movie where Jodie Foster is in a spaceship. And they give her a cyanide death-pill to take, in case something goes really wrong. As soon as she got the pill, my friend Tiffany and I started screaming -- "Just take the pill!" -- and we didn't stop screaming it for the next fifteen minutes, until the movie was over. No one else in the theater minded, because this movie is terrible. Oh, and the alien at the end? It's her dad.

--Oliver Miller