Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Sometimes the line between reality and virtual reality is just too damn blurry. Do most people get paid to twitter all day? Does anyone have a job anymore? Even in surreal times, love is love, Pisces. In the words of Cake, stick shifts and safety belts and bucket seats have all got to go. Ride with the top down this week.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
You feel like a piñata, Aries. People keep hitting you with sticks and you keep giving them sugary treats and toys. Just because they're blindfolded and it's a birthday party doesn't mean they don't know they're taking advantage. Surround yourself with one or two real friends for support this week. Hang in there. Remember: without you, everyone would be watching TV.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
Really, Taurus, there should be limits to your bullheadedness. It's dramatic to want to go down with the ship. Okay if you're the captain, not so cool if you're a barnacle. Time for you to be the fun loving stowaway. Swim to shore. Lie on the sand with the sun on your face. Wait for someone beautiful to come revive you. You won’t be sorry.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
Calm down. Before you implode from all that doubt and desperation, remind yourself that everything ends. Embrace it. Write something funny on your tombstone, like Dorthy Parker's "Excuse my dust" or Gourcho Marx's "Excuse me, I can't stand up." The important thing is, before you call up your ex to tell them what you REALLY think, light a couple candles, take a nap, then have a smoke. Ignore them celestial bodies. You broke up for a reason.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
Sometimes life is as messy as a gooey pile of disco fries. Sometimes the best way to handle this is to tuck your napkin in your collar, dunk the fries in your chocolate shake, and mop up all the salty goodness. Hit the gym tomorrow. Your lucky day is Thursday. Sound vague? Fine. Go to that Starbucks at the corner of 2nd, sit at the third table by the window, and make sure your watch (which is running fast) reads exactly 3:19pm. Bring napkins and a smile. Boy, you’re demanding.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
Breaking up is hard to do, but moving in together is as harder than discovering a lost continent — particularly when said continent leaves the toilet seat up. When you and your significant other become roomies this week, prepare to redraw the cartography of your comfort zone. Pugnacious Mars will amp up you territorial streak. Play nice. You’ll be exploring some unfamiliar nether regions in no time.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
Wednesday is a nasty day for contracts, and not just the kind that have given the global economy an equator-sized frowny face. The cosmic cabal of Saturn and Mercury conspires against all covenants — both written and oral — so put your money where your mouth is and keep your mouth out of mysterious laps. Also, Virgos into master-and-servant play may care to reschedule festivities for the weekend. Remember: Your safe word is your bond.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
With Venus in retrograde, Libras are headed for roadblocks. Lovers and coworkers have big plans, but you have grandiose designs of your own. I’m talking Elton John in IMAX on the fourth of July grandiose. Rapprochement is inevitable, so avoid coming across as a namby-pamby, pushover Pollyanna. Saying you’re a cockeyed optimist is just a polite way of saying you like getting skull-fucked.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Good news, Scorpio! Mars has entered your house of true love and will stay there until the end of the week. The benefits of true love can last much longer than a week, but like the 1996-97 New York Knicks, you’ve got a rapidly closing window of opportunity and an aging starting five. It’s up to you to capitalize on it while you can instead of getting all your best players suspended after a postseason brawl with the Miami Heat.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Mars is bringing you good fortune in the form of a Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card. As a person marked by good luck, you’ll be in league with the likes of David Bowie, Wolverine and Theodore Roosevelt. Venus is in retrograde, however, which advises against such potentially helpful decisions as a big purchase or cosmetic surgery. As such, I’m all out of ideas. Tread lightly, Sagittarius, lest you tread on your scalpel-augmented dreams.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
An unexpected reason to travel may pop up this weekend. While it may not be a celestial coincidence that impromptu road-based mayhem is falling so close to spring break, it’s best to pool your resources — astrological and otherwise — and fill the car to the brim with whatever you need to get by before taking off into the sunset. Pack for two. Yes, I mean swimsuits. Boy, you’re thick.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You're extroverted and charming, true. You better think twice, though. Are you sure, positive, beyond a shadow of a doubt that you want to order French onion soup and garlic knots on a first date? You don't get a second chance to make a first impression. Visions of stringy cheese hanging from your chin might not be the best way to start things. Be yourself at the Pan-American bistro this Wednesday, but remember that manners aren't antiquated rituals. Napkin in your collar, mints before the check.
