I started dating a guy a year and a half ago, despite misgivings about his nicotine and weed addictions. He promised he wouldn't do it around me (and he doesn't, ever). We're in love, the sex is great, and we've been maintaining a long-distance relationship for the past eight months. We're both interested in settling down and moving in together, and he says he's willing to give up cigarettes if that happens. But he's in a grad program and I'm in law school. It will be at least a year before we can even try to live together.
I hate smoking. He promised to do his best to quit six months ago when I gave him an ultimatum, but he basically gave up without telling me. To add to all the stress, we had an abortion a few days ago. It was the right decision, and he was a model partner, but I still feel like we had a Near-Commitment Experience and passed it by. He feels like we made it through a huge challenge, only for me to pick this fight now.
Feeling trapped and manipulated by my year and a half of waiting, and horribly depressed at the thought of the coming year, I broke up with him last night. We're both crushed. Am I facing up to a basic incompatibility, or just being intolerant and hormone-smashed from the ended pregnancy? We seem to be at an impasse: he says he doesn't want to quit right now, and I just can't grit my teeth and wait anymore. Are we missing something? — Quitter
Holy shit, I need a cigarette. This letter is stressing me out. Normally I'd pull out a stogie, but leaving a warm table full of friends to loiter outside in the cold, and return smelling like industrial-grade dooky stopped being cute, and I quit several years ago. I feel for your guy though. Smoking is awesome. I'd go back to it if it wouldn't...you know...kill me.
Jonesing aside, I think you two set yourselves up for failure. If Boyfriend is supposed to quit when you move in together, and you can't move for at least a year, why did you throw down that ultimatum six months ago? Was that a warm-up, or an effort to push the breakup along? If you're afraid of committing to a smoker, why set his quit date for the same date you sign the lease? Is that a good plan? Is that logical? Also, what's with this "do his best" business? I'm not surprised "do his best" was interpreted kinda liberally by your boyfriend. The goals aren't clear (both for his quitting smoking and what you guys want to do career/housing-wise), and the ones you do have, you keep moving around.
I think you both have serious doubts about committing to each other. Post-pregnancy hormones are affecting this, sure, but this has been going on for quite a while, like you said. You're in a long-term relationship but living in separate residences, contemplating breaking up, and making life decisions that indicate you're not ready to get more serious.
You are torn up by your boyfriend's indecision. You think all you want is this one thing from him. But what would his quitting smoking mean to you? Would it show that he's finally serious about the relationship? Would it be a sign that he cares about you and is sensitive enough to connect with you emotionally? Would it reassure you that he's capable of self-control and carrying something through? These questions are more substantial than a few puffs off a Marlboro.
Your boyfriend is probably sick of being criticized. Subconsciously, he's using the smoking issue as a way to forestall commitment. He doesn't see a big problem with his weed and tobacco use, and resents having to take on another person's (your) values as his own. He's seen you through difficult times, and feels like he's gotten little but complaining to show for it. He wonders if you'll continue to be this way in the long term. If I quit smoking, he thinks, what will she choose to criticize me about next? His delaying quitting and putting conditions on it is his way of reasserting his identity and gaining control.
Quitter, I think you did the right thing by quitting this relationship. You both feel what you feel very strongly. You gave it an ample amount of time, tried your best to compromise, and it didn't work out. You don't want to date a smoker, and, whether he admits it or not, he digs smoking. You shouldn't have to change, and he shouldn't have to change. That's the golden nugget in all this. It's no one's fault.
I know you guys are miserable, and you should expect to be for a time. Quitting people is just as miserable as getting off the smokey treats. If they could make an ex-girlfriend patch or an ex-husband gum, I'm sure we'd be a nation of addicts, calling and hanging up on our exes when the drugstore is closed and we couldn't get our next fix.
I recently started dating a new gal. We've been out on four dates. No sex. We haven't talked about exclusivity, but it did come out in casual conversation that neither of us is seeing other people. After that came out, we got quiet and awkward.
She's going on a business trip this weekend. It happens that a female college friend is also coming to visit — the kind of friend that's platonic until we have a lot to drink and get naked. Is it alright to sleep with my friend, assuming I don't do it again if things get serious with the four-date girl? — Under the Wire
How intense were those four dates? Did you reveal any deep personal secrets? Make any of those creepy vows like they do in eHarmony commercials? If not, you're in the clear. You haven't slept together and you haven't had "The Talk." Exclusivity by intention is not the same as exclusivity by default.
This would-be indiscretion is with a designated fuck buddy and a long-distance fuck buddy at that. Your fuck-friendship isn't transforming into a committed relationship anytime soon. Plus, since she lives far way, it isn't likely you'll have to explain to your new maybe-girlfriend who that friendly lady is you keep running into.
A fling like this can be good in the early stages of a possible relationship. You get all that sexual frustration out of your system with one last, safe hurrah. You can make decisions based on whether you actually like four-date girl versus needing to relieve your blue balls.
Be prepared for this question: "How was your weekend?" I recommend the vague but honest answer: "An old friend came to town." Four-date girl might drop it at that. If she gets jealous though, you have the perfect opportunity to discuss the rules going forward.
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