Dear Miss Information,

I've been in an on-again/off-again relationship for over twenty years. We're currently split but communicating, and he's adamant we're "destined" to be together. I met him when I was twenty-two and our relationship evolved from friendship to lovers. Through marriages and divorces with other people, we've somehow stayed connected and do love each other. I'm forty-three now and I have a fourteen-year-old son. My friend is not the father, but has developed a close relationship with my son and treats him like he was his own. We had lived together for five years, and still share an office space because at one point we had hoped to work on creative projects together.

While the fact that my friend's pushing sixty hasn't bothered me before, I feel he doesn't have the ability to be a suitable long-term partner for me. He's disorganized, as some artists tend to be; doesn't make as much money as I do or have much respect for the importance of financial stability; and is not very good at housekeeping, although he tries. We're both self-employed, but my business is pretty consistent. Because of the slow pace with his fluctuating career, I'm now in a lot of debt as I tend to be the one carrying the weight of expenses. Every time I send him away, however, I take him back because he promises to do better. And while he makes improvements, I feel like I am constantly teaching him life skills and I'd be better off finding someone who already has those skill sets, before I miss out on what's left of my energetic years!

I feel awful pushing love aside for more practical considerations. He's a good person, romantic, gentle, talented, worldly, compassionate, a great cook, and we like many of the same things. He prefers to focus on these happy things about us, while I am more pragmatic and don't want to waste my time dragging along someone whom I might end up spending the next part of my life having to care for, without ever having had a real partner. I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only grown-up in the relationship and feeling taken advantage of financially. And to cap it off, I have a hard time having sex with him anymore because of the stress from constantly fighting about the relationship. He won't move on, even though I've already updated my online dating profiles. And I'm exhausted.

Obviously, there are multiple concerns here. I just need some advice as to whether I should lock him out of my life completely and never re-open that door, even if we still love each other. Or would I be a fool to lose someone who is completely devoted to my son and I? — Cannibal Kiss

Dear Cannibal Kiss,

"Destiny is no matter of chance. It is a matter of choice: it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved."

That's from William Jennings Bryan. He didn't believe in booze or evolution and was therefore kind of a wang, but he's right about destiny being about more than faux-promises and manipulative, romantic horseshit. It's about action. After twenty years, your boyfriend knows exactly what to say to tug at your heart strings, yet remains clueless about what it takes to be a fully functioning adult. Of course he wants to focus on the fuzzy-wuzzy feelings and the fun times. We all do. Avoidance is human nature. But most of us are able to put that aside and take care of our shit when shit needs tending.

I'm hearing a zillion good reasons why you two are incompatible. You are not "pushing love aside for more practical considerations." A big part of love is the practical aspect. You are not dumping a guy who drives a Porsche for a guy who drives a Lamborghini. I doubt this is even about money so much as his attitude towards it. If you dated a guy who made zilch but was ultra-responsible with what little money he did have — researching investment strategies instead of treating you as his second-string bank — I doubt we'd be having this conversation.

You know what you need to do. Your problem is that you are waiting for it to be easy. "He won't move on" is the complaint of someone being passive. You can move on all by yourself. You don't have to wait for his permission. How? You can start by not sharing an office. I don't care what your reasons are. Better to run your business from a Hardee's bathroom off I-96 and have it be a clean break. The same goes for "being friends." It's fine, but only after a period of separation. Constant communication stifles change. Your son's relationship with this man should be the only exception.

Don't confuse love with comfort or a fear of the unknown. Yes, dating in your forties with a kid can be difficult, but what you've got now is also difficult. Would you rather be unhappy with possibilities, or simply unhappy?

Readers, how have you extricated yourself from a long-term entanglement? Do you think telling Cannibal Kiss to leave her boyfriend is a mistake?

Dear Miss Information,

I got married in September to a fabulous Navy guy, who's in a different country at the moment. To get to the point: I'm chubby. I'm not fat, I'm just jiggly, and I can't allow myself to do some of the stuff my husband wants to do because I'm too self-conscious of how I'll look. I don't want to be in the middle of doing something, then have my husband look up and see something even I don't like looking at. It's actually prevented me from having orgasms. Do I just need time? Do I need to just forget about it? Should I lose weight? I just want to be confident and not worry about this crap. Any suggestions? — Government Issues

Dear Government Issues,

I've struggled (and continue to struggle) with some of the same issues and have come to the conclusion that I'm always going to be the kind of person who worries about "this crap." Even when I was going through a breakup and weighed fifteen pounds less than I do now, the first thought that crossed my mind whenever I was looked in a mirror was, "Geez, I look fat." Now, I can flog myself for being a bad feminist. Or I can accept it as a not-so-awesome trait I'm working on, and focus on my personality's healthier aspects: I do not fly into uncontrollable rages; I'm relatively good at making small talk with people I don't know; I know the difference between keeping a clean house and staying up until four a.m. scrubbing imaginary germs in an already-antiseptic bathroom.

I want you to come up with a similar list, Government Issues. Open up a Word doc and write down all the ways in which you're psychologically kicking ass. This does two things: 1) it shows you that there's more to your identity than how you feel about your body and 2) it boosts your self-esteem, which can have a trickle-down effect. No one's ever felt better about themselves by making themselves feel bad. Each time you tell that little voice inside, "Yeah, whatever, big deal," you lessen its impact. So the next time it chides you for not wanting to strut around in a thong, it might speak in a hoarse whisper instead of a shout.

The second thing I want you to do is think about what's going to make you feel more comfortable during sex. Is it keeping the lights low? Sticking with certain positions? Having a couple of glasses of wine before the act? If that's what you need, so be it. Screw anyone who says you have to feel comfortable doing whatever, whenever, wherever. This should be about your pleasure. Yes, your husband's there, too — but he should be willing to make some reasonable accommodations. Maybe you agree to try something new, but he has to wear a blindfold the first few times. If you haven't told him about your worries, do so. He can't give you what you need until you tell him what you need. Don't worry about coming off like a prude or losing your reputation as an anything-goes sex kitten. If small changes in the way you have sex will make you feel more relaxed — and therefore more horny, and therefore more orgasmic — you'll quickly earn it back.

Your doctor's the one who can tell you if you need to lose weight, not some advice columnist with a degree in who-the-fuck-remembers. I will say that exercise and the lovely brain chemicals it releases have been known to make people feel better about themselves and more confident — if not less "jiggly" — and that can translate to a better time in the bedroom. Then again, you could be in the best shape of your life and still feel self-conscious. Body image is an asshole like that. At the risk of sounding like a rehab brochure, working on mind and body is your best bet. Go to the gym if that's what you want, but put a copy of The Good Body or something similar on the treadmill.

Finally, don't dismiss the long-distance factor. You don't see him for long periods and then you expect to have these amazing reunions where it's all vanilla candles, ticker tape, and orgasms. Realize that it's going to take a bit to re-establish the connection and cut yourself some slack.

Readers, how do you deal with your appearance-related demons? What works best for you?

Comments ( 52 )

as trite and horrible as it sounds, sometimes i just gotta watch that Christina Aguilera video Beautiful. It always makes me feel instantly better.

bunnykilla88 commented on Jan 18 10 at 1:48 am

As a fat chick, frankly, sex makes me feel better about my body. It's led to some poor decision-making, but at least I have fun in bed!

Kelly commented on Jan 18 10 at 2:06 am

Unfortunately, women were born to suffer. By that I mean, I have not met a woman who could not find a few things that make her feel bad about herself. Do as much as you can to accept yourself. Forget about the lack of acceptance you received at home. Your family effed up. Now its on you to make yourself recognize that you are complete.

Bob commented on Jan 18 10 at 2:18 am

I'm going to point out the obvious male perspective here and say that maybe her husband married her partly because he LIKES the jiggle. The whole "I will be with you forever" promise comes part and parcel with the person's body.

Having body issues is fine and everyone has them, but it's wrong to push them onto someone else. She shouldn't be worried about what he's going to see in an act he has specifically requested. The view has probably crossed his mind pleasantly and might be the impetus for the request in the first place.

Instead of getting liquored up and using blindfolds (not to say they're a bad thing), why doesn't she try to accept the man she married thinks she's hot?

XeroxPunk commented on Jan 18 10 at 2:40 am

Once you've had sex with someone more than a few times, they know what your body's like. Whatever your "imperfections" might be, they've seen them from multiple angles, including the unflattering ones. If they've chosen to stick around, that means they're at least OK with it, and might even be turned on by the very things you think of as flaws.

As for the title question? Some men like plus-size women. Some men even like them exclusively. Some don't, at all. Some find that it totally depends on the woman, not to mention the time and place. Or sometimes there's a discrepancy between different aspects of their sexual selves: some men enjoy looking at skinny women in pictures (visual sense), but love to go to bed with curvy women because they like the feel of their curves (tactile sense). Some men like curvy women as sex objects, but like skinny women as status objects, which might seem strange but assuredly happens.

S.F. commented on Jan 18 10 at 5:06 am

S.F., I feel the need to quote the second part of your response to my girlfriend. Well put.

eurrapanzy commented on Jan 18 10 at 9:08 am

As a not-skinny, not-fat, and in some places "jiggly" woman myself, I've found that in general, if your partner sees you naked and doesn't run away or make desparaging comments about your figure, they probably at least don't mind your body. If they want to see you naked over and over again--as in a marriage--the partner probably likes your figure, and is probably being truthful if s/he tells you so. All the praise in the world doesn't work, though, if you yourself need some confidence boosts. For me, I found it in two kind of unusual ways: I worked as a nude art model for a few years, where my figure was in high demand because it was so "interesting" to paint, and by swimming. Not because the swimming made me lose weight, but because the act of seeing other normal people showering in locker rooms, or wearing skintight swimsuits with the goal of doing something with their bodies instead of lounging around looking hot means that you're surrounded by confident people of literally EVERY shape and size that there is. It seems counterintuitive, but once you're surrounded by a bunch of other people in workout gear or swimsuits who are actually somewhere to see what their bodies can DO, instead of how how they LOOK, you can start to take pride in what your body does, instead of how it looks.

Also, Kate Harding's Shapely Prose is a fantastic website that I recommend (www.kateharding.net)

Claire commented on Jan 18 10 at 11:50 am

Also, about that swimming: I definitely GAINED weight when I was swimming lots, but it didn't matter. I started to be able to take pride in the fact that my arms and legs could push me through water, instead of seeing them as things that didn't look airbrushed in a swimsuit.

Claire commented on Jan 18 10 at 11:52 am

What sexual stuff would make a woman worry that she looks more fat than other sexual stuff?

I don't get it.

Bart commented on Jan 18 10 at 11:55 am

When I got single, I eventually started seeing a woman who was about twenty pounds overweight (by her reckoning). Because my ex was a size 2 and barely a hundred pounds, I found my new lover's shape thrilling, especially because she was taking me from an A-cup to double Ds...and she knew how to use them. We eventually amicably broke up, for reasons not related to physiques, and I'm now seeing a breast-cancer survivor who was initially self-conscious about her "disfigurement" but since it didn't bother me, now it doesn't bother her.

Bottom line: it's the wine, not the bottle.

Jeff commented on Jan 18 10 at 12:09 pm

@Bart . . . I remember my mom telling me about a friend of hers who would only have sex lying flat on her back, because it made her stomach look flat. She's divorced now. Sometimes I feel a little self-conscious in spooning positions which make me feel like my belly has a "spare tire," but since my boyfriend shows regularly and vigorously how much he loves every inch of me, I don't let it bother me. But I do sometimes roll forwards a little so my belly is pressed into the mattress.

anathema commented on Jan 18 10 at 12:20 pm

I'm a plus-size lady (not chubby, actually fat), and I have to agree with several of the posters above. You didn't spend the time before your marriage conning your husband into thinking you had the figure of an Olsen twin (perhaps you think you did, but I assure you, you did not). In my opinion, the best way to get over your worries is just to do the stuff you think makes you look lumpy. Maybe you won't orgasm the first time you try that new position. That's okay. But I bet you'll have at least a little fun with it, and the next time you do it, it's going to be a lot easier. Talking to your husband so he can assure you that he likes the way you look is a good idea too, provided it stays as one conversation, instead of a lifetime of "are you sure I don't look fat? are you sure you like me?"

Lisa commented on Jan 18 10 at 12:32 pm

I have never been skinny and I used to have the same kind of angst. Point one: I got over it when I realized that where I see lumps or bulges, my man sees only "Naked woman!" and even better, "Naked woman who is going to do X to me and let me do Y to her!"
Point two: One wonderful lover taught me that a woman with an imperfect body (in other words, most women) who is enjoying sex with her man is waaaaaay sexier than a woman with a perfect body who is NOT enjoying it for whatever reason. Given the choice of a supermodel who just lies there vs a screamer who is writhing in ecstasy, who do you think he's going to pick? Let that pick be you!
Point 3: he married you, for heaven's sake. He LIKES your body and wants to sleep with you forever. BELIEVE what he tells you.

And i can't echo enough the posters who said he married you, he's seen you that way before

Nina commented on Jan 18 10 at 1:20 pm

Cannibal Kiss - Miss Information has nailed every aspect of your stated concerns. Tumbling further, looking for an easy way out is natural, especially considering an adolescent is involved. I would say look at the situation without that consideration. Your happiness is not solely tied to the development of your son - IMO, your son's development is intricately tied to your happiness. Quite often parents let the "welfare" of the children dictate every action/inaction. I believe it would be best to look past that fallacy and do what makes you and only you truly happy. We humans are resilient, and I say allowing your son to witness your own consistent, emotional delight gives him a better chance to survive in this cruel world than allowing him to witness your apathy.

I know some/most will think, "he needs a father figure, blah, blah, blah." My first response would be, the current man is not the last and only possibility. Second response would be, the son needs a strong and passionate mother who is consistent with the life lessons she passes on. Make him understand that life is not all roses, and that happiness is not passive.

Good luck.

Chone commented on Jan 18 10 at 2:13 pm

I'm a curvy girl who has the heart of a skinny (and very well endowed) man... On our first night together, we have a marvelous (read this as exceptionally orgasmic) time, after which I reach for the sheets. He pushes it down and says "dont hide from me". WOW! We've been together a year, have a rediculous amount of sex, laughing, giggling and exploring together and generally parade around the house naked just in case the mood strikes. My size has never been an issue and I'm aware enough to know I'm not perfect.. but in his eyes I am. Maybe GI's man feels the very same way.

Sissy commented on Jan 18 10 at 5:29 pm

GI's husband married her, which means that he likes her and, undoubtedly, loves her body. He could have married someone thinner, but he chose to marry her. GI, be proud of yourself, and remember that he married you, NOT SOMEONE THINNER. I know it can be hard to feel comfortable in your own skin, but when I am starting to doubt myself (I am really curvy) I remember that when I look at other women who are jiggly, busty, curvaceous, etc., I only think they are beautiful, I don't judge them or think anything about their size. It's an internal problem that I have, and other people perceive beauty in a range of shapes and sizes; that's what makes this world beautiful, all of the incredibly variety.

Bella commented on Jan 18 10 at 6:16 pm

I was sitting in a dark dingy dive bar a few summers ago when a sturdily built woman and a much thinner friend walked in. I remember because the ruggedly handsome dude next to me noticed too, and said, with sincere appreciation in his voice, "When a woman walks in that door, I don't want to see any between her thighs."

Personally, I have my big fat ass to thank for attracting nearly every partner I've had. I've mostly dated guys (with whom I always felt that tinge of self-consciousness about the appearance of key areas), but my partner now is a very skinny woman who digs every lump, bump, and dimple. And you know what? I believe her, because it's just less work that way. And because sometimes I wish there were a bit more of her to love too!

adyeeri commented on Jan 18 10 at 7:20 pm

crap, I typo'd the punchline above--the guy said he didn't "want to see any sunshine between her thighs."

adyeeri commented on Jan 18 10 at 7:21 pm

I promise you, for every woman out there who is "curvy" and thinks she's too fat, there's another woman out there who is thin and thinks her breasts are too small.

JdS commented on Jan 18 10 at 7:26 pm

I used to avoid certain positions because I could feel myself jiggling. I have giant breasts, which I used to try to hide because I felt they hung weird. Then I let go. I let go of the insecurities because I realized that my partner loved my body. I could see it in his eyes. He didn't see my stretch marks, the rolls, the jiggling.. he sees delicious curves, breasts and hips and an ass to grope and pull and bury himself in. I still feel bad about myself, from time to time, but never in bed around him.

I never even used to wear lingerie because I found that I hated my body in it and felt ridiculous but now.. I don't know. He gets so turned on and it helps me.

I also agree with Bella. I see women who are undoubtedly larger than me but I don't think "Geez, her ass is so fat", I think "I love her coat/hair/face/whatever else". We are only ever as hard on ourselves.

Dee commented on Jan 18 10 at 8:34 pm

When a man looks at a woman he looks at the parts of her that he likes, that he thinks are beautiful. The rest he hardly notices, becuase with so much good stuff to see, he has not time or interest to look anywhere else. If a woman gets to the naked part with a man, trust me he is happy, and u have no need to worry. In all cases where this does not hold true, be assurred that u r dealing with an asshole, and kick him to the kerb.

Feargulbum commented on Jan 18 10 at 10:47 pm

I pretty much only enjoy looking at women who are "built sturdy." When my wife and I got married, we were both a bit slender. As we've aged and expanded over 30 years, I feel a bit self conscious about my belly, but I never tire of looking at her "enhanced" curves.

Art commented on Jan 18 10 at 11:34 pm

Not to interrupt the big lady love fest that I helped start, but what about the flip side? Some men like jiggly women, but what of those who don't?

Is it acceptable for a man who isn't into jiggly women to break up with someone simply because she's put on a significant amount of weight and has no interest in de-jiggling?

XeroxPunk commented on Jan 19 10 at 3:42 am

Is losing weight an option??

vladimir commented on Jan 19 10 at 3:57 am

I don't there's anything wrong with not liking jiggly women (or men, for that matter). Fat may be a feminist issue, but guilt (Catholic or otherwise) has never been a true aphrodisiac. Besides, there's nothing quite as strained as the sexuality of people who try to reshape their erotic selves to fit their politics.

I think it's totally acceptable to break up with someone if they change significantly (physically or otherwise) in a way that you can't abide and can't reasonably have expected, and both of you are unable or unwilling to meet halfway (whatever "halfway" is). Of course, other people have the right to consider you a douchebag or not, depending on the situation. There's a difference between ten pounds and eighty, and there's a difference between breaking off a two-month relationship and a twenty-year marriage with kids. I also think that if everything else in the relationship is good, it's probably a bad sign if relatively minor changes in the other person's appearance can so easily become a dealbreaker. Then again, one of the great ironies of life and love is that monogamy tends to make many people more shallow, not less.

S.F. commented on Jan 19 10 at 5:32 am

I'm skinny with small breasts and have at times felt I should be curvier with bigger breasts, because I guess I assume men want something to grab hold of etc...What I have learned is that some men do, some men don't. And in fact it isn't about size it's about confidence. Totally. I've learned to see my breasts as cute and though I often catch sight of glorious cleavage and curvy hips and feel envy, I would never have a boob job. Never in a million years. Confidence, confidence, confidence. And PERSONALITY.

Emily Thom commented on Jan 19 10 at 9:33 am

Cannibal Kiss, I don't normally recommend looking at personal relationships with a business point of view, but hey, you're a business owner, so why not? Let's say you had an employee whom you kind of like, but his performance was not that great, and he's dragging the business down. You've tried to get him to improve his act, and he does for a little while, but it doesn't last. What should you do?

As for fat versus skinny, each has their advantages sex-wise, and obviously if the guy married you and has been in another country for some time, the last thing he's thinking about during his homecoming is, "Boy, she looks chunky in that one spot there." What I think is funny, though, is that there is now a Crunch gym ad on this page. So I guess you know what they think.

JCF commented on Jan 19 10 at 9:42 am

Government Issues:
i just wanted to say that i am in a relationship with a girl that is not skinny. she is not fat but she does have a little extra padding. we have had many conversations about how she feels about her body and i always assure her that i love her body. most of the guys i have talked to that have had relationships with these types of girls really enjoy their bodies. i feel that my girlfriend is extremely beautiful and i make it a point to tell her that every time i am with her.

maybe if you talked to your husband and about this it would help you. you would be able to hear his side of the story. im pretty positive that he will tell you that he really does love your body, and that he wouldnt have you any other way. that is the way i feel about my girlfriend, i wouldnt have her any other way. if your husband knows you are having problems with these thoughts, i have no doubt that he would be willing to remind you all of the time how sexy he really thinks you are!

Sam commented on Jan 19 10 at 4:56 pm

I like your attitude Emily Thom. I'm in the same boat!!

Cin commented on Jan 19 10 at 5:11 pm

"It's the wine, not the bottle"...fantastic!

Tina commented on Jan 19 10 at 5:32 pm

Personally, I like a woman with some meat on her bones. Too-skinny girls are all sharp hips and elbows in bed.

Alan commented on Jan 19 10 at 7:05 pm

As Charles Taylor puts it, we learn about ourselves from others and come to see ourselves as others do. So, if someone is growing up and made to feel worthless, they will come to see themselves as worthless and act as they feel they ought to act given such a state of affairs. This might entail being aggressively charming for the purpose of acquiring validation from others or it might lead to avoiding people all together and being really quite. Yes, our culture stigmatizes heavyset individuals, making the process of weightless difficult, but even then, as Miss Information put it, someone could be thin and still hate how they look. Loving one’s self is a very difficult thing to do.

Another benefit of exercising is the sense of accomplishment that comes from reaching goals. One has to remember, though, change happen slowly and it’s okay to flub up from time to time. So while I recommend exercise, I wouldn’t treat it as a panacea.

What I would do, though, is ask myself why being a particular shape implies that you are unworthy of enjoyed sexual pleasure? The husband seems comfortable with her shape; why is she not comfortable?

Also, there’s no such thing as objective beauty. That which is beautiful is beautiful because it’s deemed beautiful by others. By virtue of the husband being attracted to his wife she is attractive to him. Someone not finding the wife attractive does not necessarily detract from the husband’s attraction. He could be embarrassed by her, but if he was I doubt he would have married her. That sounds like a projection of insecurities more than anything else.

Keith Whitener commented on Jan 19 10 at 8:13 pm

@Government Issues: He saw you naked a few times before marriage, right? He married you, therefore your body isn't a problem for him. He must think you're sexy. I only go for skinny women, but I'm betting he loves your curves. You need to either find a way to accept yourself as he does (lots of good suggestions posted already), or decide for yourself that you want to lose weight for yourself, as a way to change your own view of yourself. Though you never know, he might complain if you lose weight (though hopefully he accepts that being healthier means a longer life). Don't let your weight mess-up your sex life or your marriage. Change your mind, change your body, or do a little of both.

Jay commented on Jan 19 10 at 10:08 pm

Really excellent answers as usual, Erin. Top notch on both -- you actually turned my opinion around completely on the first one.

As for the second letter, as some have explained, a woman who is enjoying sex, enthusiastic about getting naked and getting off, and confident enough to be sexually aggressive is 1000 times sexier than someone who is at the perfect body weight but none of those things. I've been won over by women who weren't my ideal size, based on their other attributes and their overall mojo. I've never been won over by a skinny girl who was no fun, though. Your husband is satisfied with your body at worst, and thrilled at best, otherwise he wouldn't be with you. He wouldn't still be there and still be wanting sex with you if he wasn't attracted to you. Work on your confidence and attitude first, then worry about your weight if you still think it matters after that. Sexy is 98% between your ears.

SG commented on Jan 19 10 at 11:25 pm

A forum like this should be required reading for all young adults starting to explore their sexuality. Even now in my late 20's I benefit from hearing others with experience talk about how awesome real bodies are, and celebrate a variety of shapes and sizes. I can only imagine how much that knowlege would have helped me from a young age to get over some of the obstacles of self-doubt and insecurity a lot more quickly. Lord knows, I would have enjoyed my early experiences even more!

JCO commented on Jan 20 10 at 2:57 pm

The only person who can make you feel good about yourself is you. Your man obviously loves and wants you just the way you are, but we're our own worst critics.

Lisa commented on Jan 20 10 at 4:52 pm

@Xerox - they've only been married for a few months and presumably her figure hasn't changed significantly in that time. So if he married her the way she is, he clearly likes her the way she is.

Marie commented on Jan 20 10 at 10:51 pm

There's an expression in Puerto Rican slang "Arroz que carne hay!" Loosely translated, it's "Give me some rice to go with that meat!" and it's a compliment.

Jan commented on Jan 20 10 at 10:55 pm

My ex is a beautiful plus-size model. I am 'svelte.' Her confidence was the reason she gave the most convincing strip-teases I've ever seen, even as a neo-burlesque fan. I just deleted the rest of this comment for propriety's sake.

Ham commented on Jan 21 10 at 4:10 am

Reading these comments THRILLED me. Not a lot of snarky 'get-her-a-gym-membership-or-a-moving-van' trolls. Thanks guys, from a skinny girl who has hated her body her whole life. Believe it or not, I feel a little better about it today.

Amy commented on Jan 21 10 at 4:50 pm

This is sort of a reverse situation, but still relevant: I'm a petite lady and I used to think the tall, broad and even slightly stocky guys were my "type." Then I met this guy who's only a few inches taller than I am, and who wears approximately the same size jeans. My assumption from the get-go was that I wouldn't be all that turned on by him in the bedroom. NOT SO!! He's absolutely the best I've ever had -- our bodies fit together so much better, it's easier to do... anything and everything. He's exceptionally generous, and enthusiastic and just knows how to USE IT, knowwhatI'msayin? Anyway, my point is that you just like what you like. It's not about body shape, it's about the person and the chemistry. Trust!!

Cassie commented on Jan 21 10 at 6:01 pm

@ govenment issues. You may well find he asks for these positions/acts because he find the idea of you in them/doing them very sexy. I too am a bit jiggly and I used to get self conscious about how my belly scrunched up under my boobs when we had sex with my legs on my boyfriends shoulders till one day he looked down and said something along the lines of (with expletives and very filthy explanations as to why removed) 'God your belly looks sexy right now!' best compliment ever! I'm betting that whatever part of you you're thinking is too fat, or jiggly or whatever he's probably salivating over :0)

Bettyboo commented on Jan 23 10 at 11:07 am

I am a skinny guy who looooooves curvy women. I've chubby-chased girls with varying degrees of body image issues, and I know firsthand that the more insecure a woman is, the less willing she is to accept compliments that acknowledge her body the way it is. Government Issues, if it would help you to have more positive reinforcement from your husband, ask yourself how easy you make it for him to say out loud exactly what he finds sexy about you. If he likes your curves but knows it will upset you if he says so, he's learned not to say so.

Steve commented on Jan 24 10 at 1:01 am

to that first woman... uh, honey, you ARE in a long-term relationship with this man, and you always have been. cut it loose or own it.

and to the second woman, i feel you sister. it's hard believing someone loves your body when you don't. i've felt like this for a while. then i decided to do stuff that makes me love my body - not dieting, really, but eating better, taking vitamins, drinking more water, getting off my fat ass and walking more. it's made me feel prettier, sexier, and better (sexier) in bed.

RG commented on Jan 24 10 at 8:53 am

Government Issues -- You may also try adjusting your own standards a bit. I say this as a fat woman. Not chubby, not "big boned," but fat. I have always been fat, even when I was playing on a nationally competitive sports team. It's the shape I am. I starved myself for several months at multiple points in my teens and early twenties, and the only result was that I was slightly less fat and felt super crappy. Faced with this, I decided I had to figure out how to deal with myself as I am. The things I've done that have made me feel more confident: swimming and yoga, looking at pictures of beautiful women of various sizes (the Fatshionista community on LiveJournal is full of larger women and some men looking fabulous), any kinds of projects involving physical activity (even painting rooms, I kick ass at painting rooms). In "My Gender Workbook, Kate Bornstein recommends treating yourself as you would treat an honored guest in your home and doing 3 things a day that make you feel competent. I recommend both of these tactics. Your husband loves you as you are. You should, too.

CAK commented on Jan 24 10 at 12:59 pm

As a big woman, I often catch myself wondering if a guy is into me, but the one thing I've learned is that if they come back for seconds then they love what they see and feel. You just need to keep that in your head. Repeat it to yourself over and over again.

Ciji commented on Jan 24 10 at 9:46 pm

Regarding this comment, "Or sometimes there’s a discrepancy between different aspects of their sexual selves: some men enjoy looking at skinny women in pictures (visual sense), but love to go to bed with curvy women because they like the feel of their curves (tactile sense). Some men like curvy women as sex objects, but like skinny women as status objects, which might seem strange but assuredly happens." This is EXACTLY how I feel about men! (I'm a woman.) I think skinny men are beautiful looking, but when it comes down to who I want to sleep with, I much prefer average or even overweight guys. They are more sensual and nicer to touch.

madison commented on Jan 29 10 at 7:39 pm

My weight tends to go up and down significantly every few years, and I've finally come to the following conclusion: I look better with my clothes ON when I'm skinny, but look better NAKED when I've got "jiggle"! :)

I'm pretty sure my boyfriend agrees- his favorite parts of my body are always the bits that tend to jiggle the most- they're just more touchable! That's pretty important. Think about it- guys tend to be particularly interested in breasts and butts, and those are both always a little jiggly.

Strawberry commented on Jan 30 10 at 3:48 am

You should lose weight instead of listening to all this self-serving propaganda about 'fat acceptance'. I weighed 115 pounds until recently, when I got pregnant (I'm 5'8 tall). As a result of having to give up smoking and change my diet, plus having no energy, at only 3 months pregnant I weigh close to 150 lbs, and I look and feel absolutely grotesque.

Although I still feel sexual desire, I resist having sex as much as possible because I hate the way my body looks and feels. I hate showering as I don't want to confront my own naked body. Getting dressed is hellish too as nothing looks good when you're this size.

I miss being lean, energetic, and flat-stomached, so so much. I don't care that my partner still finds me sexy and attractive - I can tell you for a fact that being this heavy is not attractive, naked or clothed, compared to being slim. And bigger breasts are no compensation for having thighs like tree trunks and a disgusting excess of flab on my belly.

EG commented on Feb 26 10 at 11:51 pm

who's read 'unready to wear?'
just have as much fun as you can with the body you're in.

cm commented on Mar 01 10 at 4:01 am

Dear Miss Information,

Dear Cannibal Kiss,

Dear Miss Information,

Dear Government Issues,

Comments ( 52 )

Leave a Comment