Savage Love

I can see where he's coming from, especially in the instance of the partner just not being into it. Would you rather a disinterested partner, maybe mildly creeped out by this kinky side of you but really into the vanilla OR the permission to indulge with someone into it and to work that energy into the vanilla sex. I'd rather the latter. Creepy sex you're not into where you're doing shit that doesn't turn you on benefits no one. There is compromise in Dan's answer-- just not the normal beaten path of "well he should just help you out from time to time."

Kinky people have kept a kinky partner on the DL for centuries. The only thing Dan is suggesting is that it's something you're open about with your main partner, instead of something everyone pretends not to know about.

Right. My partner I could take or leave, but without spankings, my life is meaningless. Got it.

You say that so glibly, but sex is VERY important to some people and if you aren't fulfilled (and sometimes spanking -or the power dynamic inherent in spanking- is a part of that fulfillment) you will not feel sufficiently close to your partner to sustain a relationship. Or in the case when it is something that you can somewhat easily go to professional for (BDSM stuff that doesn't involve actual sex, for example) why not try that out so that you aren't stressed and unhappy? Some people are kinky and vanilla sex isn't enough and Dan Savage is one of the few people not saying to just get used to it (either the kink or the boring sex) and try to do something radical about it without breaking up or being miserable. He's just a different voice, I don't think it's any more selfish to seek your preferred sexual release (with consent from a partner) then the other person in the relationship denying you (also selfish in a way.) It's just how some people are wired and it's just silly to ignore how important it can be.

"Most of these people who are writing in to this column either hid their needs from their partners or did not develop these needs until after they already became involved in relationships."
Bullshit. Only LW#1 did such, and Savage completely calls him out for it. He says, because he is not one to mince words, that the husband "screwed up."
"Some of them seem to be writing more about whims than long term desires."
They are all talking about desires that they have had for at least two years. That's hardly a whim.
" Then, late in the game, many of them are looking for permission to be manipulative bullies."
Only the first, and, again, Savage calls him out about it.
"Savage consistently argues that these wants and needs absolutely must be satisfied at any cost, even at one's long term partner's expense if need be."
What in the fuck are you even talking about? Savage explicitly told LW#1 that (s)he did not need to meet the every whim of the husband. Other than that, he worked within the permissions granted by S.O.s to their S.O.s (i.e., LW#1 agreed to a professional, LW#2 has no objections to the cervix-banging outside of health concerns, and for LW#3, he presents the option of opening up the relationship but also the equally valid option of slowly easing the partner into kinkier activities.
"Preserving a relationship is never, ever a priority over a desire in this column."
That's just obviously not true. In fact, the majority of the reason he argues for opening a relationship is in order to preserve it -- he has argued repeatedly that it is better to stay committed to a primary partner than to break up at the first sign of boredom.
"Sometimes, when you have relationships with other people, you need to compromise your needs with your partner's needs."
That's exactly what Savage's concept of being a GGG lover is all about.

Fuck, I'm not even a huge fan of his, but this attack was so incredibly off-base. Your critique had nothing to do with what he wrote.

@joyce, I think it's hilarious you get all huffy about people assuming things about your personal life but are doing exactly that to the people who write in. I usually see them as people trying to fix mistakes they've made and navigate the messiness of relationships. I'll respect your wishes and not assume how great yours must be since you're totally honest about what you want and that will never change.

If you do read this column regularly I'd think you'd know that Dan's not a fan of manipulative bullies. Yes, people can make mistakes by not laying their kink cards on the table, or they can develop new kinks as they grow older. Given the way that society treats any non-vanilla sexuality, it's understandable that a person could remain closeted about their particular kink until they trust their partner enough to share it, especially if they've had a negative reaction to it in the past. (Just like they could be a closeted gay, get married and have kids, then break up their home when they realize they've been living a lie that society told them to.) So how is having an evolving sexual taste a crime? If you feel like you need to explore a part of who you are and what you want, your partner can come with you, or let you go do it on your own with their blessing if that means you'll come back to them. That's what I see Dan saying. I get the feeling that you're of the mindset that once you make a commitment to a relationship, that relationship should supersede anything else. But up to what point and to what end? If you're not happy, and your partner's not willing to make you happy, is that a partner worth keeping? Maybe you should stop judging what an acceptable reason for other people to end their relationships since it's not the end of the world. You sound like a therapist in the 40's telling some housewife that being a mother is more important than personal fulfillment or gratification.

Did you even read Dan's last reply? He told the guy waiting for his partner to come around to his kink could be the way to go. Preserving the relationship. And your third paragraph answers itself, so I kinda feel like I'm answering a crazy person anyway. But yeah, if you've missed that Dan has called for compromise before, and calls out liars and cheaters, and advocates honesty in relationships, I don't know what you're looking for in an advice columnist, but you should probably just go read someone else.

Joyce, I think you've identified the problem: you're too young, and probably a bit inexperienced. Real relationships are necessarily more complex than you make them out to be; they don't operate according to a binary decision making process. While you suggest that people who do not align sexually can respect limits or move on, you can see from these letters that none of the participants in their admittedly imperfect relationships actually wants to leave. Boundaries should be respected, but they can also be negotiated over time, and it's perfectly possible--and even likely--that those boundaries will change, so it's always worth keeping a conversation going. And only a young person would be so optimistic about the internet solving all our loneliness, isolation, and sexual frustration, and so skeptical about the fact that social pressures do still influence people to conceal, and even deny, their desires.

Me and my husband are like that too. We talk about EVERYTHING. Even things that neither of us are interested in just to get the topic out there and to find out if either of are into it. Communication is key!