Please Advise: My boyfriend is too well-endowed for me.
Hooksexup readers help out with one woman’s too-much-of-a-good-thing problem.
Each week, the inbox of our venerable advice columnist, Miss Information, is flooded with queries. And although she makes a valiant effort, she cannot answer them all. To deal with the surplus, we've decided to turn to you. So, don your spectacles and help this woman out. You can give her advice in the comments below, or, if you'd like to share what you wrote with your friends, on our Facebook page.
Dear Hooksexup,
My boyfriend of over a year and I had a great sex life. I stress the word "had,” because we’ve run into something of a problem. The problem? He's huge. Our first time, he nearly split me in half, and although I felt like I adjusted, several months later it was so painful I would cry and have to stop. I've seen doctors, who can't seem to find any solution or give me any advice.
I'm otherwise very open to pleasing him. I give him oral, hand jobs (neither of us are into anal) and encourage him to watch porn or do whatever he needs to do. But he really misses the sex. My concern is that he will eventually go elsewhere if he can't get it from me, and it would break my heart. He says he wouldn't do that, but who knows how long we'll have to go before I'll be able to have real sex again?
Can you give me any advice on how to have less painful sex? Am I torn or broken? Is there anything I can do to heal faster? Any tips or advice you can give would help tremendously.
— Square Peg, Round Hole
Commentarium (46 Comments)
Use lots of lubrication and go slowly. I had the same problem and can say from experience that your vagina will eventually stretch out enough (your boyfriend's penis is most likely not as big as a baby).
oh, and it took me about a year before it was comfortable.
Watch a video on fisting. And then apply those lessons to P in V.
OR just have him actually fist you and then fuck you.
Some specific advice:
1) Whenever possible, you should have an orgasm before having vaginal intercourse with him. Loosens them vaginal muscles right up, and the endorphins won't hurt either. He can give you one, or you can spice things up by making him watch or banishing him to another room while you give yourself one.
2) He can also have an orgasm beforehand. The both of you know lots of ways to do this, as you've written. You can make a game out of this one too, in a way that either avoids the emotional discomfort that builds up around your problem, or in a way that puts it right on the table. What do I mean? Sex is full of chances for silliness and games that can de-stress situations in a variety of ways. You can be "punished" for having such a delicate vagina that it can't take his man-meat, and your punishment can be being "made" to give him blow jobs or hand jobs, or watch as he gets himself off, depriving you of his pulsing organ. Or it can be him who has to do penance, for mistreating your wondrous vagina with his clumsy tool, and his penance can be to go off and masturbate alone, or to give you copious amounts of oral, or ... you get the idea.
(I seriously hope everyone gets the joking tone of the post here but, you never know.)
3) He can wear a smaller strap-on, or fist you.
The point is that, for both of you, you have to have a mental reframing of vaginal intercourse: you're no longer dining at a restaurant which serves Vaginal Intercourse as the only entrée offer, which you must decline and then leave hungry. Nope: you're dining at a much more flexible restaurant. Sometimes you'll both be eating Small Plates of oral/manual/strap-on/fisting/etc. Sometimes each of you will have an orgasm for your Pasta entrée, and intercourse will be the Secondi, when you're both full and happy and the intercourse is just prolonging the experience.
4) As far as vaginal goes, there are positions that offer less- deep, and more-deep, thrusting. Doggy style allows for deeper penetration, woman-on-top less so. There are tons of sex books that illustrate the ways that angle, positioning, adding pillows or other props, etc, can change things up for you.
Similarly, he doesn't always have to penetrate you fully. Maybe sometimes he gets to penetrate you as far as is comfortable for you.
5) Not everyone will go for this one, but: you could also try pegging him with a strap-on, to get him a sense of what it can feel like to be on the receiving end of penetration. Empathy is a great thing in a relationship.
Happy fucking! Please write back to Hooksexup and let us know how this goes.
This is excellent advice! There's nothing else I can add, other than follow this :) And ignore Noah below!
Thanks, Another Thought! I've had that problem but as you said: making myself come beforehand, using lots of lube, as well as frequency mixed in with foreplay and games makes for great sex now. :-)
Either let him fuck your pussy or watch him eventually fuck someone else's pussy.
Those are your only choices.
Is Panda Bear of Animal Collective fame trolling sex advice comment sections now? Get back in the studio please.
Noah,
Are you, by any chance, hoping to engage in meaningful relationships with humans any time soon?
Hopefully Noah is using his real name and any woman who was considering fucking him is reading this. I mean obviously he's just being annoying and trolly, but the particular form of annoying he came up with does speak to a certain lack of . . . prowess.
Is this really a problem?
Make him not put it in so much, use a big dildo to stretch yourself and after you have had sex with your boyfriend with the ginormous dick make sure you make donations to charities that help men with baby dicks.
Those people have the real problem you know.
....wow.
It's just like anal: If it hurts, you're rushing it. Slow down and have a few orgasms before penetration.
Or get counseling. Writing, "...who knows how long we'll have to go before I'll be able to have real sex again?" makes it sound like there are deeper (ahem) issues involved.
"neither of us are in to anal" Phew!
Have you looked into vestibulitis as the cause? https://www.uihealthcare.com/depts/med/obgyn/patedu/vulvarvaginaldisease/...
I think you just shed some light on my issue with my girlfriend?!
thanks!
It's been a long hard road coming to terms with it, but I know that I am not alone.
this helped me out too, thanks so much!!!
I've had a similar experience with a previous gf. That relationship did end much due to the fact that we couldn't have a normal sex life but also because I felt she didn't make any effort to follow many of the advices given by "another thought" among others, i.e. to expand the notion of sex to much, much more than just vaginal penetration. She basically refused to try anything, anal, oral, you name it (some of you already have). I felt that the absent sex and the absent effort both pushed me away.
She later was told me that her new bf was smaller than I and it wasn't an issue any longer. Good for her. Good for me to, I found another woman who better matched me in every way.
get to know it, lots of liking, lots of stroking, lots of lube and take it slowly. You don't have to take it al at once and if you or your boyfriend want to go fast and deep that will come as you both relax. Use your hand and your vagina to make him feel fully there, again, lots of lube. I hope it works out for you guys xx
My recommendation? Go to the sexytime store and get a dildo about the size of your boyfriend's equipment. Also get some lube. Then you can experiment with positions and placement on your own time and that will take a lot of the pressure off. Mr. FantasticPlasticDong won't get emotionally involved, which can free up your head to work out the logistics on your own time and within your own comfort zone. On your own, you might be able to work out what angles are most comfortable and slowly work yourself up to penetration in that size range.
My advice: Date a white guy instead.
Touché.
Is the pain from him hitting your cervix or from him feeling too wide (or both)?
If it's from him seeming too long, more foreplay should help a lot: most vaginas get much longer, thereby providing more room, when turned on. Can also try putting your or his hand at the base of his penis so less length is available to penetrate you (I have a jaw that locks, and use that trick during BJs.)
If it's that he's too thick, relaxation (through foreplay or mental exercises or a hot bath or whatever) in addition to using extra lube should help. Working up to it by practicing with more and more fingers or bigger and bigger dildos might help too, mainly by helping you not feel panicked that something *that big* is going *in there.*
PS: it totally makes sense you'd tense up since you've been hurt from sex with him before. Unfortunately your vaginal muscles tensing makes the opening smaller, which adds additional pain. Things should get MUCH better once you've figured out something (anything!) that allows you to have painless sex with him once... it'll get easier and easier after that!! :-)
I have had that problem and what everyone has said about getting used to it and building up to intercourse has been true for me. Also, different positions make a big difference, as well as holding the base of his penis sometimes so that my cervix isn't getting banged too hard.
I want to add that sometimes things will be great for a while, and then sometimes intercourse will just hurt too much and I have to stop. But then the next time, it is fine again, so don't be afraid to try again.
Also, do you come during vaginal intercourse? If you don't and you're not expecting an orgasm during intercourse, then I can see that it would also hurt more since you're not going to be as turned on, and I've found that the more turned on I am, the less likely it is that intercourse will hurt.
Bottom line, like people said above: find out what works for you and what turns you on, cause if you don't do that first, then you won't be able to feel comfortable with pushing new limits.
Wow.... what a terrible problem omggg my boyfriends dick is too big. give me a break.
I've been there. It SUCKS. Sex before was fun and always felt amazing. Then suddenly it was stressful and uncomfortable and made me sore and hurt. And it was insanely frustrating, because I didn't WANT to have to "go slow" and "stretch out first" and all that other stuff. I just wanted to have sex, damn it! I eventually broke up with the guy.
I have the same problem. We usually have sex lying on our sides, like spooning, with him entering from behind. That seems to prevent him from going in too deeply and bumping my cervix (youch!), and also from thrusting too much. He can also play with my clit and boobs. It feels good for him because I can lock my legs together for more pressure on him. Try to get both of you close before having intercourse so he's not pounding away for a half hour. If it starts to hurt then stop because the tearing/fissures just screw you up for awhile and make you not want sex.
There are certain positions which will cause him to not go so deep (though you can't help wideness much). Look them up. Also, kegel exercises will probably help you have a more flexible vagina.
If part of the problem is that vaginal doesn't turn you on enough to make your body adapt for more room, try adding some extras to sex...have you or him use hands or vibrator on your clit during sex.
Lots of people helpfully suggest lube to deal with the thickness issue. My experience is that the liquid lubes provide much less unpleasant friction than the gels. The water-based lubes evaporate in 10 minutes or so, so they need to be re-applied, but the newer silicon-based liquid lubes last a little longer. Also, beforehand, he can go down on you orally, with fingers or dildos, to you to help you with those preliminary orgasms others recommend. If you are able to give him oral, as you say, your vagina, if really ready, will be able to accommodate whatever your mouth can accommodate. Good luck. You have us all fantasizing about your future exploits.
If you got used to it, but are now having problems, maybe you're not into him any more. Your letter didn't talk about the other aspects of your relationship, but it's possible that you just don't feel a strong sexual connection with him, and that's why sex is becoming painful.
Some men have large penises and don't warn you in advance. Dump him, find another one.
Hi there, I can relate to your story and for me, finding out about this (https://www.hsperson.com/) was major. You may be extra sensitive downstairs, and elsewhere too, if you have a high degree of sensory-processing sensitivity. It's not a bad thing, you just need to understand and treasure it. It sounds odd, but check it out. Now I know why some things can be painful/uncomfortable for me but not for most others. The flipside is that pleasure can be more intense... Take care :)
I think focusing on the mental aspect of sex is especially important. It sounds like both of you probably know how everything works on the mechanical side. But fear of pain or pressure to perform (from either of you) can really affect things.
Most vaginas should be able to stretch pretty far under the right circumstances. A previous partner of mine was roughly the size of a horse, which was no impediment to daily quickies. Due to some mental hangups developed further down the track, I now often struggle to accommodate my average-sized partner, no matter how much lube or foreplay is involved. Once you start worrying, it just isn't going to happen.
Another Thought's advice on flexible meal plans is a good one. You might find that both of you have to move away from the social ideal of vaginal intercourse for every meal. In my case I found that it also helped me be less stressed about vaginal when it does actually happen. :)
Re: healing. You said you've seen doctors- have you been examined for tearing or scarring? To my knowledge vaginas heal themselves rather well though.
Pure aloe vera gel (applied externally) has helped me sometimes after excessively tense sessions where I've experienced tearing- make sure you use a brand without alcohol/perfume. A warm bath or hot water bottle on your stomach can help relax things, which is useful both before and after. Plain yoghurt or acidophilus capsules, applied internally, can help with bacteria levels and in turn with overall vaginal health- it might help speed any healing along too. If there aren't any good GPs or gynecologists in your area, maybe an... obstetrician? could give you advice in this area.
Sorry to write so much- it seems like we have a similar problem, and some of these things have really helped me.
The most important thing? If you start trying to have sex, and it starts hurting, STOP and unwind- do something relaxing and fun and distracting. If all you can think about is how much last time hurt no amount of fisting in a hot yoghurt bath or whatever is going to help.
Been there. Have a glass of wine or two (no more) before your next attempt. Also, seriously evaluate whether you're really happy in the relationship. If not, then your body might be trying to tell you something.
vaginismus-awareness-network.org. This isn't necessarily what you have, but it has a lot of good resources and practical instructions for anyone dealing with pain during intercourse.
Also, if you are on hormonal birth control, that could be the culprit. Yes, even if you have been on it for awhile and didn't have problems before. I was on it for two years, and started having pain after about a year and a half. Went to three different doctors and one physical therapist and it wasn't until the fourth doctor that this was even mentioned as a possible cause, even though its a known side effect of prolonged hormonal birth control use. The vaginal tissues, for many women, weaken and atrophy, causing pain. So if you're on the pill or the ring or the patch or the shot, think about going off it. I did and about a month later I was pain free.
Sometimes, some very well-endowed guys are just not going to fit into some tight, little girls. Once upon a time it was a deal breaker for me. Too many creative accommodations can just plain spoil the fun.
Put it in the butt
Butt butt
Put it in the butthole
WTF Harold ? If he's just too wide, most women will adjust. If he's just too long and he's CRAZY long like 28 cms, I'd recommend seeing if he wants a reduction lengthwise. Don't make it slimmer, I don't know about the side effects. Get it reduced where there are fewer Hooksexups, midway along the shaft. (Otherwise, I'd recommend lots and lots and lots of lube and maybe less thrusting. One way to achieve this is simply more what is considered to be foreplay - more oral and hand jobs or breast jobs and less vaginal insertion and preferably AFTER you orgasm. Clitoral orgasms are usually the most achievable for women, although G spot orgasms (ONLY with your bf's fingers/tongue, penis would be too much most likely) are the ones that reduce your sense of pain. Good luck !
I find the term "well endowed" curious.
Just to follow up on the vestibulodynia/vulvodynia idea, I have some small issues with vestibulodynia (where pain is specifically confined to the vestibular area), and one of the treatment ideas is often lidocaine jelly. My doctor recommended it for me, and it worked like a charm!!! Apply to the vestibular area and just inside five minutes before sex (or riding a bike, or whatever), and have a terrific time.
I had the exact same problem. Me on top always worked out best (and this guy was huge, when his friends asked why I was dating him, I jokingly grabbed a baseball bat half way down and smiled...the thing was that I was hardly exaggerating.)
Get high. Seriously.
I've learned always to make him pull out if i'm in the slightest uncomfortable pain. My dr sais that it can become a thing, that the pain is associated with sex. Really hard to get away from once the stress -> pain -> more stress -> more pain spiral is there. But other then that I think "Another thought" pretty much said it all.