True Stores: Triangulation - I've had more threesomes than dates. - Page 2

Those awkward beginnings are why I've historically been reluctant to date. I don't want to have to explain who I am, what I've done. I've found that once the person you're fucking knows you're sexually flexible, their perception of what you have to offer becomes reductive. Which is another thing that makes a threesome so appealing: the rules for what constitutes multiple-partner sex haven't really been written, so any hang-ups I may have when I'm sleeping with someone disappear when that someone is pluralized. The kink and experimentation I dream of in my one-on-one sex life emerges with ease in a threesome. Bondage, exhibitionism, toys — broach the subject in a threesome, and it's on. But with a boyfriend? A girlfriend? Not a chance. Some things are way too personal.

The first time I realized how hard my odd sexual history was going to make regular dating was two years ago. I was in bed with a boy I'd been friends with for a while. We were talking about old roommates, graduation. Out of nowhere, he asks, "Did you ever hook up with Noël and James?"

"No. Why?" I said.

He got flustered while I propped myself up on one elbow, staring him down for an explanation. Maybe he was hoping I'd have a story about something that was hotter than the sex we were trying to have together.

"I don't know," he said. "It just seems like something that would have just . . . happened."

A few months later, he was shocked when, after a party, I turned down his suggestion that we "go join them," unsolicited.

"I don't want to fuck them," I said, "I want to fuck you." But his disappointment was palpable, and I didn't, not that night. We broke up shortly afterward.

It was a turning point. The social politics of coupling and self-identification had begun to creep into the picture. And now, I've started to notice that the relationships around me — the twosomes — are more fortified, less porous. The propositions have begun to change. I'll be drinking with a couple, and one of them will nervously chuckle something to the effect of, "Yeah, we were talking about our hypothetical threesome wish list, and you're totally our number one. Isn't that funny?"

These aren't invitations to sexual exploration. They're requests for a favor, wherein I'll be a one-time antidote to this particular couple's sexual ennui: I push from the bumper while they pop the clutch. This doesn't do much for my self-esteem, as you can imagine. Now that I'm older, I can't help but dwell on the possible reasons I've been asked on lots of threesomes, but actual dates not so much.

Part of it is reputation, sure. Part of it's just me placing myself in the likely situations. But there's also that vibe — just as I can sense when a couple is angling for a threesome, they can sense I'm in, too. Even if I don't really want to be anymore. Half of me wants to grow out of this, find a single, solitary person and hunker down for the long haul. The other half can't let go of that ideal, the nostalgia for the time when being the third meant being a significant other.

Comments ( 18 )

really delightful ... nicely done.

ted commented on Apr 21 08 at 6:51 am

Great article... but maybe poly is the way to go. Some people aren't built for monogamy, and being the unicorn in a threesome isn't the only way to hook up with more than one person...

snm commented on Apr 21 08 at 11:47 pm

good work, c-mac

om commented on Apr 21 08 at 2:59 pm

Ditto on the more 3's than dates. I like being the go-to girl for a variety of things; it makes me feel worldly when someone asks me if I know anyone who can obtain fake passports or if I can find anyone to tie them up and beat them with a hairbrush. I love the intimacy of couples but feel like I lack the honesty necessary for coupling, never mind monogamy. So 3's are awesome. But afterwards when they are going through their usual post-climactic routines that don't have a ready niche for me it can be a bit lonely.

Thea commented on Apr 22 08 at 10:03 am

can you do this sober? if so, where's the problem? very few people can handle a situation this complex. you can. take joy in it. explore your strengths.

dwp commented on Apr 25 08 at 12:30 pm

really interesting article..

ja commented on Apr 25 08 at 6:54 pm

I think you were on to something when you talked about being sort of a "beacon" for threesomes. Any time people talk about a theme in how people treat them, I always look at body language cues. Perhaps you adopt a more "open" posture when talking to couples. Or maybe you just appear more "closed" when talking to single guys (or girls). Other people pick up on this stuff without even realizing it.

My guess is that if what you truly want is a threesome and not a one-on-one, you are going to signal this whether you want to or not.

asdf commented on May 06 08 at 12:25 am

While I can't really relate to the article, I really enjoyed your writing. I think "...I'll be a one-time antidote to this particular couple's sexual ennui: I push from the bumper while they pop the clutch." was especially good.

mp commented on May 08 08 at 10:17 am

hey y'all,
i just wanted to thank everyone for the feedback - it's not always easy to pry open your sex life for strangers, but i'm glad to know some folks out in the ether have gotten something out of it.
besitos,
caitlin

cmac commented on May 12 08 at 12:01 pm

I can both relate to the attraction of the threeway and the social awkwardness of presenting it to friends and family. The act itself is a wonderful moment that I'm not inclined to discuss with anyone who isn't part of the act. I'm sure my parents really don't want to hear about my 'deviant' behavior and my SO blasphemous actions.

As part of an established couple I am repeatedly pleasantly surprised when our single female friends come to us. The girl talk, apparently, is that we are better as a couple (emotionally and physically) than the single men and women they date.

I find that the women that join us do put out a more welcoming energy to us as a couple than they do to singles. Our attitude is one of openness. We don't advertise in any way to anyone blatantly, but we are definitely receptive both as individuals and as a couple.

We would gladly form a triad or closed circle if we found the right fit, but it is all about the energy that three people add.

rb commented on Jun 26 09 at 3:10 pm

An open sexuality --one you are proud of, not shame-ridden about-- is a wonderful, and rare, thing. Your statement: "The propositions have begun to change" struck a chord with me, and I know exactly what you mean. Unfortunately, many of those whom claim to be open to a threesome are actually inhibited in other ways; they fear attachment (or feelings of any sort, other than what they have been conditioned to believe are perverse).

It was not always this way. The threesome of today was the m

EPH commented on Oct 07 09 at 3:15 am

My apologies; I had not realised that paragraphs were not formatted automatically, thus my well-structured, multiple-paragraph comment became what you see above. This is aggravating for me, so I wanted to point out that I did not do it on purpose. I assure anyone who may have taken one look at my comment and wanted to close their eyes in order to protect from the visual assault of improper structure and endless words, that huge, long comments written as one solid sm

EPH commented on Oct 07 09 at 3:34 am

Caitlin,
:)
It was a real pleasure reading about your personal experiences with fmf threesomes. Have you ever had any mfm experiences? Also, could you please share some facial photos so that I can see who this tremendous writer is? E-mail:

Peace and love, always
GM~

GM commented on Nov 30 09 at 12:41 am

Lovely writing, and very interesting. I wish you all the best in your endeavors!

CDW commented on Jan 18 10 at 4:01 pm

A very well written piece. We are a comitted triad, practicing poly fidelity as it were. The primary couple (my wife and I) have been with several single women before we met our current 3rd over three years ago. Really, from being on the other side of your situation and having seen many other peoples expereinces, it's not just you or your signals. In todays world sexuality is not such a taboo subject, people of both sexes can enjoy sex and not be thought of like total perverts. Not so much anyway, some people will never "grow up". But really, the truth is that there are as many different reasons for looking for a 3rd as there are people looking. As you get older and find yourself mingling with people of the same age you'll likely find, as you already have, that attitudes change, and with that comes risks. As these people grow out of the need for rampant friction, they develop more of a focus on thier long term partner. This is not a bad thing, but a large percentage of people that have been players in the past find that one of them isn't into it anymore and you start running into more & more people that are just trying to make eachother happy. Sure, you can have fun, but will there be drama during/after? You do need to watch for signs of drama more and more as time goes on, and really, while fun for 1-nighters that you'll never see again, pushing from the bumper can be a bad expereince. Couples that think opening up thier sex life will save it are frequently a tornado in search of a trailer park,... The percentage of people that can keep having random sexual experiences while in a dedicated relationship narrows as they age and life changes around them. You yourself seem to be a lot like our 3rd, she'd like a one on one relationship, but because of her sexual past and it's effect on people, and the fact she's very bi, it just makes sense to be with people that aren't going to worry about all that and be able to feed her desires. As a couple we provide her with everything she could ever get out of a relationship with either sex, but in one place. She says she's just greedy, maybe she's right. Who knows, maybe one day, while being hit on by some couple, you too will find those people that just feel right, things fall into place, and you find yourself with a happy family like we did. :)

DJ&J commented on Apr 01 10 at 7:47 am

just wanted to let you know that I think it's hilarious that this is the first thing that comes up when I google my name....b/c we have the same name. First and last.

cait commented on Sep 14 10 at 8:53 pm

Your writing is simple great, Especially for beginners!

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