Charlie Sheen performs to sea of boos in Detroit

Charlie Sheen began his national "Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat Is Not an Option" tour by exporting himself to Detroit this weekend for a night of... something, but mainly just booing.

As the New York Times reports, Sheen was welcomed with "frenzied cheers" — and then he opened his mouth. During his brief performance, he: delivered his "Manny-festo," read a letter written by one of his live-in goddesses, and tried to helm a question-and-answer session, which eventually just "petered out."

Fans of cringing can take a glance at some of the show's lowlights, courtesy of The Hollywood Reporter: 

1. Telling the audience this seemed like the right city to score some crack. To say this didn't go over well is an understatement.

2. Taunting hecklers by telling them they bought tickets without knowing what they were getting. Not a good plan to tell an audience they made a bad investment.

3. Killing time by showing RPG (Rocket Propelled Grenade), a 1986 film "about redemption" that Sheen wrote and directed, with Clint Howard and a young Johnny Depp. When loud booing cut the film short, Sheen said, "OK, so RPG's a bomb. Whatever. Tonight is an experiment."

4. Boasting to a hostile crowd about his new app, called The Masheen: "Let's see, I have an app, you guys have zero." Nobody likes paying premium prices for schoolyard one-upmanship.

5. Cutting to a musical break to allow the audience to "wake up" and then not returning afterwards. When the houselights came up abruptly, the audience looked shellshocked, though the smartest thing Sheen did all night was deciding not to take a bow.

Perhaps he and The Situation should team up or something. Anyway, you should know that I refuse to end this post with any sort of "#winning" joke, because those were always never funny.