Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
Capricious Uranus teams up with pugnacious Mars this week, thereby making April 15 a lousy day for sadomasochistic play. Trust us: Those nipple clamps that hurt so good on Monday will put the pinch on your relationship come Wednesday. Sticks and stones may turn you on, but an angry word in the heat of passion will hurt like hell. Play it vanilla and trust in the immortal words of Sir Elton — Saturday night’s all right for fighting.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
This Wednesday, expect to find a friend betwixt Uranus (obligatory snort) and Mars — that is, expect a friend to pull the old Jekyll-and-Hyde routine. With your pal under the thrall of unpredictable all-father and fiery war god, anticipate anything from your buddy from burned bridges to buddy. Yes, buddy from a buddy. You remember that De La Soul song, right? Philistine.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
As with Aries and Taurus, you are in the clutches of Uranus (double obligatory snort) and Mars. For Geminis, the planets promise a Wednesday of volatile fun analogous to the time-tested party trick of pounding shots of Everclear. Your initiative could impress a cute bystander or leave you hugging a toilet, lachrymose and yak-stained. Above all, avoid your boss. Your peppiness will come off as brown-nosing, your silent diligence as a hangover.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
Uranus and Mars are stealing everyone else’s lunch money, but you’re a made man. Why? You’ve got yourself a bodyguard…865,000 miles tall. Yes, dear Cancer, the Sun is in your corner, and he’s lifting those planets up by their Keds and shaking the good news out of their Jordaches. Keep in mind that your solar Judd Nelson is around for only thirteen hours — ill tidings can still wedgie you under the bleachers come dusk.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
April 15 brings a financial future shock — incoming funds are hamstrung and surprise bills will not thrill. We won’t point any fingers, but let’s just say the names of those planets responsible rhyme with “Shpluranus” and “Shplmars.” Buck up. May brings a financial windfall, so cut back on those Grappatinis with truffle-infused fleur de sel and keep your nest egg hardboiled like Mickey Spillane.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
Tune in, Boppers. The midweek humpty-hump delivers you a stone-cold surprise as Mars’ mosey downtown upsets circumstances in your love department. But that ain’t all, listeners. Uranus and his furies have come out to pla-a-a-a-ay, and the Big U will be swangin’ and bangin’ all the way from Wednesday to Union Square. Keep hush-hush and you’ll be to Coney Island by sun-up. Can you dig it?
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
Trouble is a-“foot”. Uranus and Mars, mutually in charge of strife and unpredictability, will be aligned in Pisces. Pisces governs your feet, Libra. This means you’re at risk of everything from plain old gout to having your brand new loafers run over by a steamroller. See if you can go the entire day without your feet touching the ground or, better yet, enter yourself into an experimental weapons program and have your foot bones reinforced with indestructible adamantium. Foot fetishists love Wolverine, so you should be good to go. Trek never lies.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Much like drowning in quicksand, getting things done can be a process that’s as horrifying as it is time-consuming. Venus normalizes its orbit on Friday, which should grease the wheels a bit and help you get stuff done. With the help of the cosmos, your work can now proceed with the rapid-fire elegance of drowning in a choppy, icy river.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
It’s hard to withhold your feelings, especially when yours are so much more valid and noteworthy than everyone else’s. You may find it difficult to hold back this week. That’s Uranus’ fault. I’d advise you not to keep your feelings bottled up, lest they come flowing out when you least expect it. Bottles do a fine job of keeping their contents from spilling. Bottle away, Sagittarius, and tell your therapist the stars told you to do it.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
It’s a story worthy of Kafka: You’ve been sitting in your room all winter looking for a reason to get out of the house, but you’re broke and don’t have any friends. Wednesday forces you to travel a great distance against your will. No matter what “sensitive” people might say, there’s something a little exhilarating about getting kidnapped. It beats turning into a cockroach or going on trial for an imaginary crime.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Amid a global economic crisis, it’s easy to forget about everything that doesn’t involve stockpiling canned goods, buying generators and watching America’s Next Top Model. Be sure to keep half an eye on your own finances, however, as Wednesday will provide a financial shock. Of course, small-time money matters will inevitably pale in comparison to the shock of losing your job or, say, London or Celia getting eliminated.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
The British poet John Donne considered the elephant “nature’s great masterpiece” and “the only harmless great thing.” This week is a good time for you to buy something major and, when it comes to big purchases, you could certainly do worse than a pachyderm. You could also buy something nice for a loved one, but if you’re at all like me, once you’ve got the idea of purchasing an elephant in your head it’s awfully hard to think of anything or anyone else.
