Scanner by Sarah Hepola and Nicole Pasulka Today on Hooksexup's culture blog: Hayden Panettiere takes on Michelle Pfeiffer in a kittens v. cougars "Who Would You Rather?" challenge.
Screengrab by Peter Smith Today on Hooksexup's movie blog: Anthony Hopkins' directorial debut. Plus, Movies We Missed: Thumbsucker. /film lounge/
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
If you can manage to avoid the many pitfalls this week of revelry could bring, you'll find that 2007 is shaping up to be a nice piece of ass. The first pitfall to avoid may be that person you "kissed" at midnight, if such a quaint expression can describe the things the two of you did with Ryan Seacrest chattering in the background. Don't let the knowledge that this will be a sexy year make you rush into anything — or anyone — you'll regret next week.
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Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You're brighter than you've a right to be, given the amount of alcohol that's passed through your body in recent weeks. Instead of being fuzzy and slow, your mind is running on all cylinders. Finding someone who can keep up with you and your ambitious plans will prove difficult this week, but forge ahead. Fucking someone's hangover away just might endear you to them for days to come.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Given the weather, this promises to be a week of purely indoor sexual entertainment. Soon, the days of naked romps in the juniper bushes and blowjobs on rooftops will be here again, so for now, soak up the warm and cozy sex that takes place in bedrooms and living rooms on mattresses and pull-out couches. At least there are no meddlesome cops or raccoons in your apartment.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
Just because you-know-who resolved to service you daily in 2007 doesn't mean they'll stick to the plan. Just like resolutions to quit smoking or tithe a portion of your paycheck to Greenpeace, sex-related promises should be taken with a grain of salt. People are fallible, so don't allow one person too much domain over your pelvic satisfaction. Keep your options open, make backup plans and keep a jar of Vaseline handy.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
After the big, wet, frothy ejaculations of Champagne are splurted and drained, it's time to get past the pomp and refocus on the smaller things this week. Review details like the names of your partners and that one particular erogenous zone that makes you nearly pass out every time. Restock your condom supply. Trying too hard to try to recapture the merriment of last week's festivities will only lead to disappointment.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
Old-movie-style hookups will work wonders for you this week. They loathe each other, they reject each other, they even go to elaborate lengths to confuse and upset each other. Then, once the crying begins, they come in and kiss each other hard on the mouth. This model, since rejected for leading to all sorts of unfortunate psychological breakdowns, will be just the formula to get you laid this week if you can find someone who's equally enthusiastic about such manipulative courting.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
I'm one of the eight people who probably watched the recent Kennedy Center Honors broadcast, during which Andrew Lloyd Webber repeatedly unhinged his jaw in ecstasy at hearing his own songs. You'll be Webber-ish this week, surveying your own body with awe, reveling in the orgasm you caused in your partner. Look what I made! Look how glorious it is! But keep in mind that just as Sarah Brightman's pristine and sexless voice made Webber who he is, that quivering person beneath you is just as responsible for their own pleasure as you are. Don't take all the credit.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
Oh, how often an elaborate sexual scenario gets bogged down in logistics. Whose house to use? What music to put on? Should we lay down plastic sheeting? It's tempting to leave all these considerations to fate, but plans need a decider if they're going to have a chance at success. Be game enough to volunteer to go by Sherwin Williams for supplies, and events should proceed swimmingly.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
You're down with adventure, but getting live chickens involved gives you pause. That's understandable. This week, your desire for excitement may run up against a wall as people make plans you aren't comfortable with. Realize how silly it is to feel like you need to do things simply to feel cool. They stole that chicken idea from Pink Flamingos anyway.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
James Brown's recent passing was super depressing. You may mourn the passing of his sexual equivalent in your life: their polyrhythmic strokes, their sweaty intensity, and the screams of ecstasy! My God, the howling screams! They may be gone from your life, but don't forget that you were the Clyde Stubblefield to their sexual output, and you had a great deal to do with their success. It's time to allow yourself to be sampled by others.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Like Times Square, your pelvis will be overrun with revelers this week. Despite your normally athletic ability to deal with all this attention, you'll be a bit worn out. Deal with the hordes of tourists on a case-by-case basis, and don't overdo it — Valentine's Day is right around the corner.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Just like the late Gerald Ford, you didn't ask to be the focus of all this sexual attention. In fact, you were never even elected by your admirers. Greatness was thrust upon you, as they say. Therefore, it falls to you this week to clean up the messes left by others. It's going to be tough servicing all these politically jaded, economically disenfranchised individuals, but someone's got to do it.
