Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
It’s time to stem the tide of mediocrity flowing from you like a terrible river. Tuesday’s new moon is the key. It will open up creative and personal possibilities for you. You’ll be so productive that you may actually surprise yourself, which is what I assume John Lennon meant when he claimed to have the “diarrhea of creativity.” Pretty? No. But anything that relates you to John Lennon is a step in the right direction.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
We’ve all got problems. This time of year, it’s clear your New Year’s Resolution didn’t fool anyone. This week’s new moon provides a great chance to turn over a new leaf and kick a bad habit. If you don’t have any bad habits, kick a good habit. Being able to quit something builds character. This means no more ex-sex booty calls, people!
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
You’re at work and wondering what would happen if you faked a seizure. You’re considering committing a crime just so you can go to jail. Yes, it’s been a rough month professionally, Taurus, but this week brings an opportunity to rest. See some of the friends you’ve been neglecting. That so-called friend is ready to be more: they’re ready to be a so-called friend with benefits! They may also be hatching a scheme that culminates in you working yourself to death a la Amadeus. You’ve been warned.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
In spite of what your family has been telling you, you’re not stupid. The first half of this week, Mercury, your guardian planet, will fall in line with Jupiter, causing a glut of good intellectual news. This may well be the beginning of your own personal Künstlerroman. Or you might learn what “Künstlerroman” means.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
Arthur C. Clarke claimed an elevator to space would be built fifty years after everyone stopped laughing. It’s been about forty-five, but you’re out of time! The city you live in is boring and it’s time to leave it. Tuesday’s new moon will provide just the atmosphere of transience and renewal needed for travel. The economic climate has made even the most frivolous trips affordable, so make plans for two and pack your nice underwear.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
If no news is good news, then a new moon — which appears as no moon — is good news. Don’t let Tuesday’s lunar vanishing act concern you, Leo. This new moon will ameliorate negotiations that may have been deadlocked up until now. The 24th is a good day to finally decide whether to paint the bedroom egg cream or egg shell, or sign a nuclear non-proliferation treaty. Whatever you got lined up.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
Beware the venomous sting of a Scorpio! And when we say “venomous sting,” we mean “profound emotional rapport!” Yes, an astrological arthropod will jab you deep in the bosom, injecting you with all manner of lovey-dovey. Take it easy this weekend to explore your feelings. We wouldn’t recommend breakfast in bed with a nest of scorpions, but with a Scorpio, the worst bite you can get is a hickie.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
Some days, it feels like the whole planet is against you. But have you ever been sucker-punched by a planetoid? Wear a mouth guard on the 24th, as Tuesday’s new moon plants a Mike Tyson-caliber haymaker on your swagger. You may feel punch drunk through the work week, but rope-a-dope until Saturday and no one will eat your children. Metaphorically speaking, of course.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
The new moon, as you can see from these horoscopes, means shenanigans for the rest of the Zodiac. Not for you, Scorpio. For you, it means a spoonful of S-E-X in your Alpha-Bits cereal. Valentine’s Day was a bust, but this week the cosmos is actively encouraging you to let it all hang out. Remember: February’s token animal is the groundhog; March has the king of the jungle. Subtlety is for the bottom of the food chain.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
The moon and Pluto have started a support group to overcome DPC (Dwarf Planet Complex) and are doing charity work to boost their celestial self-worth. Their first charity case? You! Their influence will both improve your home life and attract a powerful benefactor. If Richard Branson inexplicably reunites you with your estranged uncle this Tuesday, you know who to thank.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
This week’s new moon bodes well for both literary ventures and weekend trips. Why not double-book your destiny and try a wintry writing retreat? Warning: Don’t retreat into the dark corners of your mind by isolating yourself entirely. We’re writing a horoscope here, not the Cliff Notes version of The Shining. Writing retreats are only thirty-percent writing, anyway. The other seventy is devoted to flirting with bespectacled, attractive people and drinking heavily.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
If you’ve been itching to get to work on that vague, ill-advised startup you won’t shut up about, now is the chance. Mercury and Jupiter will meet on Tuesday, which bodes well for loans, venture capital or other matters of finance. If you’re out of ideas, consider bootlegging a desktop calendar that features both Peanuts and The Far Side. You’re welcome.
