Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Remember Mushmouth? The mumbling kid from Fat Albert? Wore his hat as a mask? Nothing? Rassum frassum kids, no sense of nostalgia. Anyway, you’ll be the diametric opposite of Mushmouth this week. The confluence of Venus, Neptune, and Mercury will un-fork your tongue, rendering you a Toastmaster extraordinaire from Thursday until Friday. Your eloquence will help you score, but you won’t score any points in Trivial Pursuit. (He wore his hat as a mask, for crying out loud!)
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
Mars and Mercury are up in your business, Aries. There’s only one thing for it: take your business to the internet. Of course, you’re probably already reading this online. Unless you’ve got someone to print out hard copies of these horoscopes and deliver them to you. In which case, you have a sweet deal. You don’t need to listen to any lousy heavenly bodies. Love the one you’re with, Aries!
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
You’re tired of being a pariah, Taurus. This is your lucky week. From Tuesday on, Mars, Mercury, and Neptune will provide you with killer PR. Spend these precious days letting your guard down. Ignore the din of insults and put-downs thrown your way, and plan your dramatic return to power. It’s like a story out of Shakespeare, except you probably don’t have the stones to kill anyone.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
It’s important you remember E.T., Gemini, the alien who came to earth and was powerful on his own but was ultimately forced to rely on all-too-human notions of friendship survive. Venus and Jupiter are encouraging you to foster networking and team spirit this month. Seems like a good idea: If a magical alien requires the help of a small child to bring himself back from the dead, who knows what situations you might find yourself in?
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
Home is where the heart is, but it’s hard to stop your wandering eye. Throughout March, you will see conflict between the local and global halves of your heart. Before you trot off to Europe, though, remember that you don’t always find enlightenment in strange hotel beds. Consider the time you worked so hard to play the backwards part in “Work It” by Missy Elliott forwards. You pulled it off, sure, but never forget your disappointment when you realized Missy’s words were in your heart all along.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
Give peace a chance, Leo. Mars and Mercury are passing Neptune on Tuesday. This facilitates networking, so it’s time to extend an olive branch to old enemies. Imagine what history’s great rivals could have accomplished had they managed to bury the hatchet. Odysseus and the Cyclops, Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner, Ray Romano and American culture. The world would be a more beautiful place.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
It takes a great man — namely, Jean-Luc Picard — to tell it like it is: “We work to better ourselves, and the rest of humanity.” From Tuesday on, Virgo, Venus and Jupiter are collaborating to improve your work ethic. Bully for you if you’ve got a report due or a project to finish. This has drawbacks. Even if you spend the week on a singles cruise, you’re going to end up being dreadfully, disgustingly productive.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
Venus’ retrograde turn this Friday will cause you to retrogress into the Limbo of Relationship Regrets, that dreary niche of your subconscious where bad memories go to die. Don’t dally long in this gloomy place: An elephant in the room is awkward enough. A whole elephant graveyard is a thousand dead Dumbos. If that image isn’t enough to ruin your day, you’re either an ivory poacher or your ex was a circus performer.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Saturn is your sensei this week. His waxing influence will bring unexpected schedule conflicts. You must evade them with Shinobi-like agility. Within the next twenty-four hours, your travails will range from a frazzled carburetor to a volley of blowfish-poison tipped throwing daggers from a rival dojo. Overcome these obstacles, young grasshopper, and your aplomb will not go unnoticed by a potential mate. What can we say? Black’s a slimming color on you.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Give Logic the weekend off and pass the reins to Intuition. Once Friday hits, the ensuing seventy-two hours will be like The Great Gatsby, only without the depressing ending and trenchant socioeconomic commentary. Embrace your sybaritic side. Cold, disapproving Logic will return Monday morning. Of course, Intuition will be there too, but he’ll be propped on your shoulder, Weekend at Bernie’s style.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Venus is your muse on Thursday, so bust out your little black book and revive a romance that petered out. Like that date? You know, when you had a lovely dinner together at that cute little Thai place and the air was thick with viscous sexual heat but it was really just humid out and nothing actually happened because you shacked up with your ex again later that week because they drunk dialed you the weekend before but that was a horrid idea because your ex is a selfish egomaniacal piece of shit. You know, that date.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Cool it, water-bearers. Monday’s interplay between aggressive Mars and mercurial, uh, Mercury has the potential to ignite your fiery passions and turn you into a flaming ass-hat. Avoid becoming a glowering inferno by carrying wintergreen breath strips wherever you go. Not only will the strips act as mnemonic trigger by reminding you of the firestorm flaring deep in your bosom, they’ll also make your breath smell like candy canes.
