Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
This week, you'll seek to overcome irrational fears. Anxiety about things like blocked-number phone calls and easily removable come stains on your ultrasuede couch are running roughshod over your life. Beware of attempts to eliminate these worries Fear Factor-style. Lying in a coffin filled with maggots while a hooded man shocks you with a cattle prod won't get you anywhere but onto TV, and it still isn't worth it.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Interpersonal conflicts conspire to create a power struggle this week. You'll measure your reactions to jokes like a UN diplomat trying to keep everyone from advising their prime ministers to launch pre-emptive strikes. But like international politics, there's something undeniably sexy about this kind of tension. You know that, deep down, the U.S. and Iran really want to quit scowling at each other from across the plenary and jump each other's bones.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
We all do it, but the tendency to become crestfallen in the face of light criticism isn't helpful at all. Ignoring mountains of positive feedback while dwelling on molehills of negativity freezes you in your tracks. Keep an eye on the bigger picture when a harsh rebuke is sent in your direction. If Kevin Federline can get up and look himself in the mirror every morning, so can you.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
This week will be a time of reconciliation. People who you parted ways with long ago are back and want to let bygones be bygones in the interest of getting it on. But just as soon as you'll work things out with them, the second half of the week will bring a whole new set of drama. What do these people want? Here you are, fun to be around, lots of cute outfits, but that seems to count for nothing. Refocus your energy on the sexual prodigal currently in your bed and leave everyone else for another week.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
I like how in Westerns people always have regrets that make them hard-boiled and lonesome. It's no fun to live like that, but that sense of woe sure looks good on a stubbly, weathered face. Like those lost souls of the American Western, this week you'll feel defined by Palace Brothers lyrics: "Now you'll haunt me until I've paid for what I've done / It's a payment which precludes the having of fun." Try to wear such fetching facial lines of a life lived hard while they last.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Money will be an albatross this week. It's best to avoiding accepting loans if possible. People often maintain that they don't mind helping you out, but sharing money, like sharing dildos, leads to stickiness. Avoid both scenarios by using your own money at Good Vibrations and spending some time alone with your new friend.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
This week, go to the zoo! Listen to the Magic Numbers on cassette! It's not quite spring yet, but get ahead by spending some time in the warm glow of qualified happiness. I say qualified because, at the zoo, the animals are locked up, cassettes are kind of crappy and the Magic Numbers aren't the rosiest band around. The fact that you're smart or adult enough to know that happiness comes with certain unappealing truths only makes it that much sweeter.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
My friend's cat thinks his owner is prey. He lies in wait, stalks her across the living room and then leaps out and attacks her. The fact that my friend is a full-size adult who feeds him and gives him shelter seems to mean nothing when these impulses overcome him. You'll be similarly atavistic this week. You'll feel the primordial pull of sexual savagery. Use your twenty-first-century brain to stalk suitable prey for these feelings before pouncing.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
You've got a lot of catching up to do this week, but don't worry — a lot of it is just sex that you've been putting off in favor of television. I'm sure you read that recent study about Canadian baby boomers preferring TV to fucking. Shocker! Have these scientists seen any of HBO's original series programming? Regardless, put down the remote and pull down your lover's underpants instead.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
Desired for everything from your galactic sexual ability to your deft at changing the toner in the copier at work, there seems to be no skill of yours that's not in great demand this week. This feels great. Being needed is not a sensation that gets old. Take care not to become overextended, however. There's a finite number of minutes in a day, and something, at some point, is going to have to give. Let it be the copier.
promotion
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
Like one who has recently returned from a long trip, you may feel the social equivalent of culture shock, unable to sleep in a comfortable bed and unsure of your native currency. You'll need to snap back quickly when your good old sense of American hedonism kicks in, and you unashamedly feel the need to embrace the simple pleasures afforded by First World citizenship: oral sex in a nice soft bed and easy access to online porn. Give yourself some space to ensure a smooth transition.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
It will be important to stay the course this week, and just because that phrase is associated with the war in Iraq doesn't mean that it never works. People will approach you with bad ideas, and the temptation to give in just for harmony's sake may be overwhelming. Remember your options. It's not worth doing things you're not into just to avoid conflict.
