Dating Confessions by You "I've spent most of my adult life in relationships. I do not have the stamina for another one. So I'm still sleeping with my ex."
[Ed’s Note: We regret to inform readers that this week’s predictions may not accurately reflect their true astrological destinies — when the time came to collect our 4/20 horoscopes, we discovered our entire writing staff mysteriously incapacitated by a sleeping sickness of unknown origin. With a deadline looming, we had no choice but to reprint that which we found scrawled on some grease-stained paper plates and old issues of Teen Vogue. We apologize for the inconvenience.]
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
These are your Hooksexup-o-scopes, Taurus! We meant to tell you that Tuesday bodes well for blind dates thanks to a confluence of Venus and Mars, but we totally got waylaid by a Five Guys run and spent the entire afternoon synching up Jethro Tull’s Aqualung to The Dark Crystal. But hey, we just told you that. Whoooa. These things write themselves.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
I saw my ex the other day, she’s dating a guy who looks like Kevin Bacon. And I don’t mean young Kevin Bacon circa Diner, I mean old-ass Kevin Bacon circa Hollow Man. Remember that movie? He played like an invisible sex offender or something. Maybe that guy’s a sex offender. I should warn my ex. Should I call her? No, her boyfriend’s not invisible; I saw his photo on Facebook. Mankind hasn’t invented cameras that can take photos of invisible things yet.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
Sunday’s new moon brings solid network opportunities. Apropos of nothing, here are my “Top 5 “Springtime in NYC” jams: 5.) Cam’ron — Hey Ma 4.) Gang Starr — DWYCK 3.) De La — Keepin’ the Faith 2.) Tribe — Oh My God 1.) Biz — Spring Again (totally anti-climactic, I know).
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
Thursday’s a good day to look for a job. Pluto’s doing you a good turn, which is kind of neat, as he’s normally a total shithead when it comes to all things zodiac. Man, I should look for a new job. Wanna know how I write these? I wake up at 7:00 PM, take a lawn chair up to my roof and stare at the sky for nine hours. It sucks in the winter and I really can’t see anything because of all the light pollution. I usually just stare at the freeway and divine answers from the headlights.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
Inflation is a drag. You see this, right here? Got a bag of this for, like, a pence back in the seventies. Shut up, I know “a pence” isn’t a proper denomination of American currency, I was just being cheeky. I’m affected? Well la-di-da, Mr. “I-Carry-My-Parasol-On-A-Seventy-Degree-Day.” No, it doesn’t make you look sophisticated. It makes you look like some Brideshead Revisited reject. Yeah, I don’t like your attitude either. Get the hell out of my apartment.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
Well, man, that depends on what you mean by “justice.” Are we supposed to believe the whole biblical “eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth” thing still applies when we’ve got guys in Washington taking this entire goddamned country for a ride? Hold — Hold on, wait. I’ve seen this X-Files disc a million times already. Hold on.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
On soft gray mornings widows cry/The wise men share a joke./I run to grasp divining signs/To satisfy the hoax./The yellow jester does not play/But gently pulls the strings/And smiles as the puppets dance/ In the court of the crimson king. Also: The Loch Ness Monster is probably real and dreamcatchers work.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Can we just talk for, like, two seconds about how much of a travesty it was that they left Tom Bombadil out of the Lord of the Rings movies? It absolutely was. A travesty. You know what else is crazy? Gunsmoke ran for something like twenty seasons and there’s no definitive last episode. They just canceled it. In the last episode of The Dinosaurs a comet hits earth and all the dinosaurs die. I swear. Look it up.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
On one side you've got a set of values that's doom, death, degradation and despair being dealt out like cards off the bottom of the deck by a grey-faced man who hates you. And on the other side you've got a girl running through a field of flowers, half naked and laughing in the sunshine. And if you offer those two alternates to child, a child's too smart to make that mistake. It's not going to go for that grey-faced dude with the cards.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Imagine what it would be like if you played every Rolling Stones song and every Led Zep song backwards at the same time while watching The Wall backwards and trying to run in place as fast as you possibly could the whole time. Your week will be like that. Totally.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
I don’t know how horoscopes work. Like, we look at the night sky and shit just happens, y’know? Sometimes I think of God as one huge air traffic control, directing all us little human jets with the stars, which are his air traffic control flashlights. What do you call those things? I’m going to them air traffic control flashlights — I can do what I want, language is a social construct. Is love a social construct? Oh, Thursday you may get a raise thanks to Mercury and Uranus. Don’t be like me, I’m hideous.
