Dating Confessions by You "We only had one quasi-date, so it's baffling to me how I can feel so flattened by your disappearance. How could I have been so wrong about the chemistry?"
Dating Advice from . . . Animators by Chantal O'Keeffe Q: Is there a way to enjoy the primitive game of cat-and-mouse without crossing any lines? A: There's nothing wrong with a little chase, but if the mouse starts picking up ironing boards and frying pans...
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
Even the staunchest defenders of the proletariat need a U.S.S.R. — that is, an Unideological Sexy Snuggle, uh, Respite. Oddly enough, May Day is the perfect day for some non-partisan congress as retrograde Mercury inspires curious bedfellows. It’s okay to compromise your ethics if it puts you in a compromising position. After all, you can’t tell how Red anyone is in the dark.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
Superman always struck me as a secretly somber guy. Sure, he’s got that heroic unfuckwithableness, that Pepsodent-fresh bridgework and the superpower to look slamworthy in a romper suit. But let me put it this way — he’s the last remaining member of his species. A Marlon Brando hologram was his dad. He lives in a chateau made of ice. Your past will ambush you in early days of May, Gemini. Emulate The Big Blue Boy Scout and keep your disposition bulletproof.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
To quote a historical figure who’s the spitting image of my Uncle Toby (i.e., Otto von Bismarck), "God has a special providence for fools, drunks, and the United States of America." With Mercury retrograde (and the weather finally not totally repulsive), why not go three-for-three? You’ve got the US citizenship. You’re over twenty-one. Complete the trifecta by following my Uncle Toby’s avuncular advice: “If you’re sober enough to stand, you’re not drunk enough to go talk those girls.”
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
Last weekend’s new moon has fired up your productive side, so don’t be surprised if you’re in the mood for spring cleaning. Why not start with your little black book? Give some of your blasts from the past a ring and investigate what is what. Be sure to at least have symbolic annotations ready for the following responses: “Married,” ”Stoned,“ “Still Way Too Needy” and “Torrent of Profanity.”
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
In medieval England, the inbred masses feared the cockatrice, a dreaded half-cock, half-dragon hybrid that could petrify a yeoman with but a cockeye. With this legendary beastie in mind, I impart to you, Virgo, the rule of “cockathrice” — basically, if that there cock doesn’t get rock-hard by the third try, it’s all just a limp myth.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
On April 30, Mars and Venus are massaging your home life with their tender, celestial palms. Imagine that Demi-Swayze pottery scene from Ghost but with enough gravitational pull to bring Whoopi Goldberg’s career back into orbit. Expect these two planets to knead some sense into the relationship between you and yours. If your cosmic masseuses discover some hidden knots, don’t get rankled — they too want a happy ending.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
This week’s new moon is your last chance to achieve satisfaction before Mercury enters retrograde for much of the month of May. If your life were the video for “Black or White” by Michael Jackson, this week would be the cool face-morphing montage that comes before the four-minute montage of crotch grabbing and window smashing. During these controversial, ill-advised weeks, it’s best to remember the good times that came before. For example: Remember how, during your life’s intro, Macaulay Culkin played a guitar so loudly that it sent George Wendt to Africa?
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
A better job may be in the cards for you this week, particularly if you’re looking for work. If you are the understudy in a Broadway musical, you may want to start boning up on your lines and flexing your vocal chords now. Also, hey: Is being an understudy fun? I understand that it lacks the glamour and glory of having an actual role, but it’s a great conversation piece and seems awfully easy, like being a benchwarmer in pro sports or a policeman in a small town.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
If you’re tired of spending years at a time in a tiny room, this week’s new moon will brighten your social life. Maybe you’ll get out of jail or, if you haven’t felt quite at home since your parole, go back to jail. If your social life extends beyond whether or not you are incarcerated, you’re clearly doing fine and don’t need any advice about anything.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Be prepared to help out your parents with whatever they’re bitching about this week. At least you’re not Superman’s kid. That would be a living hell. Whatever assistance Superdad needs is bound to involve instantaneous, fast-as-light travel or planet-breaking haymaker punches or some other stone cold bullshit. Weed your own walkway, Dad!
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Time to spend some money and travel. Your tax refund will permit you to visit the glorious and mystical ruins of Machu Picchu or the above-par fast food of Pittsburgh; the definitions of “spend money” and “travel” can be as broad as you like. Perhaps you’d like to spend your billions on an elevator up to space or, perhaps better, down to the earth’s molten core. It’s your money.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
Trust your intuition this week. If an upcoming deal smells bad, put a hold on it until you have a better idea of what’s going on. If someone you’re dating has teardrop tattoos, it may be worth investigating whether or not they’ve taken a human life. If your intuition tells you that your intuition is bad, then you’ve got a paradox on your hands, and I’m out of here.
