When the Missionary Position Issue was first discussed in the Hooksexup offices, I wondered aloud, "What exactly is the missionary position on the missionary position?" A trite question, but one that I was determined to pursue. Hence my mission for the next three weeks: to interview a real, live missionary and ask him or her what sexual position was considered the most holy in the eyes of God. My first phone call was to the Church of Latter Day Saints. After being rebuffed by fifteen missionaries from a variety of faiths, I realized I needed to be a bit craftier with my pitch. The following are outtakes from three of my most successful interviews. Isabella Robertson
Hi. I'm calling from Hooksexup. We're a magazine about sexuality, gender and culture, and we're doing a special issue on the missionary position. I have a few questions about it.
[loud Southern woman] Well, let's see if I can answer them.
What kind of missionary work do you do?
We do home mission, but I have worked as a foreign mission. At the church, we visit the sick, and we send letters out. This year, we sent money to children with AIDS in Africa.
How nice. Do you know where the term "missionary position" came from?
Oh, the missionary? Oh gee. Ah shit. You caught me at a bad time. I need to get my head together.
Are you familiar with the term?
No. No, really I'm not. Why don't you tell me what it is.
Well . . . it's a sexual position. It's usually when the woman is on the bottom and the man is on top. Historically, they say, when missionaries colonized a country, it is the position they'd tell people to use.
Oh. No, I never heard of that. I've even talked with missionaries from Africa, and I never heard of it. Listen, there's a lot of things I don't know.
Yes, me too. Well, thank you.
Thank you. I better study up more on the missionary. [laughs] God bless, child.
I'm doing a story on young missionaries from different religions and the challenges they face, specifically relating to dating and sexuality.
[polite, slightly impatient man with New Zealand accent] Well, when the missionaries are sent abroad, they're focused entirely on the mission for eighteen months to two years. During that time, they have no associations with girlfriends; they put all their personal relationships on hold. Why don't you take a look at our website, there are about a hundred different stories. Maybe you could look at those and give me a call back.
I'm more interested in the messages they give to people they're trying to bring into the church, their notions of sexuality.
In matters of personal morality, they would teach what the church teaches, which is that sexual relations are acceptable within the bonds of marriage. Anything outside the marriage covenant is considered a sin.
What if people came to them with questions about intimate moments between husband and wife?
Missionaries would never deal with those questions. They would be referred to the local ecclesiastic leader, the bishop of the congregation.
Have you ever heard of the term the "missionary position"? In your church, would missionaries ever specifically teach that there are natural and unnatural ways to have sex?
No, I think I made that clear. Missionaries wouldn't go anywhere near those issues. They are not remotely interested in those kinds of questions. They are there to talk about the basics of being decent people, about being honest and faithful to marriage partners.
So there isn't anything specific sexually that is not condoned by God within marriage?
With the greatest of respect, I haven't the vaguest idea where you're going with this. It makes it hard to respond in an intelligent way. Is this a satirical, send-up piece? Is it a serious piece where you're trying to get into the missionary position?
It's a story about how religions counsel their congregants on intimate issues.
The issue there is very simple. We teach people to be thoughtful, caring, decent, sensitive individuals. We leave these questions of intimacy to their good judgment. If there's something they feel uncomfortable about, then that's good enough reason for them not to do it.
I'm a journalist working on a story about sexuality and religion. Can I ask you a few questions?
[timid, soft-spoken nun] I don't think we can give an interview on this topic. Are you going to ask questions about the current situation?
No, absolutely not. I just want to ask a few questions relating to sexuality, but nothing about Catholic priests.
It's a very delicate time. I don't think we can do this. We don't like what's going on, naturally.
No, of course not. I don't need to use anybody's name. I would just say that I had spoken with someone from the Franciscan Mission. I just have ten simple questions.
What are some of the questions?
Do you know where the term "the missionary position" came from? Are there any sexual positions that god doesn't condone or perhaps that he feels are holier than others?
For those types of questions, I'll have to say no, we can't answer those.
I have more serious questions too. Like what do you think the missionary's role in the world is . . .
That's more in our line. We go out there to bring the word of god and to help people. [with emotion] So many have sacrificed. We have sisters who have died caring for people. [recovers] So this is what we like to focus on. All that other stuff is important, but our role right now in the church is what I told you. So, I don't think so, honey. I'm sorry, but I think you understand. I will pray for you. [hangs up]
