Scanner Highs And Lows: All The Bad Breakups, Beauty Pageants & Boob Jobs

For the 998th and final time, come see us at South By Southwest on Saturday and stay tuned to Scanner for updates and interviews with some semi-celebs and maybe some major ones over the coming two weeks.

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HIGHS:

As ProfRobert already pointed out, Juliet already had a sassy gay friend... but maybe not one quite so amusing.

We understand if you're wary of any stories about American Apparel, but this one's pretty damn tasty.

America's weirdest beauty pageant involves turkey legs, bikini modeling, teenage ass-shaking, and, of course, stage moms.

If everyone in the world was Meryl Streep, then maybe there wouldn't be so much bad acting in Hollywood movies.

This strap-on for your head should either a) make oral sex amazing for ladies or b) an incredible pain in the ass for anyone giving it out.

And David Foster Wallace is a better poet at six than that (fake) third grader who wrote a list of 99 types of bitches.

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LOWS:

If you're too chicken to dump someone yourself... well, after reading this, you'll probably get up the Hooksexup.

Hey, guess what, a guy everyone knew was gay is gay. I dream of a day when no one will care about these things.

As one commenter put it: "For a limited time, YOU can look like a muzzled Hannibal Lecter…while you shave!" if you click on this link, of course.

Our readers loved the photo of Bill Clinton grabbing Fran Drescher's ass... and were even more confused by the story that went with it.

Ron Howard's directing career low point will always be directing Plastic Heidi Montag and her awful boobs.

Awesome: Mad Men Barbie Dolls. Not Awesome: What the hell did they do to some of the ladies here?